a LONG ten on tuesday night!

it's been far, far too long since i've posted a grats list and it's about time....so here goes.

1. the local independent record store buys used movies and cds and it's a godsend! i threw a bunch of cds i don't listen to anymore (i have them all on itunes but i still can't bring myself to part with the ones i listen to alot; it's a music-obsession-thing!) and some DVDs i havent pulled out in a while in a backpack and headed down there after work today and walked out with $70 CASH! that got me: a full tank of gas, some basic groceries (bread, milk, fruit etc), and leaves me with $20 leftover. plus, it gets rid of some of the *junk* that builds up quickly in this tiny apartment. can i get a fuck yes for places that buy used shit?!

every single penny counts!

2. friends that look out for my ass are amazing. i was stuck on a phone plan with FAX (loooooong shameful, moronic story) until a few weeks ago when he had my line shut off out of spite when i told him i think it's time for a new child support hearing. verizon wanted $400 for me to get on my own account, which is impossible for me. enter one of my amazing girl friends who immediately put me on her at&t plan, where i'm paying HALF as much as i was before for better service! i'm saving money, she won't screw me over (EVER!) and i'm free of the one thing (besides DD) that was tying me to FAX. i know how lucky i am to have friends like this, and i make sure i let them know every chance i have.

i think this picture sums it up: whether we like it or not, ask for it or not, helping hands are the foundation we're all built on. i put that hand out for others as much as i can, and i know that it's there for me when i need it, even if it's something as small as needing a phone.

3. i know i've given grats/props to the library before, but i've got to mention it again. hundreds of thousands of books in one place, available on demand, FOR FREE! the children's room at our local library is awesome, and it's a great place to go on a hoooot day to cool off and relax for awhile. DD adores reading and we leave with about 15 books once a week when we go. she'll be old enough for her own card when she turns four, and she's already excited about it. that's a pretty effing big step, right?! plus, having information about *anything* at my disposal is priceless. i'm an info-holic and the library is my mecca. no matter what's going on in my life, in the world around me, i can always get lost in a book.

our library doesn't look like this, but it'd be pretty goddamn cool if it did.

4. netflix! i'm frequently a broke mama, a searching-the-couch-cushions-for-change mama, and although maybe i shouldn't i DO allow myself some small luxuries because i think i deserve them: my phone, some craft beer once a week, and netflix are my indulgences. for $8.99 you can get UNLIMITED instant downloads, and i'm hooked on documentaries lately. some i have in my queue that i haven't watched yet: Inside Deep Throat, Commune, Gender Rebel, Stripped, The End Of Poverty?, and Power And Terror: Noam Chomsky. once again, INFO-HOLIC RIGHT HERE!, and being able to access thousands of movies for instant streaming keeps me sane after DD goes to bed and i'm bored out of my mind. i'll never stop seeking knowledge about things i'm interested in, and i'm psyched that netflix gives me a bit of access to things i want to learn more about. not to mention the entertainment aspect, obviously; being able to stream every season of buffy whenever i want = AWESOME.

5. summer! being able to hike, swim, walk, play, and climb outside is...exactly what we needed at exactly the right time. new england winters aren't easy, and it seems like RIGHT when everyone is starting to lose it a little from the frigid temperatures and the weekly snow storms the air starts to change and before we know it there's grass poking out of the mud and leaves on the trees. summer snuck up on me this year; i feel like one day it was freezing and snowy and then the next day it was 90 and green as far as i could see. we have a couple spots locally that we love to hike to and bring lunch to on my days off and there's never many people around, which is nice. DD is at the perfect age to explore the world around her and as a nature junkie she can't get enough of worms, bugs, frogs, fish, and birds so she's in heaven this summer. i hate thinking of the unavoidable fall and winter, so i'll just focus on how much this spring and summer has revived us.

6. sewing! my mom got me a cheap(ish) babylock for christmas and i'm in love with having a creative outlet at my fingertips. the urge to make things comes in fits and starts but i love love love losing myself in a project and then finding myself suddenly done and saying..."holy shit, look what i did!"

7. BEBEHS! i'm having those funny little baby pangs again (the female body is so uncontrollably bizarre sometimes) and although i know a baby isn't in my near future (or even distant future!) it seems like everyone i know is pregnant right now or just gave birth, and it gives me a way to live vicariously through all these new arrivals, in a way. co-workers, old friends, hip mamas, new friends, DD's teachers...it seems that baby blessings are everywhere right now. i'm over the moon ecstatic for everyone who's welcomed a little one into their lives lately or will be soon, and i can't wait to meet them all and steal a snuggle (or at least see pics)!

