Submitted by Offmyback on Thu, 02/10/2005 - 3:53pm
I'm getting really tired of hearing the following:
"I like Daddy's house better than your house."
"I want to go to Daddy's house."
It is coming out of the mouth of my almost-three-year-old. I tell him I know and that it's OK to feel that way. I say this with an utter lack of drama. I tell him people are more important that things.
Still, it makes me feel like shit.
I don’t blame him. His father has a trampoline in the living room, for Pete’s sake. He also has an entire room filled with Thomas the Tank Engine train tracks, and just about every character car that they make. He can ride his tricycle in the house; the tricycle that I have to fight with his father over whether it gets to come to my apartment when it’s my turn to house and love and parent our son. He can be loud. He can eat macaroni and cheese almost every night.
My apartment is tiny, and on the third floor. Underneath us is a man with no tolerance for children. We have to take our shoes off. Even if I could afford every toy in the store and even if I wished to overindulge my son with material possessions, I wouldn’t be able to fit them into the place.
******
My son’s father is a manipulative pedant. We are currently in mediation, and are tasked with unraveling our blended life thread by thread. The division of property is sticking in my craw. It is a sore spot. The stuff that was given to “us� by my parents belongs to “us,� meaning not me. The stuff given to “us� by his parents is “his,� meaning not me. I haven’t had the energy to fight over it, so he thinks it’s settled. I am disturbed by how I’ve rolled over in the name of peace and getting everything over with as quickly and cheaply as possible.
It is not petty to be resentful of the lack of child support. Even with joint custody, he owes due to the discrepancy in our incomes. He thinks he doesn’t have to pay until we file our agreement. I could use that money for clothes and toys, or a trip so my son could see his grandparents. I wouldn’t have to carefully count his socks in the middle of every week to see if there will be a pair for daycare on Friday that’s clean. Somehow most of his clothes are at his father’s house.
His father whines about being broke, and he is, sort of. He’s not making it up. However, he could get a roommate, as I’ve vacated the room I was sleeping in before I finally left, before I took what was left of our marriage out back and shot it. He could get a roommate, or hell, we could sell the house and he could get an apartment at the nearby complex I was looking at before I found my current place. If he really needed to he could do this. May be he could buy fewer Thomas the Tank Engine trains, or make fewer trips to IKEA for gee-gaws.
I hate hearing my neighbors talk about property values, seeing as I just effectively lost my house and won’t be able to afford another one.
**********
My son tells me every morning that he doesn’t want to go to school. He switched daycare centers as our marriage was exploding. Lately even if he’s in a good mood during the trip over there, he gets sad and clingy once inside, telling me he doesn’t want to be there. His teacher said it was becoming a routine with him. He is, in fact, the only child there who does this on a regular basis. I ask him what he did at daycare, and get, “Nothing.�
He tells me he doesn’t play with anyone. He doesn’t have fun, he says. I’m going to call his teacher today to seek out the truth of it.
I suspect that he doesn’t have enough time with us to get his very yucky feelings out. I don’t know quite what I’m going to do about his, but trying to re-arrange my hours is one option, in order that we have another day together. I have to change something in this equation.
Geeze...
Heartbreaking.
I don't know if this will help, but I have a good friend whose parents divorced and his mom was dirt poor but his dad bought him designer everything and had every toy known to man. He chose to live with his dad.
Nowadays though, that friend sees his father as the materialistic manipulator that he was, and is great friends with his mom. It happened relatively young, too. Not three year old of course, but...
Anyway - strength to you for that mediation and the rest.
when i was growing up
my mother rolled over financially in the 'name of peace'. i'm grateful that she made that decision even though it meant an impovershed childhood (she really screwed herself $50 a month for child support until I was 10).
I am by no means saying that you, in your circumstances, should do that. It sounds like your ex is really trying to manipulate the situation with your son. You know who your baby needs to be with.
I just wanted to let you know, as a child, even though my father had more toys for me that didn't mean that I wanted to live with him full time. I really enjoyed my time with my mom, I prefered to be with her.
During the hard times (financially and emotionally) she somehow managed to come up with neat little creative things for us to do. She used an old calander and any colorful pencils, pens, crayons that she had and she drew a story about me in magical lands (without words), a picture book that I treasure to this day.
I guess I'm just saying that are ways to make his time special with you even when your short on cash. The hard times don't last that long in memory when compared to the moments shared in love. It's all about Quality not quantity.
Ada's mama
17m
50-50 time
and we are already in mediation. I needed to vent. Thanks for hearing me, mamas.
...and nothing's in stone yet.
Despie all the drama, he has a good daddy. I just hate the unfairness of it all.
gonna slap you.
good daddy
if he is a good daddy, then there is a great deal of hope to be had. his love of the child will eventually weigh more in his heart than the pain of the separation. i'm just a little concerned about you avoiding conflict. i hope it't not to your detriment. you can take the high road without sacirficing your dignity. you don't want to set a precedent of caving, yes? and he still has your dick, right?
