I mentioned in a comment earlier today that I think we - as mothers - often have the urge to just run away, leaving our families and responsibilities behind. I voiced the opinion that this is a natural, even normal, response, this *desire* to leave when things get really stressful with our kids, or even just when we feel worn down after the days of low-level aggravation. God, I hope it's normal.
But I know that many mamas, including me, have some guilt about feeling this way, about wishing we could get the hell AWAY. Does it mean we don't love our children enough? If we were "better" "more perfect" mothers, more at peace with ourselves and our place* in the world, would we not feel this way?
And so I thought it would be fun, useful, interesting to openly acknowledge that we feel this way, that we have times where we want to run away. If indeed anyone else does feel this way! hahahahahhaha (please, tell me I'm not alone!, I say, only half-jokingly).
I'll start!
Here's my running away fantasy--
I live on/own a ranch in the outback of Australia.
Who the hell knows why.
I guess some fantasy of isolation, being alone. But yet having various people who live nearby but NOT IN MY HOUSE, who are devoted to me, the jefa, la mera mera, of the ranch, would work until their hands bleed if I asked them to. And that it's as different in the Outback as you could get from a city in the midwest of the US. I think also it's a good fantasy in that I could never actually DO this kind of life. I'm a city girl at heart. I like to hike and go to national parks to visit. But for regular life, I need city. So my fantasy is supremely unrealistic, which is what makes it a fantasy, yes?
Also, Colin Firth shows up on my ranch, unencumbered by love or relatives. He might decide to live on the ranch. But NOT IN MY HOUSE. ::grin::
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
Oh -- I do that by staying up later than everyone until I have had enough me time. Lately it's been 2 or 2:30 before I go to bed & that's TOO late -- but yeah. I need space to process and integrate and keep myself together. I really need more sleep too.
M1's best friend's mom will book herself a local hotel room and take a couple days/nights to herself every once in a while. Completely shameless. I love the idea.
"Do not forget. Remember and warn."
-- Plaque fixed to the hollow shell of Sarajevo's National Library
No shame! No guilt! I love this idea. Am working on it.
Also the idea of the hotel room. Lovely. I do have fantasies of the Wee Papa and I just going to a hotel, just the two of us, downtown St Paul, which is only 3 minutes away but a whole other life....if only we had a babysitter for over night... but that's a whole OTHER category of fantasy! ;)
I totally do the staying up thing. I too need more sleep. but it's hard to say which I need more-- the me time or the sleep...right now me time is winning!
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
ahhhh - no turtle, you are NOT alone!
I dream of a little place at the beach (kinda like what I've got) & my lover comes to visit, sometimes he comes for an afternoon of love, sometimes he stays over (when I want).
Or I live on a sailboat, or back in Virginia on my lake, working at my book shop, going to writing events, museums, living the life I had back then for a while. Or I am a true gypsy and I'd take my son & we'd travel by trains everywhere we could.
I used to imagine when my daughters were little this scenario -- as i walked down our street away from the house without a child in sight, that I was walking away to catch a bus to go where no one knew who i was.
i could keep going -- remember I have been doing this mothering thing for over 20 years! I am soo ready to live my own life!
http://kiakiali.blogspot.com/
http://rileduptales.blogspot.com/
http://greenmountainmamasnest.blogspot.com/
"Do not speak--unless it improves on silence." ~ buddhist saying
(wow - my email on file was so old - it was from the old hipmama email!)
mmm, lovely, can i come have a lemonade on your porch? or sailboat deck? you're welcome at the ranch any time! :)
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
not a particular fan of the term "normal," but i do know it happens, quite a lot. your post got me pondering it, and i haven't had that fantasy for a long time, and i'm considering why. my first guess is that now that the kid is 12 i am quite used to being a mother, so i'm no longer intimidated by the idea of a lifelong, 24/7 commitment.
but that commitment, i would only say that if it's not normal to experience some resentment to being so responsible, so consistently, all the time till you're dead, then it certainly is natural. particularly when your partner isn't sharing his 50% of the burden. i know when i used to think about it, as an immature sense of asserting who's the boss of me, it was for that reason. now the kid is older and the needs aren't that great, and her dad stepped up, so i no longer feel like i'm taking on more than what's fair. but when i was taking on more than my fair share, i had a running subtext to my life, "i don't have to do this...
i did what susan does. i loved the time when everyone was asleep and i could think as a person, rather than a vigilant mother. i also loved when the fam would go out without me. i didn't enjoy so much going out without them, because, as i noted in the unfair labor distribution, that would always result in them "saving" the work for me when i got home. a hungry kid, an awake kid, and whatever else i don't care to remember because it was a dark time in my life.
so glad it's over.
a friend of mine had an even more elaborate fantasy. she picked where she would live, her source of income, and who she would leave the kids with. i really think she was close to carrying it out. she was so serious. she had it all set up so that the kids would be fine without her. in her case too, her husband was worthless and was essentially a child himself, only far more work than her real kids because he was always fucking shit up. i'd want to run away too.
not to suggest that everyone who entertains that fantasy is running away from bad partners. i think the relentless responsibility alone is enough to trigger that thought process. i can't imagine anyone who has kids and doesn't think about it.
When I was your age, I was already trying to kill my second husband and make it look like bears did it.
@MadameFilth
books!
yeah, normal schnormal! I'm not really a fan either, never having been normal or average. But yeah, natural is a better word.
I was thinking more about this and I think the feeling really is acute when the kids are littler when they depend on your for every last freakin thing.
And my husband does lots of work on the whole parenting thing! I wonder if he (or like stay at home dads) ever have these fantasies. Or if it's just mothers because of the added societal pressures to be perfect blah blah blah blah blah....
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
well i've never heard of it, but i do contend that men are better than women at accepting shit as it is.
When I was your age, I was already trying to kill my second husband and make it look like bears did it.
@MadameFilth
books!
Interesting, this ability to accept shit as it is.... I need that skill...
On the other hand, sometimes it's like NO! That's a bad thing. I don't want to accept some shit as it is, that's what makes me want to change the world...it's what drives CHANGE in society, change towards more justice (hard as that is to believe for me at the moment). I don't accept that I can't change anything. (I'd make a crap person in 12-step recovery)
but on an interpersonal level, it'd be useful to accept some shit.
maybe just sometimes...
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
i know, same here. i sometimes would talk to mr filth and just sit there amazed at his ability to just get past shit, even shit that sucks, without whitewashing or denying or trying to change it. i'd be like, what planet are you from again??
and i think i'd suck in 12 step for about, oh i don't know, 12 reasons.
When I was your age, I was already trying to kill my second husband and make it look like bears did it.
@MadameFilth
books!
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