8a. new beginnings??? i hope hope hope we'll be moving soon. it's not too much of an upgrade (still a one bedroom apartment), but if we do move it's great for a few reasons: no more slumlord!!! huuuuge expanses of grass and trees around the buildings in the complex! an indoor AND outdoor pool! closer to both clinics where i work! a playground! it's the same price as where we are now so i'm hoping it works out. there's 4 units opening up in august and september....only thing that would hold me back is a credit check, so i need to stop by the rental office again and double check to make sure they don't need to do one.

8b. MEN. i'm crazy about them lately. part loneliness, part horniness, part strong energy lately which often ends up being the urge to connect, it all adds up to be the overwhelming desire to touch, flirt with, talk to, laugh with, and connect to every dude i come across. i'm officially...boycrazy. i look at this as another new beginning, though. it's due to my newfound independence after 6 months in a monogomous relationship and although i havent even so much as kissed anyone since i stopped dating B i definitely WANT to. it's a good sign that i'm not broken, which i do worry about from time to time. i DO want that connection, and i DO want that intimacy, and i don't fear it. it's exciting and overwhelming and sexy, and i look forward to the adventures that await me! here's to new beginnings.

9. getting to know my co-workers has been intimidating but rewarding. NONE of them (in either clinic) are open books like i am, so there was a definite period of them feeling me out and getting comfortable with me, but now that i'm really getting to know them well i'm finding myself having so much fun with it. i don't get to meet new people very often (thanks, smalltown suckiness!) and being lucky enough to have a spate of smart, tough-as-nails women around me suddenly is so kickass. every woman i work with is different in nearly every way, but i learn from every single one of them, and connect in a different way with them all.

10. breaking through fear means rewarding new experiences. i was asked to join the abortion team at work because of my enthusiasm for the field and the recommendations of coworkers (OF COURSE i said yes!), which means alot of new responsibility and exposure to things i'm NOT used to. we only do surgical abortions one day a week, and until a few weeks ago i never worked that day. prior to working on "abortion day" i've worked with patients during their pre-abortion appointments, done some options counselling with women just finding out they're pregnant, and helped with some medication abortions, but during the last few weeks i busted through my comfort zone and here's the bottom line: i've been the support person for about ten women undergoing surgical abortions. i was in the room during these women's terminations, assisting the doctor with setup and equipment but mainly taking care of the women. the main thing i'm learning is that breathing is number one; the simple act of holding someone's hand and breathing with them (deeeeeep breath in, sloooooow breath out) is the difference between overwhelming fear and panic or small steps toward strength and courage. eye contact is another big helper....it seems small but having something to "stare" at helps take the edge off the procedure itself. i've also helped out in the lab when the doctor checks to make sure she got the entire pregnancy, and although i thought i would be disturbed seeing the actual embryos it's something i mainly view through the lens of the service we're providing the women and it doesn't bother me. from a scientific standpoint i'm getting the education of a fucking lifetime in that lab; from a human standpoint i'm fulfilling the desire i've had for so long to take care of people who might need me.

and as much as those women might need me, i DO need to learn some techniques to avoid holding onto the tension i take on. last week i stayed with one young woman through every step of her termination: counselling to make sure she was making the best choice for herself, ultrasound to make sure she wasn't "too far" along for our practice, the abortion itself, and the recovery room afterward. this young woman and i, over the course of 2 intense hours, got to "know" each other, and it hit me much harder than when i see the women on abortion day during only part of their termination. she had a tough time with the whole thing (wept during the procedure itself and vomited afterward) and when she left the recovery room to go home (to her roomate and one year old child) i ducked into the bathroom and cried for a few minutes. it was a release that was necessary for me to go forward with my day and be of help to the other women who needed me, but it startled me because it was the first time i've had that kind of reaction. being the "rock" isn't always easy and i know i have a long way to go before i'll be able to find the medium between compassionate care and limiting the pain i take on, but what i treasure is that i am *learning*. every day that i work with women, whether it be during their annual exams or colposcopies or surprise pregnancies or first time on birth control or abortions, i learn more about women and the human experience. i learn and i grow and THAT, mamas, is something that i wouldn't trade for anything.