two years ago tonight

two years ago tonight i fed my daughter at my breast for the last time. she was 15 months old, and weaned herself. we were nursing only in the morning and at night before bed and she was spending more time horsing around with my boobs than she was actually eating, so on february 18th i never offered her my breast and she never asked. ever again.

i was shocked and pleased at how well it went after hearing how difficult it can be for many children to wean, but knowing that we were done with that phase of our relationship was bittersweet. she never looked back, not even once. she's still obsessed with boobs, talks about them constantly, pokes mine, pretends to nurse from them(!), pretends to feed her "babies" from her own chubby little toddler titties, but after i nursed her two years ago tonight it was like she said "thanks for the nourishment, mom, but i'm a big girl now!" crazy how that happens.

so suddenly here i am two years later and, WHOA, i'm having baby pangs! i want a warm, soft infant at my breast again. i want those wet gummy smiles aimed up at me, a tiny little arm wrapped around my waist, fingers scratching absentmindedly against my skin. i want the night feedings, the morning feedings, even the round-the-clock feedings. this is the first time i've actually acknowledged that, yep, i want to be a mother again. i'm usually like "eh, i don't know, maybe, maybe not" but now i'm thinking...there's no maybe, i want another baby again someday. someday.

apparently just enough time has gone by that i've managed to forget how tough those first few weeks and months are and i can live in that little fantasy world where having another baby would just be one big happy dream come true where i could sit in a rocking chair and cuddle with my boob in my baby's mouth all day without a care in the world. damn you, mother nature, for making me black out and forget that it wouldn't be like that at all!

anyway, i'm sitting here remembering DD when she was just a babe and it's cracking me up that i'm having baby pangs because i totally didn't expect it.