endings and beginnings, dying and living

i've been lurky but invisible lately, and i know there's been so much going on with so many mamas here. for one: dragon chic, i never wrote to you a few weeks ago when you had that bombshell dropped on you but i want you to know that i've been thinking about you so much and channelling all the postitive energy i can muster in your direction. it's a tough situation no matter how you slice it but i hope knowing that me and so many other people are 110% behind you helps takes a bit of the pain away; your feelings are *yours* and you don't have to ever apologize for them, but i know that you know that. i hope the new year brings blessings and love and happiness to you and all your loved ones.

there's been alot on my mind this weekend and i thought i'd do a little update to get some of it out. first of all, grandma phoenix passed away on friday night. she was THE original Phoenix Woman, rising from the ashes repeatedly throughout her life and lending her strength to everyone whose path she crossed. she just turned 94 last tuesday and lived a long and rich life, but losing her hurts tremendously nonetheless. i console myself with the understanding that she died under the best circumstances possible: in her own home, peacefully and quietly. she never would have been happy had she lived long enough to end up in a nursing home, and so insisted on continuing to live on her own even after being hit by a car in 2008 left her unable to walk for months; doctors told her that she would probably never walk again but you know what? she did, 9 months later. slowly but surely she gathered her strength and resolve and went from baby steps with a walker to being able to go up and down the stairs in her condo unassisted! utterly amazing. she died quietly on friday evening in her comfy chair while watching television, and her home care nurse went in saturday morning and found her like that. the nurse said she looked at peace, which means the world to me. she donated her body to Yale medical school so there won't be any burial or cremation; she also doesn't want a funeral service so instead our family is planning to hold a memorial event in her hometown next month. she has a million friends and is the matriarch of our family, and getting everyone who loves her together to celebrate her life will be amazing.

she was a hell of a woman and if i could live to accomplish even half of what she did in her lifetime i would be lucky indeed.

i had my annual exam recently at planned parenthood, AND brought the new phoenix man with me so we could both get STD tests and start rolling condom-free. this began as a casual hook-up in october and quickly evolved into a holy-shit-we-are-completely-crazy-about-each-other tumble of falling for each other. i adore this man, and he adores me...and my daughter. he loves me for *everything* that i am, and it came out of nowhere! in the beginning we were uncommited but within a few weeks decided we didn't want anything but each other and so monogamy it is, and happily. i cannot WAIT to get the results and make love to this man without the hindrance of a rubber liner separating us...i'm giddy just thinking about it. clearly i'm in a mushy mood right now; i'm calling it "making love" and not "fucking".

mamas, here it is, the bottom line: i am in love, for the first time. i am more at home with this person than i ever have been anywhere in my life. it's so simple between us, and it brings a glow to my life that i see in everything i do now. we are truly blessed to have found each other.

the only bummer about the doctor visit was the stark reminder that the bad pap smear i had last year and my inability to pay to have a biopsy done means i could be putting my health at risk. it's a shitty situation; being uninsured, i'd have to pay at least $500 for the colposcopy, even with their sliding scale fee reduction. i've been faintly aware for the last year that not having this test means risking my health but yesterday it was put to me in no uncertain terms: before my exam begin i had to sign a release stating that i fully understand that the risks of not having the test done are.... cancer and death. seeing those words on the page gave me a little startle, but i'm staying optimistic. the good news is that phoenix man helped pay for my tests and exam yesterday, so we opted for an (reasonably inexpensive) HPV subtyping test. it'll tell us exactly which strain it is that's causing the abnormal pap results, and if it's a high-risk strain that typically results in cervical cancer planned parenthood will refer me to a *free* breast and cervical cancer clinic in new england. hopefully it won't come to that, obviously; i'm expecting to get a call soon saying that the results show an extremely low-risk strain and that the colposcopy isn't even necessary, and i'll be able to officially put it out of my mind. knowing, though, that there's already a "plan" in place in case things dont look great is reassuring.

AAAAAAND {drumroll please!}...while i was at planned parenthood chatting with the receptionist about how much i love, love, love the organization she told me there had been an inter-office memo released the day before announcing an opening in that office. she said it hadnt been advertised to the public yet and if i dropped off my resume and cover letter ASAP i'd have a huge advantage. i am giddy with excitement over this new opportunity; working there would be, quite literally, my *dream job*. they'll train me on-site and i'd be doing a combo of office work and work with patients. i'm drooling at the thought; this must be why i havent been able to find a job for months, because the PERFECT job was waiting for me in the new year! i WILL get this job. i deserve it.

more fun news: a close friend and her man got engaged on new year's day, and she's asked me to be a bridesmaid and my daughter to be her ringbearer! they'll be married in august at her parents' lovely home on a local lake, and i can't wait for it to be here. we celebrated with an engagement party on saturday night and although i was feeling the pain of losing grandma it was so nice to spend the night in good company and celebrate the excitement of my friends beginning a life together. phoenix man, DD, and i stayed for the night after the party at another friend's house and they have an adorable pup maggie the super-pooch who was a huge fan of my first official sewing project with the babylock my mum got me for christmas:

maggie snuggled up with it pretty much all night, it was a riot.

i'd had a shitty day on wednesday, but also had my first (FREE!) sewing class that night, so after DD went to bed i channelled all my pissy energy into an appliqued FUCK pillow. perfect, right?! i need more practice with applique-- damn those curves are tricky!-- but it was so much fun to do and i laugh every time i look at that pillow. i stuffed it with a bunch of scrap yarn and i'm going to make more of them because i've gotten a ton of requests for them. interestingly, most of the requests have been for a DOUCHE pillow. DD asked what the FUCK pillow says and i told her "love". she looked puzzled and said "but 'love' is an 'L' word..." and quick thinker that i am i told her that it's actually french for love. i crack myself up. not that she hasnt been introed to the eff word before (we're what i like to refer to as a "language friendly" household) but obviously telling her it says FUCK is just an invite for her to start telling strangers at the grocery store all about it.

anyway, i think that's the gist of what's been filling my head up lately. death, life, love, new opportunities, and my health. i'm feeling strong and optimistic about all of it, and grieving for the end of one life has made me feel blessed and amazed by everything that life has to offer for *all* of us. i hope the new year brings much happiness and blessings aplenty to all of you and your families; hold on to every moment and opportunity and love freely, mamas! xoxo

“Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix."

ETA: boooo! i forgot that photobucket is ubersensitive and doesn't like "bad words", so they deleted my pic, which is of maggie the super-pooch snuggling with the FUCK pillow i made..i'll post it as an attatchment in case you want to check it out!