Need help, vibes, advice...
I need help/advice & vibes galore. I took S. (my 7 year old) to the dentist yesterday because she complained of some tooth pain. We have been without dental insurance since their dad dropped them from his plan last year, and she had not had any complaints previously, so dental and medical "well" visits have been less of a priority for me than they maybe ought to be. Still, I figured if either of the girls had a cavity or infection, they would let me know they were in pain and I would do something about it. Wrong.
Surprise #1: The dentist found more than just a cavity or two. Apparently S. needs 3 or 4 extractions and spacers, not because the teeth are infected, but because the nerve is all the way gone. Seriously, this is the first time she has complained ever, and her mouth looks normal from the front. I feel terrible and of course the dentist looked at me like I was some kind of monster which only weakened my resolve as I try to figure out how to pay for and schedule all of this and how to not traumatize my child. But I scheduled a followup and am trying once again to get reapproved for medical/dental assistance.
Surprise #2: I got a call this afternoon from Boycorbid that a CPS worker left a brochure on my door with a number to call today. He suspects the dentist reported us to CPS, which makes sense I suppose. I have never had anything like this happen and the timing is pretty damned suspect. On top of the issues with S., my own teeth are terribly decayed because of my calcium deficiency issues, so maybe the dentist thought I was some kind of addict or something and ignore my child's cries of pain. He kind of looked at me like I was scum of the earth. I could be reading something into that though. Lots of doctors and dentists are emotionless and it doesn't mean anything personal.
My kids are clean, dressed decently, have no injuries or glaring medical problems, I do not spank them, they are properly fed, I do not do drugs or stay out to all hours of the night or anything like that. The house is not spotless, but it is decently sanitary and liveable. But there is no doubt that I suck at making appointments for routine checkups. Is that enough to justify this? Is this as bad as I think? Or maybe will it help me get approved for services and not a bad thing?
I am really disturbed and worried and sick about this all.
I also feel pretty bad about not finding out about her teeth till they were this bad. It's fucked up that my kid is that stoic in the first place. She was proud and kind of smiled when the dentist expressed disbelief that she had never felt any pain in her teeth before. Like it was great for her to be so brave, not like it was bad to suffer in silence.
Now I'm also terrified of taking the kids to doctor and dentist visits or trying to get on AHCCS. This stuff goes on your record, right? That there was a CPS complaint, even if it ends up being dismissed when they see my kids are okay? Isn't this like a first strike or something?
Anybody been through this? Know the process? I just get voicemail when I try to call the phone number. I don't know if I should keep calling or if that makes me look like I am guilty of some sort of neglectful parent crime that needs looking into or something.
Tomorrow's my birthday. I do not think I will be celebrating anything if I don't get figure out what is going on.
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere" (Elvis Costello)
Bad manners and varying breath:Exponential Detritus For Feeble Minds...
- corbid's blog
- Login or register to post comments
what a scary thing to have happen to you, you must feel so paranoid right now. it's really fucked up that someone can do this to a family, with impunity, the way we are encouraged to spy on our neighbors and report shit that we think might be abuse or neglect. in NJ it's crime NOT to make the call.
i would tend to doubt that a call from a dentist would have resulted in such quick action. here is a possibility that you may not have thought of: it's about another kid, one that your kids know and maybe they're gathering information from friends to see if someone saw anything. maybe there's some program for kids in need that the worker is trying to enroll you in.
i would try to just chill and wait to hear from CPS before flipping out. that was stupid to say wasn't it? sorry.
in which to report a parent that they suspect of abuse or neglect. Most do it same day.
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
doesn't result in instant action.
They were on my porch the same day. My therapist reported me for neglect and suspected abuse because I said I gave my daughter nutritional supplements mixed into a milkshake to combat her ADHD. That's all it took.
this is when we see what kind of ppl SHOULD NOT have the right to "report" child neglect/abuse. How is supplementing a kids diet considered abuse/neglect and how on EARTH could CPS take that shit seriously?
