To bail or not to bail
So what to do upon finding out your seventeen year old is in the slammer for a crime she definitely committed? Is it being an enabler to bail them out?
This was no accident, nor wrong place/wrong time misunderstanding. This was pre-meditated, willful criminal activity. Petty larceny, and not the first time. The other store owners thought they'd give her a break and chose not to press charges. "She won't do it again" they cooed. Yeah, right. License to steal.
This most recent store owner wasn't so understanding. I absolutely support his right to prosecute those who try to take what is not theirs. Of course, this does leave my rapidly-deteriorating family with a little more to deal with.
I'd like to leave her there until the court date comes up, but as her parent, I would not forgive myself if she were harmed by the other detainees. She is not what you'd call street-wise by any means, and her lack of sense is what has gotten her assaulted in the past.
Sigh. I really, really, really don't know what to do any more. I have no experience with these kinds of issues...teen pregnancy, arrests, truancy, larceny, inability to complete high school, lies, lies, lies, lies, complete lack of regard for boundaries...I swear, they must have read a manual titled What Society Expects Of Children Raised By A Single, Working Parent, and are following it to the letter.
In the slammer she sits. If I can come up with the funds, I still don't know if posting bail is the right thing to do.
I keep telling myself that there are worse phone calls to get. A trip to the holding tank beats a trip to the morgue. It could be worse. It could be worse.
UPDATE:
and I know it makes no sense, but having spending money is not the issue. She makes money babysitting, and not a buck here or there but $60-$80 a weekend which is plenty for chachkis, movies and bus fare.
She was not alone, she was with a friend, and they both had enough money to pay for the items taken...and they were items that both girls already had at home...sweatpants, leggings, completely unnecessary impulse items, just more crap to leave at a friends house and forget were ever owned.
The cop said she (and her stealing buddy) were mouthy and sassed the store detective, throwing stuff on the floor and saying "Here's your shit, now get our of our faces". They actually thought they could just refuse to cooperate and get away with it. Prisons are full of people who think they can just refuse.
What is scaring me is that she is NOT learning, and each incident is more serious than the last...failing school is not making any impression, getting suspended is not making any impression, getting assaulted after buying booze and getting drunk at some stranger's house last year is not making any impression, busted and charged with larceny is not making any impression. I'm watching my kid take the criminal road, and there's seemingly no cure.
They're booked, fingerprinted, and have a court date. The cops have offered to let them go on a promise to appear if the parents come sign them out.
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
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i don't know if you were sincerely asking the question of us, or you were just working shit out in your own head. but my vote is bail. i know some kids whose parents pulled that tough love shit and it didn't go well, the kids just bailed on the parents permanently and got into worse trouble. none of them, from what i remember, ever looked back on that time and appreciated the message that their parents were trying to send them by letting them stay there. now, if it were your husband, or friend, or parent, i think that would be different. but the relationship between mother and child, in my opinion, does not lend itself to the tough love approach.
not that i don't understand your predicament, i'd worry about it too. i'm sorry this is happening, and to boot your kids are reading your blog. not cool. maybe when they're older and raising teenagers of their own they will get that mothers are people with a right to privacy and a space to process their thoughts.
1-800-448-3000. I know that one of the hardest things about being a single mom is that you don't have another adult around to reason things out with, like "If we leave her in jail, she'll learn her lesson." "Oh, but, darling, she's still a young girl...."
You know that there are bail bondsmen, and they charge 10% of the bail and cover the rest, right? I'm not sure how the whole thing works, but you might try that instead of attempting to cover the full amount yourself. ALSO, I have to tell you that L-Dawg did some of this stuff at the end of her Freshperson year, and it was part of a mechanism that she was using to tell me that high school was not right for her. Maybe your kid is doing the same thing. L didn't go to jail, so I don't have that piece of the puzzle for you. However, if you bail your kid out, you might consider forcing her to get a JOB to pay you back. Make her wish she had gone to jail.
