Trouble in paradise!
An, in the end, great but chalenging weekend;
- my fella came down, he changed his arrival time and didn't communicate the change effectively and I got pissed, we argued on the phone and he basically drove up in the night, we met made up had amazing sex, went to go out and i basically had what i can only describe as a tantrum, he was like this is not working. it was awful, we spoke properly. this relationship, despite how good its been has triggered a lot of stuff in me, i am kind of getting more insecure as we get further in he hasn@t caused this its my damage.
- we made a plan,he was like regardless of what happens between us have you considered counselling, He is a counsellor and has to be in it anyway as part of his professional life. He was like I think you have some childhood/early adulthood stuff to deal with. I felt, mad, scared, defensive, all cast iron clues that he is right
- So I am starting counselling plus we talked about some other stuff, like me being so high energy and goal orientated all the time which is great but cannot necessarily be applied to another grown human being without driving them crazy, the fact that I can't really totally relax or totally engage in a seperate activity when I'm with him just doing nothing. The fact that I have made massive strides in my career and as a parent but that my social, emotional and sexual identity has remained pretty stunted.
-so the plan; I would begin talking to someone, be social without him, do something creative and stick to it the way I would something for the babe and we made a bet on who could improve their health the most by Christmas. He took on board the stuff i had to say about social engagement etiquette and such like. we are planning to have thursday night as an unassailable date/sex night. We saved our relationship from its first fire storm, yay!
- the next day was great we went to a little village and had lunch and talked and came home and had more sex, he kept just trying to make me relax and fall asleep and just spent hours like rubbing my back and stroking me all over and he went out and bought me sweets. i think i am going to learn a lot from this relationship.
- i've never mentioned this before but i,ve been in a 12 step fellowship for 7 years (clean and sober) and it requires a lot of spiritual growth stuff. I think i've been neglecting this and i need to go deeper, this relationship has brought a ton of stuff to the surface I don't have a woman to talk with at the moment and I am feeling the lack, so I am putting my requirement for one out in the universe.
-i love this world, i love the universe, i need a daily spiritual practise that strengthens this, I need to show my gratitude for all i have, its a lot.
-the babe called me today, i am missing her in a raw, visceral way. I can hear new maturity in her voice. she is preparing for a dance exam and i am usually very strict about her practising etc she doesn't alwys appreciate this, I am a tyrant! but now she's like I wish you were here forcing me to de better.
love from liverpool
des
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first off, i love you dearly, truly and all that good stuff!
1. relationships/people are complex - consider where you've been and how much you've grown in a short time, i support everyone/anyone getting into counseling, when the time is right, and people are ready to replace their patterns, grow, make life changes, etc. it can only bring you more love, light, passion and release of anything that isn't working in your life - i would support you doing this, with or without your man's suggestion, with or without this relationship.
2. do it for yourself, period - i think he means well to suggests this, but nobody is perfect, and the goal is to heal, live and feel joy, everyday - the goal is about the process, and you can figure the rest out as it comes.
3. you haven't been in a relationship for 7 years! of course things would pop up, this makes total sense. fight the impulse to have the next tantrum, do what you must when it flares up - if there are parts of you that were "left behind" or feel stunted - love them, and find a way to wear your scars proudly, without the desire to hide them - *guess who else has had to do that shit?!!!*.
yep.
4. remind him and me of your age difference. i know this doesn't play a huge part in your immediate relationship, but it could be significant when things flare up - i'm just throwing this out there.
5. the goal orientated thing, i don't know know what to say, it's a bit touchy for me right now - i'll throw this out there to be considered - and say that while you and i are considered "goal or career orientated" people, everyone around us knows this, prior to getting involved with us - i was once someone who had a ton of drive and never knew how to execute it, i often wondered how successful people became that way and wondered what it would take for me to get there - we move because we know how to, we've taught ourselves one way or another how to do it - i see his point, but the flip side is that it's his choice to be involved with a woman who aspires to do great things. what is the other choice? your passion is what motivates you - when people truly live their life paths, the feel it and act on it. it may not be his way, but it's yours and i think it's great.
