i really, truly have been right where you are. and now i am right where i want to be. so there is hope. you will get the right position, the stars will align.
those two years in the states for us were really illuminating. we found out we really didn't have anything we wanted to do there. all that guilt we felt for living overseas with the only grandkids evaporated within a week or so upon arrival. everyone there just did their regular daily routines and we were floating, homesick and full of memories that no one else besides for other returnees wanted to hear. i would go to job interviews and find myself unable to answer those "where do you see yourself" questions because the truth was so blindingly apparent: i wanted to be in japan.
eventually, my teaching job was cut due to lack of students in the program that semester and we were forced to move in with my folks. i was working at a starbucks drive-thru and feeling horrible everyday. i spent all my spare moments job hunting and all my secret spare moments looking for jobs in japan. i eventually went in for an interview for a social work job (my original field) and managed to ace the interview. yet all the time, i was thinking about an ad i saw for a preschool teaching job on a little island in japan. i had only been applying to places in the city where we had lived before and the surrounding region. this job was far away from there. yet by this point, japan had become the goal. i applied and within a couple of months we landed here. and next week we are moving closer to where we want to be.
so it is not how we expected to return but for us it is better to be within the country of our choice.
perhaps one day we will be ready to return to america but something tells me that by the time we all learn japanese and understand the culture/society more, we won't need to go anywhere. i am investing a lot into building my teaching career here, not in america. and there is the added fact that japan inspires me. i believe i can become who i want to be here, but i have never had that feeling in america.

to sum up, you will be able to go back home. it might not be the route you would have designed, but sometimes the unexpected is better than the imagined.

take care, e.m.. you're probably closer than you think. and until then, enjoy what you can of where you are at.

I remember how adrift when I went to visit the states after living in spain for 2 years. Since I didn't entirely fit in Valencia and wasn't really happy there I had all these nostalgic ideas about Iowa, but while i was there i didn't feel at home at all. I spent more than half my time there drunk. At night i had nightmares about not being able to get back to europe. I still sometimes have nightmares about being stuck in the US.
So you are sort of living my nightmare- except you're not stuck.
I'm glad things are a little better. Hugs and massive vibes for getting back to germany asap and in good shape.

its so strange to feel like you are ready to leave a foreign culture, that you are sure isn't quite your own, only to find that your REAL "own culture" isn't quite as you'd remembered it. When I moved back from france I was so amazed at the amount culture shock I experienced... and I know if/when we leave Austria/Europe we will go through the same thing. I mean its also hard living in a new country but europe really does have its act together in so many ways that that the U.S. really does not.

Just curious, what brought you to Germany in the first place? and also what made you feel like you had to leave and come back to the U.S.? I've been thinking about this stuff as lot as we are in a similar position... and at some point my dh will be done with this job and we will have to think about where exactly he should apply for jobs. family? or quality of life? or being able to speak english? will we have friends here? and many more things to consider....its really complicated, I know.

anyhow, I'm sending you lots and LOTS of house selling, job finding, moving back to germany, vibes