ttc is taking TOO long... needing reminders/thoughts/ideas. shit, i've started being mean to my dh : (
it says it all in the title. its been so many many many months... its been over a year actually. and if you count the unprotected sex where we weren't "really" trying, its been almost two years. sigh......
so ok. we just moved overseas and although things here (austria) are pretty sweet (we really like the city we are in and the people here and we will be moving into our awesome apartment tomorrow), up until NOW things have been either super stressful or intensely exciting or busy or new or we were living in a city we hated with work we hated. i understand that those types of circumstances can make it hard for some to conceive. but none the less, I am currently in another two-week-wait and instead of being excited, I'm moody and mean and angry and just plain ol irritated with my husband no matter what he does or doesn't do or should have done or I wish he had done. I'm cold and anxious and jumpy and snappy. I just don't want to be touched or hugged or anything. My boobs hurt like the dickens and I'd be excited that those are all pregnancy signs... except they've all happened before. so instead, i'm just resentful; that he has a job he finally loves (and that can both distract him from this ttc business but also is something he will get to have and love for a lifetime) and that he is a man (or even just a person) who doesn't have to carry the burden of being or NOT being pregnant every god damn month. and on top of all of this, my sex drive is gone!! I can muster up about five days before ovulation when I am in the mood about every other day. after that, its SUCH an effort for me to not feel grossed out by the idea of sex. all of this makes me really sad and feel really bad : ( and I want so badly to just be able to decide that I'm just not going to do any of this angry, resentful, sad, mad business... but alas, I can't really help it.
and of course, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with MY life here in this new country... or even just MY life no matter where we are. I am so distracted about this whole baby/family thing that I find it hard to focus on anything else I would want for myself.... especially in terms of what kind of work would be fulfilling to me. I'm lost in the ttc vacuum that I was certain that Id never get totally lost on. yes, i'm lost in it. totally and completely lost.
any thoughts or commiseration or ideas or supportive words would be ever helpful.
and thanks for listening to my rant
xo
Lapis
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*Hugs* I've got thoughts, but of course they are totally just my own observations from the outside from what you've posted here and should be taken with a grain of salt, cause really, what the fuck do I know? But, here goes, I hope it's helpful at least in a tiny way....
I would say to just let it go. For now, for a breather, just to regain your sanity, just let it go. Not give up on the idea of getting pregnant forever, but just to take a break, a vacation if you will. Easier said than done, I know. But it's no wonder you're stressed out right now, a major move overseas, dealing with work/life shit, being a newlywed (you are a newlywed, right?!). I mean, that's a lot of shit to deal with all at once!! I think you're too spread thin, ya know? What I would seriously do, take a day just for yourself. Maybe go for a hike if that's near you, a park, whatever. And just mentally let it go. Just for a while. Set a timeframe of a few months, or not, just say you'll pick it back up when the time feels right (or better, cause there may never be a *right* time). Focus your energy on the move, on you new surroundings, on work, on yourself. Be nice to yourself. Don't track temp or your cycle, just go with the flow. I'm not one to really be into new agey, self help stuff. But I know sometimes if I have something that I'm trying to let go or not stress over, when I start to think of it, I can just stop what I'm doing, close my eyes and just breath. Just release it back into the universe. I don't ask for anything from the universe, I don't think it goes anywhere special, I just clear it from my headspace and let it clutter up somewhere else, away from me!
And just tell your guy what's going on in your head, if you can. If you can't even really explain it, then just say that. Just say you're in a rough spot mentally and you just need his support, because you will come out of it. I can't imagine anyone not being at least a bit stressed in your shoes!
I hope all of that crap made sense, at least a little. Like I said, I'm just spouting off mumbo jumbo that came to my head while reading your post. But if it doesn't seem relevant to you, that's cool too. I hope you can find a balance that works for you. And Austria! How cool is that?!? I hope you really like it there. Good luck, Lapis, really. I've been a tiny bit in your shoes (with the TTC part, anyways) and I know how it can just take over. It's not easy.
Ohhh the frustration of ttc. I too hated it, and often found it impossible to keep my cool during the 14 day wait. It's normal that dh bears the brunt. He's there- and he's probably the only person you have around there to talk about it to.
First note, there's so much in your post to congratulate about. New flat, new city, new country. Congratulations about that! Maybe all of that could get played up mentally, instead of thinking to much about your cycles and your pms/possible pregnancy symptoms.
And then that career thing. That's a biggy too. I think alot of people are conditioned to value themselves in terms of their ¨productivity¨ which is often linked into how well they are performing in their job, and or their hobbies (i know i get sucked into this one with my creative crafty pursuits. So not having a job or knowing what job you would like or could be available to you can be a huge blow to the self-esteem.
I think i agree with bleu. If you can, set it aside. There are no bigger fish to fry, but you do have other extremely important things to put in place. Things that you have more control over and say in. So concentrate on drawing your professional map, and getting intimate with your new surroundings for a while. It might really help if you could decide that this is, in fact, a terrible time to get pregnant. That's what worked for me.
I'm sure that doesn't help at all. BUt hugs anyway.
Tigerfish Mama
I am extremely uncomfortable and sick of being pregnant while simultaneously not feeling ready to give birth to our ¨sacred miracle of creation¨. Apparently our son is especially long so he's compressing my bladder and restricting my breathing at the same time. I wake up with back and hip pain that makes me feel like somebody's granny. Not to mention how tired i am.
It's probably a good thing that you're going to the doctor. It is good to feel proactive. I highly suggest painting everything in sight, especially since a good paint job really makes a place feel like a comfortable home.
and at least you are being honest. Hugs, mama.
I drove myself nutso too, ttc. It took us about a year. But you are right, it wouldn't be a bad thing to talk to a doctor. I'm all in favor of more data!
Bleu's advice is good too. Very very very hard.
Anyway, nothing new to add, really, but I wanted to send you love & vibes on the figuring out your life in austria!
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
Oh, I hear you. I was SHOCKED that was me too. Although I was well over 30 when we started trying so it probably shouldn't have been so shocking.
but dear god, why did I spend so much time worried about missed birth control pills or taking antibiotics + birth control + unprotected sex?! I was so annoyed by that.
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really, thanks so much.
helps just to be reminded that there IS indeed another perspective to have about this whole situation.
I've wanted to have kids since I was about 4 so it feels like I've really been waiting for 23 years!! and really I forget that its only been two or so.
I agree, just letting it go for now would be smartest. yes, easier said than done.
dh just came home and I had a nice little cry and vent, got to share that I'm actually feeling quite jealous (albeit really happy for him) that he really loves his work. I think there is more to my feelings of despair than just this long ttc, because although I know that being a mom will really fill my heart in a magnitude of ways, feeling so lost in my work life is really creating a lot of turmoil for me as well... because in reality I'm NOT pregnant right now and as much as I need to be thinking about how I want to deal w/ this bout of infertility I ALSO need to be putting energy into finding something that feeds my mind and fulfills my needs as a modern woman,
I feel like this whole process is breaking me down into a weeping and moody seventh grader again. wow!