about bodies...ok. about MY body.
for awhile there i'd look at all of my childless 20-something lady friends, with their perky tits and their tiny hips and flat little bellies, their utter lack of stretch marks and thighs that do not touch, let alone rub together with enough friction to spark a fire in a monsoon, when they walk, and i think "oh, yes. those were the days." would if i could have spent them glorying in my early 20s fresh prettiness without worrying about this stray (chin) hair or that (unnoticeable, purely imagined) lovehandle.
sigh.
and then, i dunno, when the kid was about 10 months...twelve months, maybe? (funny how time gets so watery and fluid after you have a kid), i hit a serious bout of body hatred and insecurity. and it straight Sucked. and i floundered in it for, oh, a week or two before i sat my self down and said, firm but with some love, "chic. we are NOT doing this. we are NOT wasting our precious, scarce time and energy on self-loathing and hatred. NOT DOING IT."
so i came up with a plan.
and the plan started with getting naked, daily and often, and looking in the full length mirror hanging in our kitchen (don't ask) and saying things like "yeah girl!" or "who's so sexy?" or "my god, you are fucken beautiful." or "pretty pretty lady."
and i did this for awhile, and felt better. but not good. far from fabulous.
so the plan progressed.
and when i would take showers (which, fer a dirty hippie, i do often and with great joy. it's my own hot, steamy, safe, quiet little space in this world), i would soap myself with great ceremony and care. notice how nice my skin felt, the way my stretch marks are kind of numb yet, somehow, also kind of supersensitive. the way my body simply FELT good to my hands. the luxuriousness of my rump, the stretch of my belly, the solidity of my hips.
and i did this for awhile, and felt better. good. not so far from fabulous.
so the plan progressed.
and i started feeding my body foods i had prepared with love and care, with my own two hands. and i listened to flesh for the pangs of hunger, the cotton of exhaustion, the cramp of inertia; and i responded accordingly. noticed all of the strong strong holding my arms accomplished: of child, of laundry, of lover, of books. noticed all the far far walking of my legs. the agility of my spine, the sway of my hips, the pleasant bounce of my breasts when i moved.
and i did this for awhile and felt better.
fucken fabulous, in fact.
and now. i love this body. this stretched out, padded, hang-y, jiggly, foreign body that has become my home.
and i wrote the following yesterday, thinking of alla the mamas out there, and how i'm hoping yer loving yer bodies too:
i think...no,
i know
i look
infinitely more gorgeous
when i am wearing
nothing
as opposed to
when i am wearing
some thing
(even my sexy butt pants
and
favorite grey tee -
a shirt so soft
it
feels
like nothing).
when i am
naked
and
prancing,
all of my
self
is proud
unashamed
and jiggling
joyously in the breeze.
my breasts hang,
my hips are wide
connected
solid
and life-giving
to two sturdy legs.
my ass is ample,
my arms strong,
my neck graceful,
my tattoos clothing me
only
in self love and expression and
nothing
can touch me.
unless i say so.
then
you can touch me
all
you
want.
*******************************
go love yerselves, ladies.
shadykati
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"i love this body. this stretched out, padded, hang-y, jiggly, foreign body that has become my home." -this is the mother norm. it would be great if the whole world would recognize this. A person's attitude and the way we treat our bodies makes a huge positive difference- loving your body vs. hating or resenting it.... I would love to have this quote on the wall next to my bathroom mirror, lol.... "chic. we are NOT doing this. we are NOT wasting our precious, scarce time and energy on self-loathing and hatred. NOT DOING IT."
I was still uncomfortable about my weight 2 years ago, after the break-up with my ex. He used to say some really nasty things about my body....sometimes after I got out of the shower I would see my breasts in the mirror and burst into tears....once he came into the bathroom when I was doing this and said "oh honey- I still think you're attractive- but I like that National Geographic look you know...." I also had to learn how to deal with feeling attractive in a much larger body when I was pregnant- I gained 46 lbs during my pregnancy- and it did not come off over the course of a year.
Rather than walk around naked- maybe I'm less secure about my self-image than you are (this is going to sound really ass-backwards and non-feminist although I could argue about it) I purchased sexy underwear that stuffed everything back into place for a bit. Freaky weird! I had never had anything but Hanes Her Way before my pregnancy- it really helped me get my sexy groove back on, strange as that was for me. Then slowly shedding the need for the underwear. Now I feel pretty great about being naked- saggy boobs and all- I went from an A cup to a D cup with my kid then back again, heh.
