sick in bed + lonely = down in the dumps. (whiny rant ahead...and UPDATE)
this past week has been a suckfest, mentally and physically. i woke up last thursday with an awful sore throat, bad enough that i was having trouble swallowing and went straight to the doctor. the rapid strep was negative (as was the culture) and the DO ulitmately said i had a virus and needed fluids and rest. that night i tried to go grocery shopping and suddenly got sweaty and achy and dizzy a few minutes into the shopping trip, and then burst into tears for pretty much no reason. i drove us home after sitting in the car for twenty minutes with DD until i felt okay enough to drive, and when i got home i took my temp and it was up to 103. i was miserable. cried all night on and off because i was so achy and scared, and barely slept that night. by the next day the fever was down to under a hundred and i spent the day home from work in bed while DD was at school. by saturday and sunday i wasn't feeling too bad, just tired and hoarse and a little achy. suddenly sunday night, though, whatever it is that i've had moved into my lungs and hasn't budged since then. i spent sunday night coughing and wheezing and sputtering and using my inhaler constantly, so went to the ER on monday morning. they gave me some fluids and a nebulizer treatment and after running some tests told me that while my resting oxygen levels were okay, my ambulating oxygen levels were pretty bad, down to 86 at some points. they put me on zithromax for whatever the infection is (assuming it's bacterial) and prednisone to bring down the inflammation in my lungs, and told me that i have to stay in bed for the week or i'll most likely end up on oxygen.
we stayed at my mom's that day and night and she took care of DD, thankfully. yesterday DD had daycare (which i have to pay for whether i send her or not) so i spent the day in bed again. today she's with her other grandmother until bedtime, so i'm set up for another day of bedrest without my little one around. it's a relief to know she's taken care of (SUCH a relief!) but i feel shitty that i've barely paid attention to her lately. she's been happy and cooperative to it doesn't seem to be bothering her, but i miss our normal routine.
i'm not feeling much better after two days on the steroids. i'm still gagging and coughing, and my lungs still feel heavy and tight and achy. i can't take a deep breath without coughing, and i get winded talking for more than a few seconds. last night i had some really bad coughing fits and my fingernails started to get a little bluish but since my toenails and lips had normal color i decided to sleep on it rather than calling my mom in the middle of the night to bring DD and i to back to the ER, and thankfully when i woke up this morning my nailbeds had healthy color again. the prednisone is making my hungry and weepy, but i don't feel like it's helping my lungs much. maybe i'd be worse without it, who knows.
i'm lonely and scared and depressed right now. the house is a mess. i need to do laundry and dishes, but with the threat of dropping oxygen levels looming i'm ignoring the house and following orders and resting. i'm so thankful that i have people to help take care of DD, but at the risk of sounding pathetic...i wish i had someone to take care of ME. i feel so helpless and alone right now. my mother has kind of washed her hands of me since we left yesterday morning. i have a followup appointment with the DO tomorrow and asked her to watch DD while i go, and she said yes...as long as i pick her up immediately afterwards because she wants to "relax" tomorrow. so no matter how i'm feeling tomorrow, and despite the fact that i'm still supposed to be on bed rest, i'm on my own with DD tomorrow, which feels overwhelming right now. i'm also starving right now (thanks, prednisone...at least i have my appetite back!) and since i havent gone to the grocery store there's not much here to eat besides food for DD. i spent my last few dollars paying my phone bill to get it turned back on so i have it in case i need it, and i don't get paid until tomorrow. i asked my mother to bring me a sandwich this morning and she said "you need a sandwich NOW? can't i just bring you twenty bucks later when i go to work at four?"
and yeah, i'm grateful that she's offering to bring me money for food, but if she were to reach into her fridge and make me a damn sandwich it would be much more helpful. i'm thirty years old, i know it's lame to be bitching that my mother isn't "doing enough for me", but...i'm in a shit position and i'm in need of help right now. i've turned to her for it and i'm left feeling like an annoying burden.
the guy i've been seeing since october turned out to be emotionally handicapped, and i cant count on him for anything, least of all to give me some TLC when i'm vulnerable. for the first few months, when the sex was new and it was all happy and honeymooney all the time things were great, but when shit got REAL, and he started taking me for granted and being distant and grumpy and i tried to talk to him about it, he made it pretty clear that we have different ideas about relationships. i want a partner who's supportive and open and communicative, and he wants a partner who...doesn't have any needs or emotions he has to deal with. he wants a partner he doesn't have to talk to.
