Is our educational system akin to being a Race to Nowhere? Discuss!
And yes I'm insomniacal.
I got excellent grades as a child & I attended a great school with lots of funding. I did 6 sports a year, writer's forum, student council, was in school plays, got perfect scores of the CAT test in 5th grade, sang in chorus, played the viola for 6 years, took AP classes, led weekend retreats for youth, went to church camp, went to nature camp, went to soccer camp, went to basketball camp, was in the strings training orchestra, represented my church with other youth at national conferences, was an altar girl, my school team won our State's Odyssey of the Mind and went to Washington in 8th grade. Was in the High Honor Society.
I was having panic attacks by 3rd grade and having to go to relaxation meetings with guidance counselors. As soon as I had done my allotted hours of homework I would run off into the woods and stay there until dark. Although my family was always worried about money and hadn't managed to save any for me for college, I was told that I wouldn't have to worry about it, that I would get scholarships, that I would get into great schools, that I could get into the nearby Ivy League college.
By 14 I was dating a bad boy I had met in theater class- he went on to be the lead singer in a band and used me as a cover for his shadier undertakings without me really knowing. By 15 I was leading a secret life as bad-boy girlfriend and having sex about 3 times a day with this guy. Didn't see the signs that he would become abusive because I had no basis for comparison. Still kept my grades up. Worked at a coffee shop after school, saved up money, bought a car. Was still a good girl, but people no longer made fun of me for getting good grades.
By 17 my familial relationships had all but dissolved (not because of the boyfriend, mind you- or school- other, personal familial issues), I was exhausted, and I had no desire to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. I finished high school basically living out of my car and in an apt. with some guys who in local bands. Graduated with honors, missed graduation. By 18 I was supporting myself and my LAIDBACK, new, kinder and gentler (but alcoholic) boyfriend for the next year working full-time for little more than minimum wage.
Now, at 30, I wonder if perhaps if things would have been quite so extreme for me had I felt as though I could have a little more breathing room, a little more freedom, and a little bit more of a chance to "fuck-up". It was such a relief to be "cashier-girl." To live the simple life- it was also really fucking depressing. I still deal with my sense of having failed somehow- it hinders me in my life almost daily.
So, uh, now that I'm off of the soapbox....anyone else want a turn? This isn't a competition- I'm not trying to be like "I was all that and LOOK at me now..." truly, I HATE COMPETING. I'm trying to highlight the way that pressure to succeed really helped to send me in the other direction. For anyone who has read Women Who Run With the Wolves- my wildish nature was being squashed the fuck out- simultaneously ignited & squashed by high school boyfriend, and basically squashed by society, community, family, etc. The myth of the "good girl", lol......
Thoughts? Besides the fact that I just wrote an assload of stuff there and went on about myself a lot, and spilled some personal shit?
I still feel like I'm some kind of failure for letting stress get to me. I was supposed to be a high functioning being, I was supposed to use my talents, I was supposed to make the world a better place, and now I hear it's not too late it's not too late its not too late and I think wait- do I really want all that??? A great comeback? HA! To WHAT?!? Or maybe I just want to be accepted for who I am, ME, Birdie????? For once- without grades, without expectations, without credentials. Me all puffy and covered in hives for days like I was once in the hospital, unrecognizable. Me all sad instead of perky or cheerful. Me imperfect and unreasonable or too verbose or being too dreamy. Just ME, at any given moment, past or future aside. Me WITH TYPOS. When the fuck is THAT going to happen???
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I can relate a lot to your story. I was very much the achiever as a child and this was all in the setting of an intensely dysfunctional home life dominated by serious, bat shit crazy, ICU headed alcoholism. I was unable to keep up the pace post 16, I basically didn't have a place to live and was so traumatised I dropped out, moved in with a boyfriend, was a cashier. I was very angry, I had no self esteem, I didn’t know that I could parlay intelligence into opportunity, I was sad and traumatised, I was sick and tired of my fucked up family appropriating my success as proof that things "weren't that bad" BUT I gotta admit I was also lazy, a coward, a hedonist, looking in life for an easier softer way, arrogant. It suited me to give up. Hey, I was 16!
Eventually I had some of my own problems that changed my perspective allowed me to forgive and forget and see my own behaviour realistically and forgive myself. I started work in a home for elderly people and I loved it so much, it was a literally, crappy, minimum wage, physically exhausting, mind numbing thankless job and I went to Nurse school and did A levels at night school (whilst working part time and raising a kid). It was SO sweet to get back to my roots, to think. I realised what an immense privilege and precious gift the ability and opportunity to think is. I didn't get puffed up and arrogant about my ability to ace tests, I knew that I had been given a gift for free, a little offering from the great creative intelligence that underlies the whole universe and I had been given it to enjoy, to share and to literally make the world a better place (in my own tiny way) with.
