So! I had a pretty awesome realization the other day, and I thought I would share. Bear with me because I'll get around to explaining why it's so awesome- Okay.
So I was at my therapist, talking about a date I recently had with a man whom I suspect wanted me to live in a tiny box of his idea of womanly perfectness- sweet, demure, good mother, laughs at jokes, doesn't talk too much, etc. etc. etc. Suffice to say, the date did not go well. A few days later, I was talking to my therapist and realized that I felt like a failure of some kind because myself and my charming wit hadn't been able to convert him from the dark side. I used The Force- and it (or I) was not enough. Really, I was quite disappointed that I didn't have a chance to turn him down.
BUT NOW I HAVE A CHANCE TO TURN SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT DOWN..... My MIND.
That's right. As I was going off to my therapist about what a lousy brain I had that I was feeling sad and rejected by someone I didn't even want in the first place, I realized that my brain was being a douchebag. I was just like some jerk who expected my emotions to be all pretty and right and sweet and noble. I was being that douchey dude to MYSELF by putting myself down for my very human (if somewhat nonsensical- but hey, that's human) emotions. I realized that I censor my emotions all of the time and IT IS EXHAUSTING. I'm like the bad coach who is bullying and berating myself for being WEAK or SAD or MAD or even feeling any sense of SATISFACTION because hey, I could have done better, been better, ETC., ETC., and it goes on and on and on. My inner douche was disgusted with myself for A) not charming him b) caring whether or not I did and c) the weirdness of going on a date with someone just to have the chance to turn him down. Guess what? I'm just being human. Human emotions are messy at times, non-sensical, and part of some inner process that will probably make itself apparent to me at some point. Did I do anything "wrong"? NO. In fact, I kind of figured out where my feelings were coming from, but that's a whole other story. Do I need to judge my feelings?!? NO!
Now I know I'm not the only person who has this internal judge- many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. No matter how much you accomplish in a day, you just can't win.
Oh, but YOU CAN! MUAHAHA! I realized that I would never be a douche like I am to myself to another human being. I'm not perfect towards others, that's not what I'm saying- but I'm never quite as douchy to other people as I am to myself. In fact, in most scenarios, I'm pretty understanding of the humans with their human emotions that surround me. Obsessions with Spock aside (I have slightly pointed ears and kind of secretly hoped that the Vulcans would come and take me home to my real parents as a child) I also realized that I HATE DOUCHEBAGS. Especially ones who think that they aught to dictate how a woman thinks, feels, acts, etc. I realized that I hate my inner douchebag more than I hate me. And ever since that realization, my inner douche has kind of skulked off and left. He (she's?) come back a few times in moments of stress, but as soon as I'm aware that my inner voice has switched from me to the douche, I'm able to get him/her to skulk away again.
It's awesome. I highly recommend getting disgusted with your inner douche. I suppose the great paradox of the whole thing is that one day, I will realize that I have been invalidating the douche's screwed up emotions just as he/she is constantly trying to invalidate mine. But until that day, things are much more peaceful, much happier, just freaking lovely in my mind for the most part, even though life keeps happening and I'm imperfect, etc. etc. I'M HUMAN. Get over it, ya douche.
Lucky for me that I hate douchebags! It's so much quieter now :-)
P.S. I really like the word douchebag lately- although I hate it's origin, etc. If you would like me to replace it with ASSHAT I can.