a straight up top 10 gratitudes! sunday!
let's do this ladies! in style, of course!
1. the brightest sunshine possible, just for you!
2. richard/rick/rich? i call him rick. so my gut instincts led me to send a quick note to him, i wanted to apologize for being so abrupt, and i touched on how i felt and what my week was like. i only wanted to say that i liked him and it was, what it was. while i was hopeful that we could at least be friendly/friends, i wasn't expecting too much.
3. he replied and was cool about it - he hadn't meant to "toy with me", and i secretly knew this. he likes me too and felt bad about it. he also forced my guts open, and touched on putting people getting hurt/putting walls up, etc. man, this guy isn't about to let me off the hook easy!
4. so replied back and spilled the beans, when he said that he was a "good man" i had no idea how to reply to that! and when he took notice in me "trusting him" i admitted that it made me nervous and scared.
5. where is all this coming from?
6. so he calls me twice and i call him back, the chat was divine. do you remember when sharene told me almost a year ago that i needed to meet a man who went to david deida seminars? or was open to practicing david's techniques in relationships? we discussed alot of cool stuff tonight: relationship issues, men and women, the masculine and feminine, kids, what we both want, my career, his career, how i felt, he he felt, etc. and then he says: "what you're talking about, is making me think about a book i'm reading". who do you think the author was?!! i freaked out, and he said: "why are you freaking out? why are you laughing?". i couldn't answer him truthfully.
7. we'll meet on a hot friday date on the 19th, this is the soonest that our schedules will allow, he was upset by this, but i was secretly pleased. i want to get to know this man, take my time, you know?
8. he's ready to jump in, i can feel it.
9. i admitted to my "shank house" ways, and the lady dick, the whole shebang. i told him that when i get fearful, i lash out and i'm doing my best to change this.
10. my buttons were pushed so bad this week, once by him when he didn't call - *i had mistakenly thought that he wasn't going to, when in fact he was planning on it!*, the other time was yesterday and my head is still spinning from it! i walked out of my final cut pro class after being so fed up and feeling like a total failure. i had emailed the teacher two weeks ago telling her that i was in trouble, then i spoke to her in person last week. this week, i went to turn in my homework and caught some attitude from the second year student who is constantly helping me in class. i got up several times to cry and fought back tears in my seat. when i told the instructor i felt like walking out, she literally positioned her body to try to stop me in my chair! that part was at least funny!
*disclaimer* i had initially been really excited to learn this software, until i found out that it was hard for me!
11. sharene told me two years ago that when i feel the urge to walk out, to force myself to stay. i did pretty well i thought, i made it until the last hour and then bailed. i went home and cried and took a nap, and went to work.
12. today the guys and i cranked out the final cut of my film and it's genius - i love my crew very much! we created an awesome play list and mike and byn are putting on the finishes touches to the film tomorrow night, we debut it on tuesday.
13. i questioned whether or not i should stay in the program because of this one class. years ago i made the decision that i was never good/incapable of learning math, science or computers and now i'm forced to make another choice. i can go to school at the northwest film forum, i can make other choices which would allow me more freedom in terms of classes. i don't need to learn final cut, i can pay people to do this for me when the time comes. BUT, i'll be a better filmmaker with this tool under my belt. i need a smaller class, like 4 people, not 25.
i also don't want my GPA to drop as a result of this class, i'm working towards A's and once class can tip the scales for me. i need to figure this out. i'm applying to several scholarships and i need to keep my GPA up. thank you for reading this, i appreciate your support!
love - Christy NC-17!
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i often read them... and then don't post a comment....
today I felt like saying thank you, and letting you know I appreciate your commitment to appreciating the good things in your life.
its a good reminder to me... all of us I suppose.
and of course, good luck on your film!
: )
Lapis
Love you posts, brave woman! You have wisdom and heart, trust it. Pain is just pain, like childbirth- bring it. You've been hurt a lot, but now you want more for yourself and know you can begin to have it. Our hearts are with you. I'm your friend and believe in you! Bon courage. Your heart will not let you down.
yes, maggles, you are right again!
sharene has said something similar: people think: "oh, i can't get hurt again". she says: "sure you can!".
i say - i enjoy talking with this man into the wee hours, and i look forward to texting with him during the day. i love his heart already, and i look forward to our date next week.
he's a good man, i can tell.
thank you for being my friend!
when i say something crazy and he asks: "should i propose now to you, or later?' - i have almost nothing to say.
when he told me last night that i could count on him to hold down the homefront for my children and his, if i needed to go off and travel for work, film, etc. i cried and could barely express myself.
i have waited along time for this!
hearts!