6. i support you continuing your 12 step process, keep doing it - i respect and honor your heart & challenge. it takes courage to move through addiction and into recovery, you love yourself enough to recognize this. keep going!
love always - CX
and thank you for accepting my opinion - i am almost never right, and i find being "right" to be less and less important, each day.
i know that he has his own "situation" and life to deal with, and the very best of partners, and relationships, call you out on your shit. i tend to think that folks like you and i need less calling out and more comfort, or maybe i have it backwards? i can't tell anymore.
i think that real love is brave, fierce, tender and kind - it allows mistakes, growth, and lies under our skin boiling like a fever - i think it also changes over time. i think it makes sense that you would "throw things aside" and jump head first into this love affair, i would have done so too!
that seems to be me to be part of the excitement, risk, breathing taking adventure - the good stuff that we write movies about, that part is normal!
the spirituality part is crucial for you and i appreciate your honesty - i agree, the 12 step is not nearly enough now, and you want to know why? because you've grown! as you keep asking the universe for more, you get it and more comes with a whole lot of other stuff! more means: you need more, you are more - etc., and that's the magic of changing and evolving as a human being - really coming into yourself - you do need more help and you can have it. find that cool person who can help guide you - the guidance thing is huge, i wouldn't be here without it. AND it's work, not for lazy people - you can do this.
i think that if he saw and said that you needed or could benefit from counseling, it was something that you've been "wearing" for a long time. some folks just don't see it *they need counseling their damn selves! ha!*, and even weirder, sometimes it's challenging to separate the problems/issues from a persons "personality self", shit starts to blend, etc. some of the closest people around me didn't know that i had a counselor, in spite of having told them 1,000 times or talking about it openly. they are not paying attention, but i am. i know when i am "off", etc. i know when to ask for more help and how to receive it.
what's the good news? this has to be taken in stride, and it will be, it already is as i type this! you know who you are - period. you know what you can do - and what you can't/shouldn't be doing. and you trust yourself to not do it. and you won't.
it's not a matter of being "irrational" or even worse - "irresponsible", it's a matter of making a new choice, and yes, with a new man there is going to be a new balance - find what you can live with, and what you can't. and just say it/do it/live it like you do.
i would also suspect that after a long haul of being on your own that the transition would be a startling one in terms of compromising with someone else.
what does it feel like? i'm serious when i ask you this, because i've honestly forgotten what that's like, and i'm not even 100% sure that i want to do it.
can you tell that you're doing it? i can't remember for the life of me whether i minded it or not, or it i just forgot when i was doing it because i got so used to it.
take your time with this, no matter what - things are deepening between you and you can make the tricky/more challenging choices later *if they pop up*. i also want to add that as a single mom, there isn't a whole lot of socializing that goes on, outside of school - work, etc. there is a balance that you haven't experienced yet because of "how you've lived". does that make sense? letting things go for a while was the right thing to do. school, friends, mom, babe, man, this is just another shift - money, too. all of it temporary.
what else would someone like you or i do? seriously!? i did something similar when i met a man i fell in love with a few years ago - i'm not sure what will happen the next time around, and i'm beginning to like the uncertainty of things more and more - or maybe i'm just appreciating it more, i can't tell.
hang tight and keep me posted! AND have you heard of louise hay? check her books out - you would really like her mantra's and view point on life!
your friend - cX
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thanks for your kind and inspirational words.
When he mentioned conselling I totally thought of you, I know you always credit your counsellor with really helping your growth. I have avoided in the past because I had this attitude that my 12 step programme should take care of this but now with this relationship stuff i feel like i need to go deeper. i am looking for a kickass woman with a strong intellect and a financial package i can work with. just writing that gives me a warm feeling in my stomach.
when he and i had this discussion it was hard. when i looked at myself objectively i could see that in the red hot maelstrom of new love i had let a lot of stuff go that had got me to a place where i was ready for love, I hadn't been completing a daily spiritual practise/meditating in the morning, hadn't been constructively reveiwing my day at night, hadn't been exercising, hadn't been eating that well and hadn't been as organised in my studies, hadn't been sleeping that well and hadn't been that organised with regard to the babe. also some financial unmanageability had crept in.
It wasn't like he listed this stuff, he isn't even aware of most of it, he was just like whats wrong and he has a way of asking that question that gets to the heart of the matter. please believe me when i tell you he went away with his own list of self improvement! this was not a one way street, it was a mutual fact finding, fact facing, house clearing mission.
i am not getting down on myself, romantic sexual love is a powerful force that makes people do crazy things, i guess for the first time in my life i am trying to shape that force into a constructive healthy relationship with staying power and that gives both parties space for limitless expansion. the goals stuff is tough, i agree with you it all looks very attractive from the outside but the day to day reality is different! he is very encouraging of my ambitions i think he finds it very sexy, but we are still finding a way to make our lives mesh.
thanks again for all your support, love you and value your unique view point and words, all the money in the world can't buy this type of advice!
meds