Since then I got into med school and I have had such a fantastic time, I have excelled academically and won a bunch of prizes but I never feel under pressure or stressed cause I know it’s actually not ME doing it. I never did anything to get clever it was something that I was born with like some people are beautiful or tall or whatever. My relationship with achievement has changed. When I use my brain it’s as natural and as lovely as a horse running or a shooting star. There is no longer a judging panel, no longer anyone to please just me and a problem to solve whilst the universe looks on smiling.
Thanks for your thought provoking post
Love meds
this is beautiful! you are so inspiring, both in what you do and your outlook on life 
From preschool I had it hammered into me to work hard in school and get good grades and go to a good college! In high school it ratcheted to a near-hysterical pitch. I was pretty much a straight A student and my parents were super strict. I remember never having any downtime and being pushed to try harder at the things I hated, namely sports and math. The messages that were drummed into my head were: Don't gravitate toward the things you like, work hard at the things you hate, because you need to be well rounded! and It doesn't matter whether or not you are happy, as long as you are achieving.
So. I graduated from college. I was an average student in college because, as soon as I left home, I started drinking and getting stoned pretty much every day. I had good study habits, though, and for that I'm grateful. After I graduated I moved 3,000 miles away, started living with a cokehead and got a job at a mall. It was the most fun I had ever had in my life.
I had an epiphany about 10 years ago. I'd been working at a series of corporate jobs that made me totally fucking miserable. The money was good but that was it. I realized that life is too short to push myself so hard at the things I hate. What was I going to gain? A pat on the head? A gold star? Yay! I am good at business, but getting up every morning is physically painful. The need for approval wasn't worth my life.
The other thing I learned was that being happy IS important. It's the most important thing I can do for myself, it's important to teach my kids, and it's something I have to work on every day. It took me eight years of planning and going to school nights and weekends, but I brought about a total career change and started my own business. It's not great money but it's enough to support my family and keep me working at home with my kids. I don't love it every single day, but it's a lot closer to who I am and what I like to do.
For me, the decision to let go of approval was huge. I think that's one of the negative messages that kids absorb when they're pushed so hard - that approval from authority figures is worth more than personal fulfillment. Most kids want to do the right thing, and be liked and praised for it. The tricky thing is figuring out what the right thing is for themselves.
Even the viola. Why did you play viola? I switched from violin because I was told that there were more viola scholarships! Problem was, when I got into college on viola and academic scholarships, the one thing that I lacked was any support network. I mean, after all that hard work in school, and music, and church (talk about doing something you hate) and all those fucking clubs, when I finally got into college--my family set me adrift. Like, buh-bye, you're 18, we don't have to do anything at all for you anymore. Even when I got assaulted and my right elbow (bow arm) was broken. Hollow promises. More fucking flaming hoops to jump through.
Here I am at 41 and I still feel like an utter fucking failure. Have I pushed my own kids into the same space? Too much, too soon? When do I fucking get a chance to PLAY???? I still feel like I have "transcript-itis". You know that disease? When you do shit just because it will look good on your transcript? I still feel like I have to pull out an amazing resume for people to like me. To value me. And it slips further and further away because, as I get older, and I still don't have a degree, and I still have fucked up teeth and I still fucking clean houses for a living, I am a failure. I haven't changed anything. I haven't done anything.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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"My relationship with achievement has changed. When I use my brain it’s as natural and as lovely as a horse running or a shooting star. There is no longer a judging panel, no longer anyone to please just me and a problem to solve whilst the universe looks on smiling."
I might have felt praised, but judgment was never not attached to that. I love learning, truly. I felt like I was going to get an ulcer by 5th grade. I was petrified of fucking up- then when I did, and in a big way I suppose by blowing off my so-called "future" I got to see what it was like from the other side of the coin. It's given me a unique perspective as to who really cares in this world and who doesn't, but now I'm tired. I want to be a kid who just gets to sleep in during the summer instead of waking up at dawn to go jump in a cold pool for swim team.
Maybe someday I can look at myself closer to the way that you look at yourself. After being cashier girl I was a nursing assistant headed to get my RN for 3 years, then worked for the laboratory. It changed my perspective for sure, but more in the sense that I wanted to help change the way the healthcare system works.
I think I just want love.
And to relax.
The school system didn't help. Teachers back in middle school were telling us that if we didn't do our homework we wouldn't go to a good college and we would end up working as, you guessed it- cashiers. Now I'm my own worst enemy. And I doubt my abilities. I'm not trying to blame the educational system for my failures- I feel really bad for the pressure put on children these days, after looking back at my own experiences. What happened to just "being" a kid? I don't want my son to have hours of homework! I recognize that my homework (except for practicing math and writing my thoughts) really didn't teach me jack shit- I absorbed almost everything while sitting in class and taking notes.
I started the blog off last night to be more about the educational system than myself, then got a little carried away- I actually got my period while typing this last night, lol...