CX
don't drop because of the Final Cut Pro class. It sounds like the teacher really wants you there and respects your talent. This means a great deal. You can do it, you've just got to believe you can. Think of all you have been through, how you gonna let one class punk you??? answer: you're not. I have faith you can do this...I feel you can do this. even if you don't get an A in it, a B or C won't tank your GPA much if the rest of your classes are As. I support you if you ultimately decide different though!
the new man sounds interesting, and the book thing, how cool is that? Sharene called it, did she not! I feel excited for you, this could be HIM
thank you.
i hear you, one class can't tank me now - i was so upset! after i walked out on friday, it's taken two whole days to get my head straight!
i have some phone calls to make this morning for my documentary project and i've put it off until now.
i also hear you on the GPA, i need to just shut up and buckle down and learn it. i'll do my best and i'll accept it if it lowers my GPA, on any level. i can't really control that part, but i can change my attitude and accept this ladies help.
the main issue i have with the program right now, is that if you don't put a "cap" or boundary on how much you'll give, it will only ask for more.
it's a problem or flaw overall, and i'll speak to my instructor *not the final cut instructor* about this when he pulls me aside tomorrow or tuesdsay to ask me what happened. this class is only designed to help single men go through it, period and maybe a handful of single women, but honestly, it's so cut and dry, it's a wonder that anyone makes it.
i need to talk to sharene tomorrow about this, and i'll sort the rest out.
thank you for helping me to move forward, i needed to hear your voice this morning!
most importantly - how is the teaching going? the bookstore? the kids?
my friend mike and i can meet at least twice over the next four weeks and i can meet with the instructor on the last two saturday's of the month.
this has been a time to surrender and i feel like i don't have much left to give to this program, tipping the scales and loosing saturday's even for the next 6 weeks is a big deal to me right now. you know how stretched for time i am, i don't have much left!
i'll push through it.
the HIM part scares me to death, because i secretly suspect the same thing! yikes! sharene is ALWAYS right, i mean it!
love you and enjoy your sunday! - CX
I'm in school now myself and it is challenging! but we will make it through. I just posted about subbing, the bookstore, family, etc. on my blog here, check it out 
you're right, the challenges can feel great at times, but i'm learning as i go that i really need to focus on one quarter at time, to really make it happen. i had thought this out, during the first quarter, but this second quarter jumped off in full force, with little or no notice! i'm brushing off what i can and moving forward!
the pics are lovely! brian is super handsome, as always!
forever - your friend - cX
I HATED it at first. Nothing felt intuitive, I was in a cold sweat state of panic when the assignment was getting near due..... I even went and subscribed to Lynda for a moth just to have a real tutorial on it (which I never used)......BUT- after I forced myself through the hatred and fear of the program, I realized that there is a learning curve with it- not unlike the curve with any Adobe Creative Suite Program- and after plowing through it for a couple of hours, I was FLYING- and I was in love with the possibilities that the program offers. Final Cut Pro is a really useful thing to know. I echo Mercury- I wouldn't worry so much about the grade (I get upset when something might effect my GPA too, so I understand)- take the opportunity to learn this program- pester your teacher for help- that's what they are paid to do- usually if a teacher sees where you are at and how much you are willing to progress he/she will grade you on the effort and progress made within the class- at least that's been my experience with classes about programs- because everyone enters a class like that with a different level of knowledge...... Good luck! You can do it!
i really needed to hear your words today!
i had to really pull my head out of my ass on this one - fortunately i'm going to speak to sharene today about this and get it officially and "concretely" sorted out!
i'll see if i can meet with my buddy and teammate mike on friday night before my mom comes and we'll work on it.
the learning curve! this is genius!
like most people, i don't like to do things that i'm not good at, but my attitude and desire to learn it is 100% of the issue, at hand.
thank you for reminding me what is possible in this world!
i am making a different choice, i want to learn and get good at it.
anything less, won't do - i can't drop the class and probably shouldn't or wouldn't even if i could.
forever - CX
Don't quit DC! I know you can make this work.You have been selected for this rigorous course for you, you haven't presented yourself or your commitments as anything other than full throttle, you have exceeded expectations at every turn and you will continue to do so.
This is challenging stuff- out of the comfort zone, I know that you can find the right balance. It seems like your comfort zone in film is huge, that is just so apparent when you talk about your projects. In so many respects you are a "natural" so coming up against a barrier like this must be frustrating. Use all the resources you can; teachers, other students. The intensity of this semester will pass and you CAN do math, science and computers lady, I know that to be a fact! I just have such a strong feeling that you are the type of film maker that needs to know how to do every job on the lot.
keep us posted!
Love meds
thanks girl!
I need your encouragement!
i spoke with sharene about this yesterday and she said what merc said: "christy, you weren't considering quitting the program over this one class, were you?".
I've reached out to friend on my team and he's willing to help me, and my teacher replied to my "apology for walking out" email with compassion and kindess. she's willing to help me out, and i'll take her up on it.
sharene commented that a lot of kids feel that they can't do math, because of the way it's being explained to them - she thinks that i fall under this category when it comes to final cut, and i know she's right.
i've accepted that i would lucky to pull off a B and will be content with a C if that happens.
i'm shucking my GPA for now, i need to take the pressure off myself - i'll learn it because i have to, there's no way around it.
sharene also commented that normally, i just "move around things" when they don't work - in this case, there's nowhere to hide!
comfort zone 101 lesson learned!
she suggested a tutorial at the mac shop and i'm running it by my instructor, if that works, i'll do it.
thank you for believing in me, in spite of my ridiculousness!
and i appreciate your compliment on my filmmaking techniqes! i debut my film this morning!
wish me luck!
hearts - CX
stressing about something completely different can color how you interpret people's words and actions. if rick's worth a shit, he will get it.
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forever - CX