Woke up at 5am in a cold sweat..... I'm reading between the lines in my dreams lately.

This all seems dramatic, but I did just wake up from a cold sweat. 5 am.

Realized that the place I was planning on interning at doesn't want me doing anything other than layout- the decision of which is probably not based on time restraints or availability (like I was told), but based on the one and only design for a leaflet I sent them, which in my nightmare was ugly as hell.

1 piece. It might actually be ugly as hell- I'd post it here but I don't want to for privacy reasons.

My portfolio sucks. I have a 3.6 or something gpa and my portfolio sucks. Beyond going to court with my family, being a single mama, dealing with my abusive ex's attempts to thwart me, shitty redneck neighbors (until recently) & other heartbreaks galore- I have not been able to make my portfolio a priority.

I feel like I have potential- but my son will always come first- it's not as though I can just call up his dad if I have a design project that I need more time for.

Either I continue on my current path and hope that I have what it takes to become a designer despite my heart not being sure about fully being in it in the first place (I never dreamt of doing this for a living & I question working on computers- I'd rather be painting/doing photography, or gasp! a writer) or I throw in the towel and start down another path. If the place I was attempting to build an internship at- whose current free design leaves a lot to be desired- doesn't get back to me about poster specs because they are afraid of what I'll produce- it's either all or nothing at this point. How can I ever be competitive if I don't have the help raising my child that I need? I mean, I know it's possible because there are mamas out there like Meds who are going to Oxford (yay Meds!) but in my world these things just seem so out of reach.

Okay. So that is definitely dramatic. Maybe I shouldn't quit until I have actually worked on my portfolio- then, if it's awful- I'll have learned to accept failure???? Wait! I want a guarantee that I will be a good designer! I was concentrating more on my grades than anything else these past 2 years.

I thought that design would be a chance for us to make good enough money one day so that we could have the quality of life I had hoped for- nothing too extravagant, just enough to get by without having to worry. Enough to take frugal vacations. I'm so disheartened. Even if I have what it takes I feel sure that being a single mom will just destroy my competitive edge completely. I never got to go to art college like I wanted to and so this is how I settled. The economy sucks. If there ever was a time to be competitive, the time is now.

1 piece! Which might have been ugly but hey- give me feedback so I can fix it, right? I don't even get a faculty adviser at my college as a continuing ed student- it's very geared towards young designers who have the time & are highly competitive. I'm the only graphic design major who is a single mother who lives with her child in the entire program.

I am one miserable person. I can't believe it took me that long to figure out that they think I'm that shitty a designer.

I always thought I had it in me......do I? Do I need these challenges to bring it out? I have so little encouragement in my life. I have to be my own little inner cheerleading squad, which DOES NOT come easily or naturally for me. I grew up listening to a woman who was perhaps the most sarcastic person on the planet with incredibly low self-esteem and although she encouraged me, I almost mock myself at times. If I was good, it was to prove that she was a good parent & I was a good child with uber genes. If I wasn't good at something, it was proof that I really didn't have my head screwed on right. Advice?

Can I do this? I know that's a question that I have to ask myself. I just don't know if I can- that's part of the problem, I think, combined with the fact that it's been an incredibly unstable couple of years for me as far as support/security/even friendship go.

My therapist has assigned me to complete a painting as part of our work together- it's me, with a sandbag tied around my leg and a pair of scissors- a field forest behind me with everything that is tied to me in it, and a field before me with all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

Can I do this? My art????