Second...decay happens. I went to the dentist every six months from the time I was three years old until our insurance disappeared in 2003. Every tooth I have is capped, filled, or in some other way, repaired. My kids, who have not had the luxury of regular visits, have not a cavity between them. It depends totally on the teeth you get.
You might want to take your child to another dentist before you go with this guy's recommendations. Someone else may have a less drastic approach. At best, another dentist may have the same recommendations, but not the disapproval. It's never a good idea to let someone who holds you in contempt provide any kind of services to you.
Third, Child Protective Services are NOT there to protect children...they are the scum of the Earth in my book. I've been down that road...you can email me privately if you would like some tips on dealing with them. Count that busy signal as a blessing, though, and do not contact them until you have more information. Here is a good place to start:
http://fightcps.com/2010/04/09/what-to-do-if-child-protective-services-s...
I had to keep myself from crying when I heard that my 4 year old had cavities this past year- it was such a shock to me- I'm pretty damn diligent about his teeth- the hygienist asked him "How many times a day does mommy give you soda?" and I piped up that he DOES NOT GET SODA, ever- I really advocated for myself and they seemed to change their tune- clearly, I felt awful about it. Then they said, well- bacteria happens- different kids have different teeth- they asked me if I had had cavities (Yes) and told me that he could A) have my teeth or B) have picked up the bacteria that causes decay somewhere or C) both. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. If it makes you feel any better, at least you have nothing to hide- you feel guilt about your daughter's teeth, you care- you took her when she told you she was having pain. It all sucks. I'm sending you lots of vibes. You know you are a good mom- don't let the guilt about teeth overwhelm you.
Update- just read the link from Glam- I really don't know about CPS- it seems like a good idea to stay calm and know your rights though- I'm so sorry- I know how awful I felt in the dentist's office. I even had insurance- his first x-rays results were a complete shock to all of us. It was scary how they went from being friendly to me to pretty insulting (as far as my intelligence level goes) and back to friendly after I went through all I had done to take care of his teeth, his diet, etc. etc. and was visibly concerned and distressed about my kid. I'm glad they changed their tune. Wish I knew how to help. Stay confident in yourself.
I can identify with this issue a lot, not from a teeth standpoint, but the whole waking up to an issue that has been affecting my kid way down the line and feeling guilty and ashamed. from where I'm standing you have nothing to feel bad about, you have been doing tooth care, keeping an eye on sweets and taking her to a dentist. You did not know that her teeth were going to be a particular vulnerability for her, now you do and that is great news because you are going to be able to help her deal with it AND you found this out before her permanent teeth came in, that really is great.
I'm not a dentist but I have done some research on this issue cause a memeber of my family has a developmental delay and struggles with dental hygeine and this is the regime that has worked for me and mine and really helped all of our teeth;
- get a sonicare tooth brush, these are expensive BUT an unlimited amount of people can use them because they have replaceable heads and they are fabulous although way over priced.
- don't use any gunky wierd kids toohpaste, I like arm and hammer but the best possible thing for active infection and gum disease is clean water as hot as you can stand with some salt dissolved in it, this is fabulous for gum disease and halitosis and cheap as anything.
- avoid sweets, frosting and fruit juice and too much citrus fruit. Drinking straws are really good for keeping staining and corrosive fluids off your teeth.
I have had contact with social services before in another context and it must have been scary to find that leaflet. I am sure that it will be ok and you may even find some of their services beneficial. I can totally understand you feeling bad about this now but it is so important that you discovered this weakness and locus of infection BEFORE her permanent teeth came in.
keep us posted
love meds
I had a craptastic dentist who accused me of leaving the bottle in T-Dizzle's mouth when she was a baby (she had to get those silver caps on her teeth). I was breastfeeding. He refused to back down. My ex has very soft enamel--when I told the dentist this, he refused to back down. He was intent on making me the "bad mother". I went to a different dentist after that.
Why not confront the dentist? Tell him you are not amused that he did this to you, and that you are shopping for other dentists. Tell him you are going to write his ass up on Yelp and the local parenting e-mail group.
