reflections from a week into mamahood
It's totally not contradictory to want to smother child in kisses at one moment and then the next moment- just want to smother them.
(Don't worry I'd never actually smother him.)
Breastfeeding and cosleeping are definately for me. Last night i fell asleep on one side while the baby was nursing. I woke up 5 hours later and baby was on a the other side with a milky face and a loaded diaper. I don't remember how we rolled over and latched on- I think i did it in my sleep. Does that scare me? Hell no! It thrills me! I got 5 hours of straight up sleep with a newborn. I feel like a new person today.
Cloth diapering a newborn without a clothes drier is kicking my ass. We go through about 15-20 dipes a day and I have to wash a load of diapers every freaking day in addition to all the little baby clothes and big people clothes that he manages to pee all over the moment we take his diaper off. If I wasn't totally committed to the IDEA and hadn't invested so much time making such lovely diapers i would say to hell with it, and I could never fault any other mama for deciding not to bother. For my stashes in other sizes i need to make them all as fast drying as possible. Tell me he'll poop and pee less often when he's bigger please!
There's nothing sexier than my baby daddy wearing our son in the mei tai that I made for him. 
Not that i imagine that we'll actually have sex for a while.
I do wish that baby daddy would just get over the fabergé (sp) egg syndrome allready tho- He still handles the baby like he's thinly blown glass. He wants me to help and supervise him in almost all his baby care to make sure that he's doing it right. I'm trying to be supportive and firm in insisting that he's doing great and that he needs to do something new everyday all by himself.
Sure do miss sewing time, and there's no lack of things that I ought to be making for my tigerfish. He's allready fattening up and he'll need a size up in diapers before we know what hit us! He allready grew out of the tiniest ones I made for him, and into the biggest ones. Good thing i made a range of newborn sizes just in case.
Tigerfish Mama
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And the first year, are very, VERY hard.
Tests of endurance. Moments of intense amazement and joy and feeling like you just can't possibly manage to function with such sleep-deprivation. And it's irritating (although understandable) when fathers want supervision and you can't have a break. Hang in there. Don't expect too much of yourself- just try to rest and eat, rest and eat. I never even tried cloth diapers because we shared a washer/dryer with 4 other families (ugh). If it's going to give you a moment of sanity, maybe just get some eco-friendly disposables for a week to give yourself a mini-break while you make bigger sizes- I really can't imagine how people do the cloth diaper thing religiously- it's wonderful- but I didn't sleep for more than 3hours at a time for that first month. Can your baby's dad take him for a walk, maybe? Sometimes it's best to get your body back for a moment. Breastfeeding was both wonderful and parasitic feeling for me. I think part of it is that your hormone levels are trying to re-adjust. Women go through a LOT.
Oh, and make the man do some laundry already! 
Fortunately, I already had that arrangement with the Wee Papa....
It hasn't been all that long since T was a newborn and I totally remember the way emotions could flop all over the place. "This is the best EVER!" and "Oh my god, I totally suck as a mother! WHY did I do this?!"
And yeah, dads and the fragile baby thing...they get over it, eventually. One thing I really focused on was not telling the Wee Papa how to do something or other, unless he asked. You know, not in a rude way as in ignoring him while he was with T but in a I'm not going to micro-manage how you do things kind of way. Which I think helped build his confidence. And even now, he'll do things differently from me and I'll be like, "oh! that way works really well, I think I'll try it" or whatever cos he's worked something new out that Thalia likes (for example, with positions for changing diapers...). Anyway, tigerfish papá will get there too!
Hope you get some sewing time soon... big love to all three of you!
Enjoy your Tigerfish-- what a growing boy already!
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
Hey there! Glad you're doing so well!
You can still have and be committed to your idea...we were too, both when Teen Parent and High Schooler were babies, and now with Teen Parent's baby, Rat Pup.
However...just for sanity and healing, we gave ourselves the luxury of disposables for the first six weeks. We KNEW we would return to the cloth diapers, and we did...but during that healing, learning, adjusting period, it was nice to say "ok, there are only 24 hours in a day and four hands here...I'd much rather spend time with the new family or taking a bath/nap than wrestle with diapers for now.", and have one less thing to worry about.
While the disposables were in use, I was able to make a LOT of fitted diapers in larger sizes, and also to see what little tricks I wanted to add to make life easier (added a strip of 1/8" elastic across the upper back and around the legs, about 1/4" inch away from the edge of the fabric...did wonders for the leak stoppage).
Remember, put on your own oxygen mask first...mama has to breathe in order to keep the others alive.
BTW, wool quilt batting makes a GLORIOUS inner lining for diapers. My pattern used a wide strip of wool batting sandwiched between cotton flannel, with velcro strips placed in exactly the same position as the disposables have it. You can also skip the velcro and just use diaper pins to hold them on. The wool soaked up a lot of liquid, and the flannel was easy on the kids' skin. Old shirts (bought at thrift stores and washed) were the source of flannel...cheap, eco frendly, and already broken in so very absorbent.
Old fashioned Gerber plastic pants worked soooo much better than the cool, modern 'diaper covers'. Those things leaked no matter what we did.
I hope I don't sound like the Public Service Announcement of diaper making! 
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
they are poopy little things, huh? who knew something so tiny could produce such...*voluminous* waste? good god. way to be with the cloth diaper thang - i did that for about 9 months (i think?) - we had a diaper service, though (lap of luxury) - kudos on doing alla that laundry on yer own. i agree with the other mamas, though - if disposables afford you a little space, time or sanity, go for it. otherwise, hell yeah cloth! sending you mad mama vibes.
shady
the smothering with kisses vs just plain smothering? welcome to mamaville.
i don't know. my head was up my ass for a year, solid.
you're a much better woman than i, in many ways. that's so cool you found a way to get 5 straight hours of sleep. enjoy it. it's great to hear you're doing well.
but before i thought it, i *almost* asked for pictures.
i'm so silly.
sounds like you guys are doing beautifully! master pros at sleeping and eating together. Papa will find his groove for sure!
and except for folks with diaper service, almost all the cloth diapering families I know (which are A LOT) take a few days/weeks with sposies so as not to get totally overwhelmed by the massive amounts of laundry!
anyhow, hugs hugs and more hugs to you and your family : )
xoxo
Lapis
ps. the poops will indeed lessen : )
Oh mama, give the man some time and enjoy the faberge egg syndrome while it lasts LOL!! soon enough he will be tossing motor baby into the air making the hairs on your neck stand up! though to squeals of delight from the baby
you are doing a fine job mama
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