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
Yes, but I kept the vaccuum.
I can always get another dick.
And I'll ask for the art back in writing.
gonna slap you.
A HA HA HA HA!
DOn't tell my husband, but sometimeas I just wish I could afford a chauffer, a gigolo, and a maid and I'd be free!
Sunflower
The presence of the young lightens the world and changes it from an oppressive, definitive, solidified one to a fluid, potentially marvelous, as-yet-to-be-created world.
Anais Nin
Sunflower the unflower
Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky
that's the thing about dicks
there's always one around, to quote tom waits.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
Why? How?
Why would you lose the house?
Why would you not split things easily?
Your child's belongings, whoever bought them, should be where the child is most of the time, for the most part. If the child spends 80% of the tiem at your house, you should have 80% of the clothes, toys, belongings, etc.
Your soon to be ex should be paying you child support now, or will have to retroactively. Especially if you had to get a new place to live, and he makes more money and kept the house.
WTF????
I understand you are trying to keep the peace, adn you might feel better avoiding conflict by takig the high road, but you don't have to fight with him anymore, at least not on his level. Write him an email (MUCH less personal, harder for him to manipulate you.) Good news: you don't have to try to spare his feelings anymore, and you are FREE. Deal with him on paper, through email or an intermediary if you have to, and be 100% logical, use numbers, and don't let him manipulate you and your child for the sake of "keeping the peace."
Tell him what you think is yours, tell him what you think is your child's, tell him what you are spending and tell him what a fair amount of child support is and he should be paying it, as of the minute you split up. You have a child together and that is his legal responsibility if he makes more than you.
You will have to itemize all of this when you get officially divorced anyway. Might as well get it done and get the ball rolling..
There was another thread about this recently. There are resources for you - the Hipmama's Survival Guide (hate to tow the party line, even if it is a hip one!!) has a great chapter on resources for you, legal and otherwise. And a gameplan.
BTW, my son was 3 when I got divorced, and I had to compete w/ in laws who had a pool and a tree house.
Now that he is 5, he still has fun with their trinkets, but I don't here how much he likes it there anymore. He misses mommy too much, and realizes where home is.
Sunflower
The presence of the young lightens the world and changes it from an oppressive, definitive, solidified one to a fluid, potentially marvelous, as-yet-to-be-created world.
Anais Nin
Sunflower the unflower
Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky
Man, this sounds really frust
Man, this sounds really frustrating and upsetting.
I just wanted to throw in one thought: When he's with you he might want "daddy's house", but the odds are overwhelming that when he's at daddy's house he saying "I want mama.".
Hang in there Lady Kaboom.
Still at it after 10 yrs - my fax, that is...
I am so sorry, Lady! My fax just went overboard this past weekend, because dd had such a great time with her stepdad this past weekend, he had to do something to combat her affection of said sd. He spent all weekend telling her we lie about everything, and buying her presents. Sad man. Petty man. Wife (#2!) just left him, no life havin man. Every time I read about your situation, all those emotions from the beginning of all this come back to me - I was so afraid all the time! Everything about dd's Dad hurt me, esp. if she wanted him, or liked his house better - also a Disneyland Dad, no discipline at all. I let him take everything he wanted (which included all my cds and valuable art!) just to get him out of my life. I'd rather have sanity than things, too! I felt like they were both kicking me while I was down, but I just kept plugging away at it all, and tried to remember that I was a good mom, no matter what anyone said, fax or dd. The clinging at school thing is textbook child of separation stuff - my friend's dd has been doing it for 2 yrs now, her parents have bee apart 3 yrs. The school even assigned the little girl a therapist, to help, because her fax doesn't see the need for help. Here's a site that may help: www.divorceabc.com - it's where I went as a child of divorce, and where I always recommend friends send their little ones who are struggling. Good luck, you're a strong, badass Mama, and you'll get through it all - sending you huge hugs - kid week? If not I'll try to call you in the pm! xxxooo
I never gave them hell, I just tell the
truth and they think it's hell.
Truman, 1956
"I’ve rolled over in the name of peace"
women have a problem with this. they understand better than men that peace is more important in the child's life than the stuff. your child will recognize this for what it is, eventually. i know i did when my parents were separated. my dad took me to all these places, took me out on his boat, all with borrowed money, all for the sole purpose of making my mom look bad. even witha kid's brain, i knew this. but still, i would talk about the trips and the presents because that was all there was to talk about as far as my visits with him. he and i never talked about anything, never had quality time, he could never remember the things that were important to me, who my friends were,what i liked to read, that sort of thing. and i knew it. i was 10 which is a lot older that your kid, but i knew. i hope you can find some comfort in the fact that your son will know too.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
this sucks
What a shitty situation. It sounds like your ex is indulging his inner child by indulging your actual child. I hope that it resolves itself soon. How long does mediation typically take?
...and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood.
...and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood.