adult-ness, or doing things you don't want to
i know i am not the only one who struggles with it. i would really rather opt-out. how many pro/con lists i have written. okay, deep breath. let me start from the beginning.
i am in a grad program through a regular university that has this program online. it's a top program in its field and it's convenient and sure to open up job possibilities for me. i've already been in the field for a while and though it is never going to bring home the big bucks (teaching) it does provide stability and the benefit of letting me live legitimately in a foreign country with my kids. i like not having to worry about money too much and providing everyone in my little family with health insurance. i have gone the other way, the starving artist way, and it just makes me too anxious. teaching is alright because it is a human-based job so i enjoy that, i enjoy helping people. but i really hate my grad studies. they are so boring but demanding. it pains me. i fall asleep continuously over my reading. i have never done that before. i will be reading an article about something like verb tense (25 pages or so) and i will literally fall asleep, face flat against the paper, during the day. i have gotten reading glasses (because these pdf articles print out all blurry and small) and now i fall asleep with glasses on. coffee doesn't work, sugar doesn't work, exercise doesn't work. i know it is something i need to push through but i just really hate my homework. i hate it. absolutely and completely. and what does this say about my field, my profession? i probably hate it too. but i can't quit. i am almost half way through and the student loan officers are sharpening their knives (they know where my parents live). it's so irritating because if i were listening to myself as a friend, i would give advice that i can't follow. i am the bread-winner and this degree with give us a few more loaves every year. but this sullen little voice chants in my head, life is too short, life is too short. i could get hit by a bus, i could have a stroke, i could get struck down by lightning any second. and instead of spending my minutes on this planet like i want, i have to worry about health insurance and student loan debt. i have to read words that i hate and write about subjects that are of no interest to me. is there a choice?
okay, i am glad to get that off my chest. i will exercise and eat some french toast, pick up my kid from kindergarten and then continue on the homework wheel. maybe it doesn't matter that i don't like what i am doing. maybe i am attaching too much significance to it.
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I feel you, it is hard when you are swamped with school stuff! but maybe you can sneak in some creative/art time on a daily basis? even a few minutes a day makes doing the grunt school work a whole lot easier.
it is true, if you do what you love the money will follow, but it can take years and years for it to catch up with you sometimes. in the meantime you've got to eat, babies gotta eat. the degree will be worth it!
I teach on the side. Strangely, teaching in academia wasn't "safe" enough for me. I sold out and went to library school which has turned out to be infinitely more mind-numbing but it pays the bills and provides the health insurance. Stick your nose to the grindstone and get through the program. School won't las forever and you'll hate working in your field less when you aren't bothered by homework. I promise to jump in fron of a bus if I *ever* think of going back to school again.
I struggle with this too. I rather like my job - it's challenging, rewarding and provides upward mobility. That said, it doesn't fulfill me. I work too much and have very little energy at the end of the day. But, I quit once before, and like you, the anxiety of living paycheck-to-paycheck doesn't suit me. So I suck it up and go to work. And I dream that some day it will be better. And in the meantime, I cut myself some slack, and really try to enjoy my home life when I'm home.
Can you reward your hard endeavors with something - either material or otherwise? Usually makes me feel a bit better.
In any case - I'm sure school will pay off, even if you don't love the path. And the time will pass quickly. It's such a shame that we have to do all of this while our children are young. But, this is life, I suppose.
Good luck, Mama!
a lack of adultness, but the fact that you just had a flippin baby for fuck's sake. a grad program is hard work for anyone, so is having a newborn, and so is having two older kids. no wonder you're falling asleep, and no wonder you're questioning the importance of it, when you have so much going on.
not suggesting for a second that you not do it, just go easy on yourself for resenting the work, it's only natural.
good luck.
for not wanting to do things you don't want to do.
For many years, I felt like if I HATED what I was doing, then somehow in my own mind, I only got "half-credit" for it. The nagging voice in my head that I'd like to smother once and for all said "Well, yeah, you did it, but you didn't WANT to", as if this somehow negated the accomplishment.
I say you deserve "double-credit" for doing it in spite of hating it so much your body tries to fall asleep to escape. You chose this path and you are sticking to it. That takes far more determination, stamina, pride and strength than breezing through something that comes easy to you.
Hang in. Treat yourself to lots of things that you normally don't allow (candy, jewelry, new hiking shoes, a goldfish, whatever makes YOU feel good). See if you can get any of the reading in audio programs so that you can listen to the material while moving around. Do what you have to to make this happen, and don't give one second of thought to selling out and that life is too short. Life is far too long to limit your options of how you will win that bread. Let yourself win, then enjoy those extra loaves toasted, with plenty of butter and jam.
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
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very true. i suppose it is just my usual mid-semester slump. also a bit of anxiety building around the upcoming move/return to full time work.
i think that i need to find a way of managing my time even better so i can squeeze in more of what i value to balance the drain of grammar analysis class.
and i must remember that this time next year i will be finished and free. this summer i am thinking of doing my own nanowrimo, even though i am a short story writer. and even though i should be studying japanese. i just want to give something to my writer self, even if it is only a few weeks' worth of late nights.
but you are right, even just a simple act of creativity will help stave off the school-induced mean reds. thanks, merc.