winter

Madame Filth's picture

i'm trying, really trying not to fuck myself in the ass

i struggle with this every winter. i have nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go that isn't cold and gray and more of a pain in the ass than it's worth... so i spend too much time indoors, not seeing people, working from home really blows sometimes. and the irony is, i get so much LESS work done this time of year, or whenever i feel like this, when it seems so obvious that the solution to my brain freeze/cabin fever is to stimulate myself more with work, among other things.

i pine for sweet baked treats. i look at pictures of pot pies, cupcakes, biscuits and spend every available brain cell on how i could make what's pictured, better. then i talk myself out of it because i gave up that crap and i feel so much better, really i do.... and i don't want to go back to that, really i don't....

i avoid all of my commitments by reading instead. sitting in my room, reading. sitting in the living room after everyone else is asleep, reading. till 2 or 3 am, reading dumb ass blockbuster bestseller bullshit because my brain can't handle real stimulation. just brain candy to avoid thinking about .... anything really.

i'm amazed that i haven't been fired from any of my gigs yet, i feel so lazy, i'm doing a fraction of what i should be doing, and i don't even set my own bars particularly high.

inside of two weeks, the only two independent book stores around, possibly in the whole state, shut down. one in particular was just .... oh it was just what everyone needs, a place to go see art, hear music, staged radio plays, readings, signings, armwrestling competitions.... it was always there, with perfect books on the shelves, used and new, all perfectly selected, a perfect mix of high art literature and pulp lowbrow fun shit, cool knicknacks and all... the owner is stoked to move on and doesn't seem to want to hear anyone crying about it. and the bar in town... the one that fought the redevelopment and won where others lost and were bought out by the conglomerate, a tiny, one story tudor pub surrounded on three sides by highrises, abruptly closed with a national act booked to play there, no explanation. the other pub closed about a month ago. now what's left is the college hangouts. and the ilk of this particular college doesn't lend much hope to anything good replacing either of them, ever.

january sucks. it really does.

Madame Filth's picture

it's true what they say

when i had to take off a bunch of weight, it took forfucking ever, but it was essentially easy. among other reasons, i expected to be hungry. i accepted it and ate according to what my brain said i needed to eat, rather than what my gut said it wanted.

thanksgiving, i pretty much ignore my new eating habits and wouldn't ya know... a little of the weight back on. december is a world of shit, in a variety of ways, including never having the time or inclination to fix really good meals, always getting invited to gatherings with fingerfoods and beer/wine/beverages...

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