boring old mom, as usual
so i just got a picture text from BD/FAX, who (in case you don't remember) i'm not on good terms with AT ALL due to that fact that...well, he's a raging abusive asshole. it was a picture of a Fancy Nancy doll with an accompanying message that said "look what i got DD for valentine's day! it's 18 inches tall!"
my response, via text: "that's cool, she'll love it. guess what i'm getting her for valentine's day? nothing, because i can't afford it. so good for you that you get to be the big hero who gets her an 18 inch Fancy Nancy doll, while i get to be boring old mom who takes care of her 24-7 and only buys her food and clothes. not that i would have it any other way, just hope you enjoy getting to spend money on her while you're still _______ behind in child support. yep, i'm a fucking bitch, aren't i? i also wouldn't have THAT any other way. i'm not a moron, and i'm not going to pretend to not notice how backwards this is."
i have no fucking clue why he felt the need to send me that picture and message. like, he can't possibly be THAT stupid to think that i'd see it and be like "aww, wow, you're so AWESOME! you're so AMAZING!" but i guess he IS that stupid, and he DOES think he's that awesome and amazing.
i'm fine being boring old mom, don't get me wrong. like i said, i wouldn't have it any other way. that's why i fought for all of his visits with DD to be supervised, because he's not safe around her alone and could never handle taking care of her. but fuck if it doesn't give me the occasional rage-fest that he seems to live in a fucking fantasy world where owing almost two grand in child support is like "eh, no big!" and buying a doll that's a foot and a half tall is newsworthy and magnificent while meanwhile i can barely buy us food sometimes. i know i need to just suck it up and get used to it because it's not going to change any time soon, that's for sure, but it's so backwards that this is the trap us single moms with FAXes get stuck in. they waltz in sometimes with a bike or a giant doll and get mad credit for being super kickass while we get relegated to unaappreciated hack status.
boring old mom, that's me. fucking bitch, that's me.
wouldn't have it any other way, but it sure is a mindfuck sometimes, isn't it?
ETA: and, of course, i just got back the requisite shocked texts about how dare i chastise him for "doting" on his daughter, and "why don't you get a job like the rest of us", and "i thought you'd be excited about the doll, not that you'd use it for an excuse to gripe about my backlogged bills."
"backlogged bills"?!? our daughter is a "backlogged bill"? yeeeeah, okay. he's always crying "i'm so broke!" yet he rented a beach house a few months ago and took a week off from work. he orders shit online and it gets sent to MY FRIGGING HOUSE because he forgot to change his adress on amazon. he just got some fancy new phone. so who's broke now??? he works three nights a week in a bar. sounds like life is pretty tough, right?
{head explodes}
i don't like being pissed off like this, but sometimes it hits the point where i let stuff roll off my back ("i'm a duck...i'm a duck...i'm a duck...") for so long that a dumbass move like this on his part makes me want to barf with anger. i've got to keep repeating: i can't change this. i can't change HIM. i can only change how i feel, how i respond.
i've got to just laugh at it all, but at this very moment it's tough to.
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When I logged on today, I was deciding whether or not to send my stupid fuck of an attorney yet another email that he will not answer asking if he is EVER going to get my ex served for contempt. This had been going on for four years.
Then I saw your email and wanted to cry, for you and with you.
I could go on and on, but I don't want to hijack your rant, I'm just soooooooo with you. It soooo sucks being the hack. I've been the hack, the nag, the pain, the enforcer for sooo many years. It's a tough, thankless job and I'm sorry that you are in this bruising, unpadded boat too.
We sit up with the sick kids and clean the house and wipe their noses and the shithead exes actually expect us to praise them for going out and spending money that they OWE TO US on useless junk 'for the kids' that will make them look like Santa Claus and us look like self-serving bitches for noticing the imbalance.
I wish I could run him over for you. Lacking that ability, I can only vibe vibe vibe you some peace and him some harm.
Glamorous
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley
the fucking idiot. he's probably now going, "gah... she's always on my case!"
dolt.
he's probably crying to his girlfriend right now about what a horrible person i am, about how i'm always hassling him for money, and how he can't even do anything nice for his little girl without getting shit for it, and about how i "won't even let him see his kid".
and she probably eats it up, because i'm guessing he's the same way with her that he was with me at first; calculating, careful to keep the violent sociopath hidden until he's sure she'll lay down and take it like a doormat.
i actually feel sorry for her, because i'm guessing right now it's all fun and games and she probably had no idea about the shit he pulls with me, with his daughter. and...whatever, i can't change that. if it makes their lives easier to hate me then so be it.
he texted me some bullshit about how he was only "extending and olive branch" and he couldn't believe i was acting that way, and i wrote back "next time you extend an olive branch do me a favor and make sure you don't dip in a steaming pile of horseshit first."
seriously, though. you can take your olive branch and shove it up your backlogged-bills-whining ass.
