I just broke up with an awesome man.

One year plus with an amazing man. Sweet, honest, gorgeous, hard-working, loving, sacrificing. Gorgeous. I have been so sick, and he has seen us through. My son is reading. READING. He is developmentally disabled, missing part of his brain, and he is READING. In part due to the man's unrelenting support. I was so terrified, so ashamed at the courageous path I have taken. I bucked the system, friends, family, mainstream medicine. It worked, it worked wonders, but it was one helluva riky bet. I honestly don't think I could have done it without his unrelenting support.

The gorgeous man in question was most terrified of having a child with special needs, and then he learned...to love. And my boy has thrived under his care.

This gorgeous man has been by my side, listened to me rant and rave, more times than I care to remember. He has been supportive, loving, a shoulder to cry on.

And I broke up with him. It was less something I wanted to do than something I felt compelled to do, had to do. He deserved better. He deserves a woman who is overjoyed to see him when he walks in the door, a woman who loves him unconditionally. I am, most unfortunately not that woman. I love him deeply, and somehow, this is not it, he is not the one.

With him, I feel compressed, fenced in, not myself. I feel like I hold my breath and try to reign myself in, to cut off the corners that don't fit. Cutting off those corners makes me feel claustrophobic, lonelier with him than without.

I wish that things were different, but they are not. I want my heart to follow my head, but that's not how it works.

I want my son to learn from my example, to marry for love, because he couldn't imagine a life without someone. Is that so wrong?

Oh god, how I wish that I could make it work. It would be sweet and simple, and loving...and I can't do it. It's just not there.

And this sweet, sweet man, is in so much pain from my decision. It didn't even feel like a decision, more like a we deserve better and I can't do this, like it was just something I had to do. I am so sorry for causing him so much pain. I just pray (and I ain't one to pray) that he finds a good woman who loves him and that he can become the father he is so meant to be. The mama just ain't going to be me.

I hope to god that I am not scarring my sweet son with my decision. Somehow it will all be okay.

I have work to do. And I need to do it alone right now. I need friends and work, and of course my boy. And at the end of the day, there's just not enough left to go around. I have been shorting myself, but I just can't do it anymore.