so fuck it, we want different things. it's not working. i'm not that upset over it, because for the last month he's been pretty much invisible anyway. i'm not really losing anything. but here i am sick and alone, and i wish he was the kind of guy who gave enough of a shit about someone he claims to care about to actually HELP ME. he stopped by to visit yesterday (i dont know why. i shouldnt have let him) and i asked him if he could please grab me something to eat before he left and he was all "do you want to hang out with me or make me do errands for you?" AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! i'm on fucking bedrest, i don't want to "hang out" with anybody! i want a little company, someone to talk to, and yeah, someone to HELP ME OUT A LITTLE. my needs are clearly outrageous, right?
i'm so down right now. i'm lonely. i'm scared. i tried to reach out to a close friend and wrote to her this morning about how i'm feeling and told her that i feel like i'm i'm falling apart a little, and her response was "well that's not going to help your immune system, you need to think positive." great. that's super fucking helpful. she means well, and she's right, but it just annoyed the piss out of me. anything would have been better than that. just "i know, and i love you" would have been wonderful.
the one good thing is that my boss has been super supportive while i've been out of work, and has made sure that i'll be paid for the days i'm missing with my CTO time. she also mentioned that when i'm back at work she wants to to sit down with me and talk about me doing some new things and taking on new responsibilities at work, because she knows i'm interested in learning as much as possible and she's gotten alot of positive feedback from our co-workers. so, go me. that makes me smile, actually. 
but everything else right now is a big load of crud. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm not supposed to get out of bed other than to whiz. i'm worried about my deteriorating health. i havent connected with my little girl in about a week. i'm lonely. i don't feel like i have any support. i'm broke. i'm hungry (fucking RAVENOUS, actually). i'm bored. the last week is getting me down, hard.
i'm aware that some of the side effects of the prednisone can be depression and irritibility, so i know some of my feelings right now might be due to some hormonal BS going on in my body, but knowing that doesn't help.
i'm just.....BLECCCCH. i know this is one long "wah, poor me" ramble, but i needed to get it out somewhere. i'm so fucking frustrated, and it feels good to vent, so thanks for reading.
*ETA UPDATE*: apparently it really does get darker before the dawn, because i had an awful depressed day yesterday and woke up this morning actually feeling...better. i was breathing a little better and coughing a little less, and i was in a pretty good mood. i slept well last night for the first time in days, and that has alot to do with it, i think.
i had my followup with the DO this morning. he's happy that i've seen some improvement but he's still unimpressed with my lung function so he's upping the prednisone dosage and extending it 9 days beyond the original 6 they prescribed at the ER. he didn't even do a chest xray because he said he's not hearing anything in my lungs that makes him think pneumonia; he's still thinking severe bronchitis brought on by the virus i came down with last week, aggravated by asthma and the shitty air quality lately. he wants me to keep laying low today and tomorrow and then take the weekend to try to get back into our routine so that i can go back to work monday. i can't wait until the weekend is over-- i fucking miss my job! i havent worked since last wednesday, and it's crazy how much i miss it.
anyway, it's good to know that there's slow but steady improvement. DD and i are relaxing at home today, our first day together since sunday. currently we're watching Ace of Cakes, because her new career goal is "selling cupcakes and big huge cakes shaped like airplanes like THAT GUY." it's hooooot today (boooo, air quality) so we're hanging out pants-free and hitting the popsicles pretty hard; it's nice to be around her, even just slobbing around together. she has school tomorrow and then we have the weekend to get back into the swing of things, so here's to hopefully getting normal life back soon!
ps- doc also gave me some codeine to take at night to hopefully fend off the coughing so i can sleep better. why didn't the er think of that four days ago?!?!
pps- now that i know what it is, I WANT PHO!!! it sounds delicious, and i'm looking up vietnamese grocery stores in the area so i can track some down!
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feel ya, feel ya, feel ya, feel ya on every front!!!
It's funny, you know, I've been e-mailing a lady from the orchestra I belong to about some music thing, and I told her about being sick and having kids do a tag-team on me, and I closed with "such is the life of a single mom!". She, a lesbian and assuming that I am one as well, replied, "Sounds like you need a girlfriend!"
