What Kind of Life Do You Want to Have? and other questions

I answered the questions in my head as I read them, then but hesitated to post the answers because, well, I haven't quite mastered that positive thing just yet.

1. I seem to have forgotten how to want. Really. The life I thought I wanted didn't happen, no matter how hard I worked to make it happen. I did everything from hiring personal trainers to casting spells, and well, some stuff just doesn't happen. To quote Captain Picard, "It is possible to make no mistakes and still not win". The things I wanted required being young, and being connected to kindred spirits. It also required a supply of money or at least a supply of some kind of currency (barter, communal living, what have you) that would provide for the shleppy stuff required to create said life. Moreover, I wonder if the life I wanted ever was possible, or if it was one of those unattainable fantasies like the one Scarlett had about Ashley. That said, I'm kind of at a loss for what I might want now that the life I wanted is no longer possible and I'm headed down Crone Lane.

2. What I am doing to create the life I want...well, I don't exactly have a want list right now, but I suppose that I am working on my don't-want list. I am trying to make a plan that keeps me away from mean people...I've actually started saying to people who are toxic "You are toxic and I'm not giving you any more of my life." I am also working at extricating myself from debt and learning to live without incurring more debt. It's scary, and I chafe sometimes at not being able to have new shoes or a bigger place to live, but I know that living under the burden of debt is far worse, so I grit my teeth and choose the path that will take me to the debt-free room. Maybe that's not a want, but it's something, and I'm working at it. That is not exactly what I WANT to be doing, but it is far better than what I was doing.

3. Control what I eat/drink/say...definite yes to being able to control what I eat/drink/say. I do control those things...but it isn't much fun. However, the results of controlling what I eat/drink/say far outweighs the whopping messes made when I don't. Control what I do...well, that's a little harder, but it can be done at least %80 of the time. Control what I feel? NO. I can control how much I show of what I feel, but I can't decide how I will feel. Maybe some can, and I applaud those people. When I try to pretend to be happy or grateful about something about which I am neither happy nor grateful, I feel a geyser of exasperation and a sense of dishonesty that is positively soul-destroying. Can't control my feelings. Can control what I do about them, and whether or not I allow those feelings to be expressed. That is as close as I get to controlling my feelings.

4. Choose happiness? No. Either my situation makes me happy, or it doesn't. I can choose whether or not I will ACT happy as a way of being polite to my fellow Earthlings, but I cannot choose whether or not I am happy. I have had circumstances that made me extremely happy. I have had circumstances that made me want to die with unhappiness. I can try to escape things that make me unhappy, but it feels dishonest and irritating to tell myself "I choose to be happy" when I know damned well it's just not in my control.

5. Is my happiness a priority? If my own happiness was the priority, I would have YEARS AGO run away from home and responsibility, and never looked back.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE DO YOU WANT?
I want a life were my insides and my outsides match perfectly and I just act as my heart informs me too with no self-consciousness or fear or awkwardness. I want to be a surgeon and answer secret questions that peoples bodies ask me and no one else, I want to heal people and feel their flesh knit beneath my hand. I want my child to be happy and healthy and always laugh when she thinks of our times together. I want to make her strong enough to be whole after I'm gone. I want to have a GOOD friend again, its been a while! I wanna find some intimacy with a nice, decent man.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO CREATE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU WANT?
I do stuff every day;
-I,m in school and doing all the extra stuff required to get a competitive specialty
- I really relish my time with my kid and have a visualisation of being the soil her roots are getting put down in. She is my number 1 priority and I do all the school work, extracurriculars, healthy food stuff. I love the fact that the food I give her now plus the bone mass shes building in dance are going to be keeping her spry in the retirement home in 80 years! She is a peach! WE have a LOT of fun together.
-I am TRYING to extend myself socially, its hard I,m a busy bee
-I am trying to get back in touch with my sexual, sensual self and to heal my physical body of past hurts. I put my body right out there whilst acting out in my teens and early 20s, I mean OUT there and I am reconnecting with it alone through movement, exercise and good food and rampant masturbation!
-I am on a spiritual path of self-honesty, dignity and not taking myself too seriously
DO YOU FEEL YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOU EAT etc
YES!!! I can but not the thinking/feeling part. I totally allow myself to think or feel anything fleetingly but if its not in keeping with what I'm about I just let it pass through and don't let it fester. I share uncomfortable stuff with someone to prevent it getting a grip. Anything that involves my actions I am totally responsible for without a doubt, even and especially the really shitty stuff!
CAN YOU Choose happiness?
Yes, yes, yes you can and you really must! I am free, not living in a oppressive regime, have access to food, water and sanitation, have love and good health in my life. Sometimes my puny spirit bucks up against its limitations and there is tension but I can always chose happiness and usually do.
IS your happy a priority too you?
Yes but as I am getting older I am getting a more refined idea of what my happiness means, I think it means people, I did NOT feel this way as a kid!
Thanks Mercury that was a nice exercise