CPS--they are not interested in breaking up families. They have a full range of options. If they even get to the point of talking to you, I'm pretty sure they will see that you're a great mom, and that the fucking dentist over-reacted.
And again, get a new dentist.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Vibes! And, my older son had SEVEN cavities and a root canal, all based on one visit to the pediatric dentist. He had been before, with no decay. It is just as much genetics as anything else.
I don't know if it was the dentist who reported you, but just know you're not alone and not an awful mom.
Sunflower the unflower
i mean it, in spite of these temporary challenges - i say: enjoy your day as much as you can, try to empty your mind a bit today. this is a lot to take in.
first off: i'm sorry that dentist made you feel bad - this couldn't possibly be the first situation like this he's seen = and what is the situation?: a young child needs dental care. this happens in his office, everyday.
i know you feel guilty, but please consider that it's not going to help you in the long run, or get her the insurance/help she needs to get her teeth fixed. whats done is done, and the positive is that you know what the problem is and how you can help her.
i haven't dealt with cps personally, but i've known several friends who have and most questions got answered and they were left along - i have rarely come across someone who had actual charges against them.
question:
is cps leaving the flier the same thing as filing a complaint? i'm not sure - if you feel better about it, i would stop calling the number and let it go, let them contact you a second time if there is no actual "complaint". when i think of flier i think of an advertisement, pamphlet, etc. maybe i'm wrong here, but if you've called once or twice between m-f regular working hours 9-5, what more can you do? i agree with madame, i suspect it is not related to the dentist, i think these two situation are just bad timing or coincidence.
i would still apply for the medical/dental - couldn't her condition be consider urgent enough to warrant expedited care? wouldn't they take it into consideration, vs. using it against you? this is an urgent situation and they will need to act on it.
i agree with you - i feel bad that your daughter was stoic about it, is it possible that she didn't want to mention it hurting prior to the visit? maybe she has a high tolerance for pain?
not that it particularly matters, and what i mean is, the only focus now can be how she can get help to heal, quickly, in spite of the amount of time she's needed dental care, etc.
hold it down, make the calls, fill out the forms and get the help you need and most importantly - believe in yourself - mars and i went an entire year without dental insurance and i had to literally pay cash money to get her teeth hooked up - i'm still paying the $800 bill, it wasn't easy, but it was my only alternative. i even went into her dentist under the guise that we still had insurance, just to get her in!
i bought time and last month hooked up an excellent dental plan for us. it was cheaper than most and the care is fast. thorough and excellent. they are higher end, and yet they help a variety of people, real folks like my family!
i also have the personal opinion that ghetto care can sometimes be the far more "judgmental" service, vs. the uppity fancy care. i have always sought out fancy dentist offices for that very reason. i was always treated better at high end facilities, etc. maybe i'm just a dentist nut!
mars has one cavity that is ironically one of the $800 molar deals, that partially popped out and two new cavities in the front of her mouth.
what can be done but paying to get them fixed? she brushes twice a day and flosses, the total cost will be split with her dad, and will cost me $150 up front.
keep going and keep us posted on whats going on, everyone here loves you!
period!
hearts - CX
IF the situation is related to your daughter's teeth then the issue is that you were POOR and could not afford care, NOT that you are a bad mother who should be blamed when she is down. This is so sickening. It is possible as others have mentioned that the CPS thing has nothing to do with any "report" or accusation.