When I got that e-mail, I found that I couldn't argue with it. If she had said, "Sounds like you need a boyfriend!" Well, I would have gone through the litany of reasons why a man is worse than being completely alone at a time like this, but a girlfriend, hmmmm.....dang it all. I fucking hate being straight.
Oh yeh, and eff your mom. It's not like you're whining about a head cold--you're on medically ordered bed rest, for fuck's sake.
If I were near you, now that I am not too ill to function, I would bring you hella food, including a big order of pho, my new cure-all. Do you have a practical friend, one who won't fuck around when you tell HER that you're sick and you need food? Call her.
Fuck romance, fuck men, fuck the idea of a mom who will bring you soup when you're down, you need a practical lesbian friend, or a girlfriend, if you are lucky enough to swing in that direction...
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
That totally sucks. If I lived close, I'd bring you some groceries, (and Pho, it does work wonders for respiratory stuff) a stupid funny movie (but not too funny, I don't want to give you a coughing fit...) and I'd run a load of laundry, do your dishes, mop your floor and let you whine until you have no whine left. Then I'd try to make you chuckle...gently so as to avoid the aforementioned coughing. I hope you feel better soon. The prednisone definatley gives folks some super anghst. Don't blame yourself. My son got roid rage from it. A super sweet 2 1/2 year old at the time, he attacked a man in a parking lot. I shit you not. This poor meek guy was like " Hi little guy! How are you?" and smiled at him. That was all it took. My chubby faced baby boy went AFTER the poor bewildered dude. My son smacked the guy in the face. Twas NUTS. The doc at the clinic said it wasn't possible, but then my son's regular pediatrician who knows him came in and my son went after him, raging and pushing chairs around. The doc took one look and said, wow he really does have roid rage. This will pass. The drugs will leave your system, you'll start feeling better and the world will look brighter again soon. hugs, vibes and whatever else you need or want.
Oh, one more thing. Have your Vitamin D level checked. It's one thing that can cause a lowered immune system. Make sure you guys get some sun without sunscreen on (if you're into sunscreen that is 
Green tea is good too, helps the antibiotics work better, and there's a chemical in it that supposedly boosts your mood. Worth a shot, even if it's placebo.
I mainline the green tea when I'm sick. Who knows if it works, but smarter people who know more about herbal remedies than I do say it does. If you do get your vit D checked you'll probably find that it's waaaaaay low. Mine was 27 (don't know the units) and it's supposed to be between 50 and 70, according to my midwife... those of us living in the frozen north don't get nearly enough sunlight, esp. at any time other than the height of summer.
And yeah- pho. I recently found out there is a place in my town that delivers pho, but only in their neighborhood. I considered moving to that 'hood cos having pho delivered? When you are sick?! So awesome. Anyway, I hope you can find some nearby. Maybe if you go to the Vietnamese grocer and look sickly and ask they'll take pity on you and make you some, even if they don't have any normally.
Anyway-- feel free to have a pity party for yourself when ever you damn want, woman! Being sick sucks and anyone who tells you not to whine can be told to take a flying fig and stuff it down their pants. I, personally, am the worst sick person in the world and can only complain mightily when I'm sick. Had the swine flu last fall and even though it was not a really, really bad case, I told Wee Papa daily (hourly?) that I was sure I was going to die. I see no reason for stoicism.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
it's a cheap supplement, and almost everyone's diet is severely deficient. since it's really a hormone, it takes months for your levels to restore to normal after startnig to take it on a regular basis, at doses many times that of the RDA. since i started a year ago, i am sick much less, my legs and shoulders ache less, i'm more alert and i sleep better. that shit is real. and like i say, it's a cheap supplement.
Vietnamese noodle soup. It comes in three containers: one is just broth, the second has the noodles and meat (I like rice noodles and a seafood/chicken combo) and the magical third one has bean sprouts, cilantro, sweet basil and some peppers, oh and some spicy plum paste. You mix things up according to your preference and slurp it down. YUMMERS!