What kind of life do you want to have?

the kind that allows the space in my life to reply to an awesome kick ass blog like this!

no doubt!!

the kind of life like goes like this: when i come home from a challenging days shoot, i can walk down the street first to get my hair done, network in the salon!, contemplate saturday's shoot, contemplate all the hugs that i gave out today, and the handful of kisses! change into a t-shirt and do the dishes, head out the door and finish up the scene 29 homework that is due tomorrow, blast the talking heads and eat a samosa, then hit the gym later tonight!

What are you doing to create the kind of life you want?

channel, release, choose to be present, rock the house, take ownership when necessary, FORGIVE, ask the universe for a lot of cool stuff! move forward and grow. mostly: heal and replace old patterns with new ones!

Do you feel you can control your own life?

hellz yes!

Do you feel you can control what you do/eat/think/feel/say?

hellz yes!

Can you choose happiness? Is your own happiness a priority with you?

ALWAYS. period!

thanks merc!

take care - christyX

I'm trying to knock rust off of my rarely used brain so please be patient. But this is a perfect blog for me to start the process.

What kind of life do you want to have? I want hot coffee in the morning. My needs are simple right now, and most days life is about survival. If I keep my expectations low, I can go to bed happy. But long term, I want to be of service. I want to be able to pass my gifts onto my children. I want to empower the people around me who feel that it's their lot to accept their crappy relationship, slum lord or bad mechanic. I want to accept my 2 yo as he is...all energy and angst. But mostly, I want to go to bed knowing I left a positive mark on the world that day.

What are you doing to create the kind of life you want? Right now I'm nursing and typing one-handed. Daily, I step out of my house and into the world where I have to stand up for my family. I try to do it with pride, it took a lot of work to get where we are. Yes, my husband delivers pizza...and I no longer and the but at the end to justify his job. I accept where we are, and set small goals to get where we want to be. I want to write again. I want to sew again...I finally started that mei-tei I've been talking about for months. I want thoughts and actions outside of my walls again...And then I rethink it as the baby unlatches and gives me her milk face

Do you feel you can control your own life? No. I have no assumptions that I do. If I did I would still be sitting in some bar drinking Mimosas...cause its Sunday...instead I am in pjs with my babes and while frazzled, I would never change it for the world.

Do you feel you can control what you do/eat/think/feel/say? YES YES YES...um yes. If I said what I wanted, I would not be a very nice person to anyone. I can jump to pissed faster than a mosquito. No, I'm not peaceful and zen or even mellow...but I can try to be less harsh and judgmental.

Can you choose happiness? Happiness is perspective. On the worst days I have to remind myself of my friend who is trying desperately to have a child. I am happy, content, not always.

Is your own happiness a priority with you? Yes, I don't believe in always delaying my needs for those of others. I am happy when I'm challenged in thought and love and life.

Oh I would love to say more but the 2 yr old is saying bye bye to all of his toys...that is my wake up call Thank you ladies