And try to get her some therapy. I mean it sounds like your family is in the same boat, somewhat, as mine. The FAX bailed, and, as a consequence, the rest of us are poor and having to work the system. It's hard for kids who see their friends who have intact families, or even dads who are co-parenting, and who see the economic benefits of that arrangement, and then go home *thinking* that their situation is worse because of the absent dad and his absent hundred grand.
My other thought is that this is a time to draw together as a family--and this includes your other kids. The worst thing to do would be to make your dd feel like she's an outsider. Yes, she has committed a crime, but she does not have the full perspective of what that means. Draw together, cut her off from the kids she was doing this with, talk to the other parents about this. Remember, you are the matriarch of this family.
And, you rock.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Once Scott, my 15 yr old son, tried to steal something from a gas station with a couple of his friends. They got caught and the store called the police, who picked them up and took them to the station and gave them a stern talking to. Since it was their first offense the store agreed to let it go, so there was no arrest or anything. But Brian and I came down really hard on him (took his phone, grounded for a month, extra chores around the house) and let him know we were VERY disappointed in him. That opened his eyes a lot and he was very shook up at the whole police experience, plus he found out that if he did end up doing this again he would get cut from the football team! So he has never repeated this. The friend that instigated the whole thing kept doing stuff like this and now goes to a juvie type school.
Although I was glad he didn't get arrested and we were able to handle it ourselves...if he did something like this again and got busted I would be sorely tempted to not bail him out...I do not play that thug life, criminal mind-set crap at all. But we would, probably. Only if it did not create financial hardship for us though. I have known people to put up their rent money or utility money or car payment money to bail out their kids...I am so not the one.
much food for thought...I hope your girl has learned her lesson. Why is she not working, urge her to get a part-time job so she has spending money.
It is ok to cut the apron strings. She is one year from being grown, stress to her that once she is 18 what she does is ON her, it's not on you anymore. Start thinking about a transition to adulthood plan, like how long do you plan on taking care of her, when does she leave home, what's her plan? What are her goals, what does she want for herself in life? Get her thinking about these things and help her figure out how to make things happen in her life.
Maybe this sounds like finger in the pike but what about demanding some terms around your bailing her out and her living at home. LIke family therapy and individual for her- a clinic that has a program for teens w/ conduct problems, a low or no cost clinic. She's hurting, sounds like she has BIG issues around not feeling good enough, feeling she's worthless, and she's gotten to the "fuck it all anyway" place and is going to PROVE it. I would force her into a major t herapeutic program now- ask the cops for referrals. Maybe she needs meds. I don't know what her dad's or your history is like, but it's possible during this phase of her life she might needs something to stabilize her impulsivity. I don't know. But she needs an evaluation by a serious mental health pro. And some good therapy w/ you to see why she is in so much pain and wants to "get even." I'm so sorry. Not your fault. Not her fault. But she needs help, is lost, and I'd set soem REALLY strict parameters around her continuing to be at home, rather than like a residential teen treatment program which she is headed towards w/ out some serious help, IMO.
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Speaking of bondsmen, while I was at the police station hearing the list of my daughter's antics before they gave her back to me, I was approached by a stranger. He tapped me on the shoulder and said in a painfully New England accent "Usted necessito un bondo?", which is Spanish for "You need bond?".
I blinked, trying to take in the bizarreness of the moment...I was in the police station collecting my kid, which was weird enough, and now this man I didn't know was talking to me. I understood what he was saying, but the words didn't sound right to me.
Oh wait...I'm beige and in a police station...
"Gracias, no. No neccesito un bondo, y soy Norteamericana...hablo ingles perfecto!" I said. My Spanish is pretty weak, but I could manage that much.
He looked utterly confused, then burst out laughing..."Oh, sorry, sorry..." he began.
"No need to apologize." I said. "Right now, I'd be only too glad to be from anywhere but here."
I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I found it hysterical.