I refuse to put my boy on it these days b/c every time he takes it, he cries and mopes and wails uncontrollably over shadows. He is 4....been on and off p-sone many times since he was 1 1/2. Last time, I halved the dose-- improved lungs, less side effects. Prednisone is scary! Have a good cry and blame the drugs.
i'm on 60mg a day for three more days. it's making me hungry and antsy and irritable and sleepless. i can't imagine how your poor little guy must have felt when he was taking it! at least i can process why i'm feeling like this and know it's because of the medicine; he must have just been like "help, i feel freaky and i don't know why!"
i can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with serious asthma in a young child; you're a trooper, mama. i have mild seasonal asthma and use xopanex (used to use albuterol- HATE THAT STUFF!!) when i need it from about april through july, and between the allergies and the infection right now this is the sickest my lungs have ever been. not being able to breath is scary enough for me, and i'm 30.
i have an dr apt tomorrow and they want to do another chest xray (among other things) because pneumonia doesn't always show up on early xrays, and i'm kind of worried that's what's going on. i feel like my lungs are filled with sand, and it's not getting any better. whatever it is that's gotten into me, it ain't good, and it's wreaking havoc. anyway, i'm crossing my fingers for no pneumonia and improved oxygen levels tomorrow. (shit, does that count as "thinking postive"?!)
your friend is not right, she's so so WRONG. you are recovering from an infectious illness, having shiny happy thoughts has absolutely no effect on how you recover. it only affects how selfish people experience your company. did you read that article posted a while back, by barbara ehrenreich? (i can't remember if it was me who posted it, heh) about how sick people are encouraged to think positively and it's a sham and borderline abusive... i just searched and found that the thread was deleted, but here's an article on alternet about her book.
http://www.alternet.org/health/143187
and your ex may be fun, but i'm glad he's an ex for bitching about running an errand for a sick friend. i would do it in a heartbeat. i'm sure you have other friends too who would do it. and when you're better... here's to looking for a better boyfriend.
it's kind of shitty to tell someone that they arent allowed to be pissy about whatever it is that's illin' them. i do think there's a correlation between mental health and physical health, to a certain point; depressed people get sick more often, for example, because their immune systems get "depressed" too. but when someone IS sick, what's the fricking point of telling them to "cheer up and think positive"?! it's almost like telling them that if they don't get better it's their own fault. it's kind of mean. what am i supposed to be positive about right now? i know i'm not going to be sick forever (FUCK, i hope not anyway) but i'm not exactly overjoyed that i can't laugh without choking, and that i keep whizzing my damn pants every time i have a coughing fit. not to mention that i'm on fucking bedrest; if that's not a downer than i don't know what is.
i didn't read that interview yet because i noticed that it's like 5 pages long and i'm not super focused right now....but i minimized the window so it's there for later when i can't sleep.
and yeah, the ex was fun for a few months. i thought i was in love with him, but with a clearer head and some space i understand that it was really just hardcore lust. i'm disappointed in myself that i got involved with someone who admits that he smokes weed 24 hours a day (LITERALLY-- he gets up in the middle of the night to smoke. he smokes while he's taking a dump. he smokes first thing in the morning when he wakes up) because otherwise he "can't handle life". i thought it was great to finally be with someone who wasn't a heavy drinker, but the bottom line is i don't want to be with someone who isn't willing to examine why they feel like they can't handle their life. i don't want to be with someone who tells me he can't come see me during the week because he can't afford gas, but when he shows up on fridays he buys weed from my neighbor right in front of me. i don't want to be with someone who says "see? this is what i hate about relationships" when i say "i feel like we've been really distant lately, maybe we should talk. i miss you." i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to ever think about anything besides pot and fucking. i guess the most important thing is that i KNOW i don't want to be with someone like that, so i don't have to be. it just sucks that the lusty honeymoony period eclipsed my common sense briefly and i took this emotionally handicapped man to be someone who was good for me. he also kept it fairly hidden for the first few months though, and kissed my ass and made me feel like i was the most important thing in the world before he threw in the towel and turned into MakeNoEffortMan. eh well.
I know it's totally wanky to say that to someone that you only know over the internet, but I genuinely feel it mama.
This is another time to damn the pitiful lack of teleportation technology. I would totally send you some food if i didn't think the food would get moldy, and you would get better, before it arrived.
I'm sorry the man you dug is a dillhole, I'm sorry your mom is just not stepping up for you, and your friend is LAMEASS (in this situation anyway). Big health vibes for you.