Sometimes drs or teachers report that a family needs help, not
only because they feel there is "wrongdoing." Maybe it's the latter. But how lousy then for him not to have taken you aside w/ compassion and said, "Wow, how can i help you find services so you don't have to neglect your or your kids medical needs" IN THE RICHES COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Ack. Don't even get me started. You are a caring a conscientious mother- when was being broke and unable to get medical attention a "crime." Whatever happens, just explain you could not afford help, did not know how to get it. That you want help to fix her teeth. That's ALL. And if it is this dentist, he is a weezil and indirect. I am a child therapist and have had to make a couple of reports over the years when kids told me dad hits me w/ a belt or slams me into walls or I saw bruises on their backs, etc. I MET W/ PARENTS and said, "This is what I had to do. This is what the report says. This is the kind of help you can get. You are not a bad person, but you need some help." CPS is a very beaurocratic mixed bag. The idea of aservice to protect children who are
innocent and have no power is a good idea. But in practice it's a very ineffective agency. I would say to talk to a counselor/LCSW or clinic about how to get help on dental etc. DO NOT be shamed into silence. You and your kids DESERVE GOOD CARE.
xo
Sorry I am the typo queen. I meant maybe it was the FORMER, that
a "report" was not made, but dentist asked CPS to go out and help you figure out some medical help/referrals. That DOES happen, it is not just a service for reporting wrongdoing against children, it can act like a social service advocacy (in theory) for children. Hang in there. You did nothing wrong. It's a crime against YOU that you could not depend on decent medical care for your child, a shameful crime on the part of our government.
How is it going?
not to be a broken record, but maybe they're contacting you about the neighbor's case. maybe it's going to court and tehy're getting witnesses' accounts of how those kids are cared for.
i'm sure you just called near the end of their friday and monday morning you will know what's happening.
good luck.
Contacting you about the neighbors vs. the trip to the dentist. Well, here's hoping!
Hey Corbid! Long time no see (on my end at least! Nice to see you again)! I can totally relate to the "i had no idea, holy crap I'm a terrible parent" feelings. I don't know a good parent who hasn't felt that way. the fact that you are paying attention to this is more than most ppl do. that will be noticed if in fact CPS is trying to contact you about YOUR kids. the more you ask for help, the more you show how much you are trying the more they will back down. but don't do it out of guilt. drop the guilt. You've done NOTHING wrong. You did your best. Shit happened. The Dentist is a tool (if you don't have insurance and are paying out of pocket why not choose a doc that is not an ass. You can! No need to pay someone to treat you like crap)!
Remember you are an awesome mama and they have nothing on you. I know it's harder when you are poor but you can advocate for yourself and use this as others have mentioned, to get an help for things like insurance and health care for your family.
For example if they ask "did you refuse to get treatment for your child's dental problems"? You could say "No, i could not afford routine checkups and took her in as soon as she said she was experiencing any discomfort. Now that you mention it, perhaps you know some agencies that might help me find insurance for my kid as it's obvious that she'll need more care in the coming months"....They will help you and probably leave you alone. They have better things to do with their time than make trouble for people who are actually taking care of their kids. Let them know you aren't who they are after and they'll more than likely drop it.
Good luck and glad to see you again!
lm
decay happens. It really does. I had a root canal and a crown recently. I had no idea how bad they were until a massive filling fell out of my tooth. And that was happening my own mouth
We have not been so good at going to the dentist either, or the doctor. Sometimes that extra expense really is just too much.
*big hugs* Can you ask around for a better dentist? I would not want that judgey person anywhere near my kid, whether they called CPS (which is BS) or not. There are good dentists out there. I was a major dentaphobe because I grew up with a really mean, judgmental dentist. I found a good place now and I almost enjoy going (still they have to drug me) They have never passed any judgment on the condition of our mouths.
did you talk to them? do you know what's happening yet? how are you guys holding up?
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
Thanks for asking...never got a call back from the CPS worker, so still in limbo as to what happens next. The girls are fine. I am a wreck, but there's not a lot I can do till someone contacts me and/or Monday morning rolls around. Most craptacular birthday ever, though.
S. found the brochure, so I had to explain to the girls that someone may be asking them questions and that they would just be checking to make sure they are okay and being loved and taken care of and that they are safe. They recently saw the neighbor kids taken into custody by CPS and the police because their mother left them alone overnight. I explained that that was a situation where the kids were not safe and that those kids went to safely to their grandparents (I am pretty sure) and that hopefully they will see that we are safe and healthy and happy.