I need some quick advice.
I just want to be a better mom than my mom was. Actually, by not leaving my children when the oldest was two years old I have achieved that task. But, still...
My son has always preferred his dad over me. I mean, he loves me, that's obvious. But if given the choice between hanging out with mom or hanging out with dad, he chooses his dad. This hurts my feelings, because I think I'm pretty awesome, and we always seem to have a good time. But it's getting worse now that he's older. It also seems to be getting worse now that his dad is getting married. I feel this strange competition now between the new stepmom and myself. I know it's absurd.
So, it's career day at my son's school. I teach GED, and I'm really proud of what I do. I don't brag about my job a lot, so I though this would be a great time for me to do that. I also want to do anything I can to be involved in what's going on at his school. But when I picked him up yesterday, he had written a note to his dad (a shoe salesman) asking HIM to come and speak at career day. 
( Not me... Dad.
So I told my son I was planning on doing that and asked him why he didn't invite me to speak. He said that I didn't have a job. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD A JOB!!! I also work as a sub at his school, and he said I'm "only" a sub and he didn't think that was a job. That hurts my feelings also.
When I discussed this with his dad, his dad talked to him. He just called me this morning and told me that our son said he wanted his dad to speak because his friends already know what I do. This also hurts my feelings.
I really want to speak at career day. My feelings are also always getting hurt by this kid and I'm seriously sick of it. He's a really, really great kid! But he is so tactless with his comments!!
My questions are these: Should I just go ahead and do career day regardless of what my son says? I think both his dad and I can do it. Secondly, how do I teach my son some tact, and how do I get him to understand that you have to think before you say things out loud! Also, what am I doing wrong that my kid doesn't like me? I'm tired of the mom/dad/stepmom competition. I know, I know. He's a kid, he doesn't HAVE to like me, et cetera, et cetera. But the point is, it's important to me that my son and I have a good relationship. I think we had that at one point, but it's gone now and I don't know how to get it back.
Is anyone online right now that has any kind of insight or experience with their 8 year olds in this?
"Overcome the angry by non-anger; overcome the wicked by goodness; overcome the miser by generosity; overcome the liar by truth." -Buddha
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He lives with you, right? That automatically puts dad in the lucky position of being the Special Parent, the one he doesn't get to hang out with AS MUCH as the parent he lives with. It TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS, honestly, because you do all the work, and FAX gets to just have fun.
In addition to that, he's a boy, so he's got that gender self-identification thing going on. So I'd say his relationship with dad does NOT really reflect the quality of your parenting or your relationship with him. My daughter always wants to go see Dad, too--and she's only met him once, 'cause the fuckwad won't drive five hours to see her.
I'd sit down and have a conversation with him about how you feel, because how you feel IS something that he needs to be aware of. He's hurting your feelings.
Regarding whether to do career day...I say do it, because maybe he'll realize the value of your job. Especially if you AND dad can do it.
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
Should I just go ahead and do career day regardless of what my son says?
NO!! 8 year olds embarrass so easily, he's made it clear he does not want you there so speaking against his wishes would really hurt him. i don't think he was totally forthcoming with you or his dad as to the reason why he doesn't want you there (kids this age often have a problem with their parents in their school domain), but that's alright he doesn't have to be. maybe when he's 20 he'll tell you. i mean, he obviously knew all along you worked. he was trying to think of something to justify having you not be there, and probably trying not to hurt your feelings in the process.
how do I teach my son some tact, and how do I get him to understand that you have to think before you say things out loud!
i had this with mine and i had to really stop her at the moment it was happening and seriously explain why certain things are tactless, because she didn't know. i had to call her on it right in the moment. i still have to do this sometimes. like when she was embarrassed of me in a restaurant for how i ordered. i was too nice to the server. i had to explain that when someone embarrasses you by doing things they can't help or are just part of their personality, it's rude to tell them. it's like telling them they have to change to be acceptable to you, so when someone embarrasses you, you have to suck it up or leave, but talking about it is wrong. when i wait until later to bring it up, she honestly doesn't know what i mean, and it sounds like i'm finding shit to be critical about. i have to snag the moment when it occurs.
Also, what am I doing wrong that my kid doesn't like me?
do you really want to know? i don't think i would want to know. it's probably something you have no control over. it's also probably something he will get over sooner or later. i would be willing to bet that he feels pressured for his affections right now, not that anyone involved intends to do this, but you know kids can absorb the stresses of their parents.
good luck.
Since I also sub at his school, and sometimes in his classroom, I wonder if he just wants to introduce his dad now. His friends know me, but they don't know his dad. He's already shown me off, but not his dad. You think?
I'm leaving now to pick him up. I'll ask him one more time if he wants us both to do it. If not, I won't push it. You're right. School is his place, not mine, and it wouldn't be right for me to intrude like that without permission.
As far as teaching him tact, I think how you do it sounds perfect. I'll try that and see what happens.
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We have joint physical custody. He WAS with me for a solid week, then his dad for a solid week, but still with me everyday because I picked him up from school everyday and hung out at my house for two hours. NOW I have to work three evenings a week. So it's dad for the first half, me for the second half, and I can't pick him up from school everyday anymore because I work. So now I feel less like he lives with me and visits his dad and more like he visits me and lives with his dad. But this can't change if I want to keep my job, which I do.
The gender thing: totally makes sense. It's hard for me to grasp that because I always had just my dad. Also, I always knew I was a girl, but I never had that need to be girlie. Marc's need to be boyish is something I can connect with, because I'm boyish. I like legos and bionicles, karate, dragons, Star Wars... but I'm also a girl. I guess it doesn't matter how much we have in common, because he'll always try to copy the boy parent? This really sucks, because you all know how I feel about gender identity.