Tigerfish Mama
it's not wanky, it's awesome. thankyou. <3
Ugh, I'm sorry I have nothing more to offer you but get well very quick vibes and a huge virtual hug and cup of mommy tea {{HUGS}} So sorry you feel like shite and you don't have the support you need. This is truly when a Hip Mama commune would come in handy....
and i would KILL for a cup of mommy tea right now! love you, bleu, thanks for the hugs. <3
Hope u feel better soon. I had the swine flu (at least my doc was pretty sure it was) and was put on anti-virals last year- I was pretty much alone through it, except for my son whom I tried to ship off to friend's houses as much as possible- it was pretty scary. The important thing is to make taking care of yourself a priority, which I know can be hard to do. I've never ventured an opinion on the subject before on hipmama, but as far as "poor me" rants go- they really don't bother me in the slightest- actually, I find the honesty of people on this forum refreshing. If you had a shitty day/week/month/relationship/whatever, I (personally) don't mind if u post it. It certainly doesn't mean that you don't have a good outlook or that you aren't a positive person. Life can be rough, especially with low oxygen SATS. Best wishes for a speedy recovery...
hello beautiful - you're still YOU, don't forget it!
i love you to pieces. the ups - this illness will pass, i promise. you'll heal and make a full recovery.
second ups - you're boss is fucking gem! i mean it - money, sick leave? this is well earned by you and beyond deserved, i am grateful and happy that you have this!
third ups - a new man will show up soon, someone fit to your needs - keep your eyes peeled. my guess 6-8 weeks.
fourth ups - i'm sorry that things have fizzled with the guy, BUT, the positive is that you had some fun and great sex. the rest is now history.
hearts and don't forget that you're never alone, we love you and need you!
your friend in seattle who is days away from releasing "rescue" - CX
Do not feel bad for feeling bad, this is temporary stuff and all part of the process. Remove all these expectations you're having about what you should be doing, you're ill baby! You'll get through this with your daughter cause she sounds like a real caring, old soul and remember the way you treat yourself at this time will directly influence the way your daughter will treat herself at these tough times in the future. What would you want her to do? Fuck the housework, take it easy and give yourself TLC if noone else will. The guy sounds like a lucky escape! What a self-entitled ass! He does not deserve your hotself sick or well. How unfortunate for him, some people are just so dumb, they're to be pittied really, poor buggers!
Eat, sleep, drink water, stay warm, deep breath. With every in breath you're getting better and with every out this shit is leaving you!
Love meds
miss phoenix I hope you feel better soon! I am sending you healing vibes, strong healing vibes. I have found that for me thinking healthy thoughts does speed up the healing process! can't hurt to try, yes? and get thee some garlic ASAP, eat or drink something strong and garlicky, that will also speed things along. sorry about the dude, your mr. right will come along right on time. You made the right decision!
Love to you and your girl!
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i went to the store tonight after my mom dropped some money off to me and a)it was weird to be in public, and i kept coughing and leaning on the carriage and people were staring at me and b) i bought a bunch of crap. i know i should be eating healthy right now but for some reason i shopped like a 12 year old boy; when i got home i looked at what i had bought and totally lost my appetite. i mean, ellio's pizza? REALLY?! was i high?! i did get a bag of carrots and some tzatsiki dip at least, and that was yummy. and i WILL be eating the slice of cheesecake i got in about five minutes, instructions to avoid dairy be damned. seriously though, it's like a was in a walking coma when i was at the store. i don't need fucking ellio's pizza right now, i need NUTRIENTS. i blame the steroids for the temporary lack of good nutritional judgement.
maybe i do need a girlfriend; i certainly don't need a lame halfassed boyfriend, although right at this moment i'd let anyone lay down next to me and rub my back that offered. my two best friends live a couple hours away and i wish so much that they were closer because i know they'd both take good care of me. they wouldn't let me eat ellio's, that's for sure.
so what's up with our immune sytems lately, mama? it seems like we're always sick. i've been catching every bug that even looks at me, and it's frustrating as fuck, and i know you're in the same boat. as soon as i'm feeling better from Freaky Lung Disease Thing i want to get back on track with exercising regularly, because i definitely feel better overall when i'm active, and hopefully it'll give the old immune system a boost if i'm getting my blood flowing regularly.
and again, this mysterious pho...do tell!