Naming ideas - what does it mean to be a 'father'? (includes lengthy but mild rant)
I'm passingly bothered by not knowing how to reference the other Contributor Of Genes (COG) to C's being. He's not been involved with her in any meaningful way since she was about 4 months old (she's almost 18 months now). I doubt he'll really be involved until she's old enough to act as a more receptive audience to his dramas.
I find myself choking on the word 'father' or 'dad' because I've got good memories and strong archetypes of what that means. Even 'absent father' suggests that he at least took up the responsibility and delight of parenting her and somehow figures in her life as a father.
'Sperm donor' suggests a far more negotiated process than actually occurred. 'Biological father' at least makes it obvious that that's what many people tend to mean when they say 'dad'. But it still suggests some entitlement to a position that I believe is made real in the realisation of it - not merely the happy accident of being a biological passerby (which is how I tend to represent it to family and close friends).
Of course I can use his name, and I do (on the rare occasions I might reference him to people who know us). But that doesn't solve the issue for me - the issue of wanting a way of representing the position he's currently taken up. He can always claim 'father' if he actually starts acting like one - I'm not suggesting these positions are permanent...but I'm her mother: and it's clear what that entails...and it's nowhere near what he's doing, so why would I call him her father? What to call him instead...
I wonder what I'll tell C when she's older?
Any ideas? How do/did you do the talking with your kids about their fathers (to all those mamas who are parenting without that person, and done so from when they were little)?
just musings...
thanks in advance,
~c
- cricketsong's blog
- Login or register to post comments
I have a politically incorrect view of parents in general. The way I see it, nearly anyone can reproduce, and the less responsible they are, the more likely they are to have offspring. This is not to say by any means that you or anyone else here is irresponsible for having children, I am saying that it is very, very common for humans to have children with little plan for a future with them.
That said, I don't sugar coat anything to my kids. I have told them from the beginning that not every person who fathers/mothers kids is a good at being a father or mother. Sometimes it is because they can't help it, and sometimes it's because they just don't want to.
That being said, we started out with Daddy because at one point, he did live with us full time, and right after, he came to visit regularly. Without a plan in place, Daddy morphed into the generic 'father'. I called him 'the father' (not 'my ex' or my anything) when talking to other adults, and used his first name when referring to him to the children...i.e. "We will ask XXX that question next time we see him", which in our case could have been next week or next year.
I did not want to call him "your father" because I did not want them to internalize his bad behavior as something that was also theirs.
As the kids got older, I coined "The Paternal Unit". Now my older one calls him "what's his name" or by his first name. My younger one refers to him as "Dad" in a sort of detatched way, or uses his first name.
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
Bio-dad. Short, and easily expressed with as much contempt as possible.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Has NEVER been in the picture. Not one diaper, feeding, play time, nothing. Ever. In 3.5 years. I fluctuate on what to call him. My son knows he doesn't have a dad like other kids do but he's too young to wonder why...and I'll tell him as truthfully as I can when he does wonder. The other person just wasn't up to snuff. Also, teach him to always acknowledge that having sex requires accepting a potential pregnancy. always. no matter how hard you try.
so...sometimes bio-dad, sometimes sperm donor (but I also don't feel the pre-organized-ness of that...that's not what happened)
sometimes 'the other' - never dad or father alone. Those require some participation in my mind.
I feel like since he's so little now it's okay to try out different things. I don't see this guy being around ever at all though so I need to work out a permanent solution.
sigh...what to do.
I feel you mama
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
Ugh I just wrote this long response and somehow deleted it. Luddite that I am.
But thank you and I love that you don't do the 'my ex' thing, and your reasons for not doing 'your dad' which I wouldn't do anyway just cos I feel it's so not up to me to make that call. She'll own him if he's worthy, I guess. Or if she needs to for some reason. She'll have her own patterns to weave with all these loose threads I'm leaving her...
Also, I don't know if it's the case where you are, but to call someone a 'unit' in (certain circles in) Australia is a put-down, a bit like calling them a loser. So I laughed and laughed at the 'Parental Unit' tag.
thanks again!