Sometimes I get the urge to let my chin hair grow......I've been working on a mustache for a couple of years now. I think it's HOT- in that Frida Kahlo kinda way- but sometimes I chicken out and bleach it.
Love it! Thank you. Going through a little body hatred right now. Found myself actually praying to the deity for a tummy tuck.UGH. This made me feel better this morning.
"But is it my manner that keeps her from hearing, or the threat of a message that her life may change?"
-Audre Lorde
that actually brought tears to my eyes, and it was wonderful! I am such the poetry snob, and that gets two snaps for sure.I have always suffered from "body hatred" only now, with age do I think I am finally becoming freerer than ever. You mentioned in the beginning how you look at your childless friends and their body types. Well, since I was 9 or 10 years old I have had the body that people have AFTER having children. I was never a small girl. My three year old daughter weighs right around 50 pounds, and although she is not considered "fat" she is just this big boned, muscular,tall, non skinny kid that I worry will some day feel as awkward and cursed as I did. I distinctly remember all the shame and food obsession and low self esteem that it brought me, going from childrens clothing to womens clothing in two years. In 6th grade, I was a size 10, and all my girlfriends were a size 1. I am just a big girl like Serena or Venus williams with man sized hands and was in a size 8 shoe in 6th grade. To top it off, my boobies are 'tear dropped shaped' at best and even as a kid I couldn't wear a halter top with a shelf bra unless I wanted to draw attention to my large, low, flat breasts. I never had the body everybody envies until I started literally eating nothing and when I did get down to 120 pounds, my breasts were just skin and then I had that to contend with and obsess over and be embarrassed. At 32 years old, I am able to understand that the reason everybody on television is a size 2 is because thats what the producers and agents and all that wanted, and that in the grocery store, in the beauty salon, at the gas station, at the bank women are 4'8, 6'5 tall, round, skinny, thick, curvy, inbetween, big, small, ect. And especially around my age, everybody has caught up with me, and hardly is there and really thin women walking around, and objectively, just because they are 5'9 and 135 and I am 5'5 and 170 does not mean that their body is any better than even from a complete superficial level. Comming from a woman that has had both male and female lovers, I can say that I like padding, I love big hips and big butts and a lil belly bulge and big boobies, and yet I still have to remind myself that I still feel a twinge of guilt every now and again that this isn't the year that I have gotten thin and yet I don't really even like that! Yes, the marketing machine has done a number on this woman, along with my mother's perpetual dieting because she was always "too fat" while never even entering plus sized clothing. That was my first role model, my crazy yo yo dieting mom who would alternate starvation with binges ( just like i have to stop myself from doing) and never excercised. It wasn't ever about health with her, just like it never is with me. I am not sensitive about my weight any more, and I really hope that my daughter never goes through what I did. Body image and women is just, wow....its too often too tied up in self image, while all over town theres middle aged men in outdated opened shirts and beer guts walking around like Dog The Bounty Hunter, thinking they are just Gods gift and then some.
thats awesome i love it. I've always been big not huge but big and i had issues until i met baby daddy. he made me take off my clothes and walk around butt ass naked while he told me how beautiful i was and how he loved every fuckin inch of my body and that man literally changed my entire outlook on my body.i love it now. im 5'7 and weigh 190 right now but i go between180 and 200. my issued now is i have no ass my guy calls me flat booty but it says so affectionately that i no longer care. i hate that it took a man to help me see how wonderful i am but im glad i got there all the same.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
You should submit this to the hip mama print zine if you haven't already. It totally fits with the subject for issue #47. It deserves to be in print. BRILLIANT MAMA, BRILLIANT! THANK YOU!
Issue 47: The Body
If you are around kids then you have dealt with
bodies and the nasty that can come out! If you have
carried a baby, your body will never be the same.
Tell us about bodies- from eating disorders in eight-
year-olds to jiggly arms on mamas. How do our bodies
influence our lives and our parenting?
Submission Deadline: February 28th, 2010.
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thanks fer the suggestion and the compliments. i might just do that.