¨next time you extend an olive branch do me a favor and make sure you don't dip it in a steaming pile of horseshit first."
Bet he took that one well.
Tigerfish Mama
fuck the fuckin' fucker. I'd be pissed too.
"what the fuck kind of fucking fuckery is this, anyway?!"
it made me laugh. 
awww...sweetie 
I'm sorry you're so upset.
He's a moron, and morons do very stupid things...
I keep constnalty going through similar crap..
at christmas BD bought Bear this big expensive toy dj set (because bd djs). I actually threw it out, I was so angry. The dude is behind almost 6000 in child support, but he can buy our kid a toy so he can be just like "daddy"?! fuck that.
Keep your chin up. Toys are fun for moments, but real love and affection is what shapes a person 
~Seriousness is a sickness; your sense of humor makes you more human, more humble.~
as pissy as i get, the bottom line is it doesn't matter if i get DD a valentine's day gift (what is she, my fuck buddy or something?!) because i don't need to buy her love like he does. i love her, nurture her in mind, body, and spirit, EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE.
that's what matters, and i'm happy to be the one that gives that to her.
i'll take boring old mama over neglectful-irresponsible-daddy-with-a-present-every-now-and-then any day.
but it still blows that he's such a moron.
You can make her doll outfits! and always have something fresh and new to give her. The doll is one thing but who is she going to turn to and be awed by that can make her dollie new clothes? You, mama. and you don't even have to buy anything, just use the scraps you have already. this is a win-win all around.
i didn't even think of that! she's really happy about the doll, saw her dad at grandma's for awhile tonight and is ear-to-ear grins about it, and i'm glad she likes it. making outfits for it is a wonderful idea, especially because she can help with the process! pick a fabric, ribbons, etc, and like you said-- i can recycle or use scraps, which is perfect.
i'm still annoyed with BD's lack of common sense on this stuff but you're right-- i don't always have to be relegated to boring old mom status, because there are tons of ways that i can have fun with DD without even spending a penny. note to self: remember this!
My daughter had this doll for years when she was little, either my aunt or my mom got it for her I can't even recall, but anyway I made so many doll clothes for it! That was my daughter's favorite thing
and i'll say it again. mamas are always stuck with the big kid end of the branch. i think it's cuz women are so fabulously superior. but i do hear you -
big kiddedness blows sometimes.
just remember you rock yer kiddo's world and that's what counts. she'll grow up under the super bright mamaglowpower of yer love, and the plastic doll?
not so much.
k
does his stuff still come to your house?
Pocket it. Then say someone must have stolen it off your porch.
And sell it on eBay.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Now that's a great recipe for lemonade out of lemons.
but not since the summer. once was a movie, once was a book, and once was a package of ipod accessories....alot of them. i thought about keeping them and selling them but decided i didn't want to give him any more reason to fuck with me. i've always been kind of nervous about him getting ballsy enough to break into my house or something nutty like that...he did it while we were together, so i wonder if he'd ever do it now. (although in retrospect he probably would have never realized they had been sent to my house and not his, and he's so lazy that he probably never would have looked into it.)
i did open them because i wanted to know wtf the deal was, and he gave me shit about it. "you opened my PRIVATE mail?!" yeah, doofus. i opened the shit you had mailed to MY mailbox because i think i deserve to know wtf you're having sent here.
aaaanyway, in different circumstances i might have done that and used the money to support my kid but in this circumstance i figured it's not worth the consequences.
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that's what's hard about it sometimes. being the one who does all the work, who sacrifices everything to give our kids what they need, IS pretty thankless alot of the time. we know deep down inside that the best thanks we could ever get is seeing our kids happy, healthy, but it doesn't make it any easier. it doesn't take away the slap in the face that is baby-daddy fuckery.
all we can do is support each other, glamor. tell each other that we know what it's like, that we commiserate with the shittiness, that we're doing a good job, that won't always be this way. i wish you weren't going through it too, but we know we're not alone in this shit.
and please don't worry about going "on and on"; you wouldn't be hijacking, you'd be sharing. promise. so if you want to, tell me your deal! if you want to share, i'm all ears.
thanks for the support and understanding.
<3