ugh. I really need to get this out before it poisons me.

Things in the lunarfamily home are just so overwhelmingly grim at the moment. It's nothing all the rest of you aren't going through. Lack of money, too many bills, uncertainty about the future, health issues, personal issues, isolation, lack of space (my own), you get the point.

I'm all kinds of grumpy and overwhelmed. I got accepted into a healing program in CA but there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I can attend. I'd need over $5,000 to go, SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. This completely depresses me. Like to no end. I know that the universe will provide if it's what I need/really want. But I can't even muster enough desire to let the universe know that is what I want. I've given up on making it happen. I feel like a failure. For more reasons than this, but this is a big one.

I haven't seen my family back in Seattle for almost 2 years. And it looks like that won't happen anytime soon. We rotate years between the families. One in the Netherlands then one in Seattle, but this year we went to NL in April and then DH went back alone for the funeral. We are still paying for the $1000 last minute plane ticket and his time off (over $1500) for the funeral alone. We've gone overdraft 5 times in the last 6 months (this never happens) because his checks were all fuckered up and over $200 short each pay period because we had to pay back his unpaid time off because they didn't count it when he actually took it. There is just no money (or credit) to make my trip home happen. DH said he could take time off and let me go back alone but there really is NO MONEY, at all. Period.

I haven't had a break from my kids for more than 2 hours in over a year. My husband has had over two weeks away from the kids on vacation and going back to the NL for a funeral. Not to mention the 8-9 hours a day that he is gone. I know he works hard. i know it's stressful and unsatisfying to work where he does. But really he's gone 9 hours a day, away from the kids...we live in different worlds and he has NO CLUE how hard this shit is. I went into debt to get him back to the Netherlands. I don't regret that, however I do feel like my needs ALWAYS get put on the back burner. They are not a priority to anyone but me. It's not that I don't ask for it. And it's not that he doesn't want to give it. It's just that usually, by the time I'm like "Listen, I NEED to do this/get time/etc" there is no money/he's out of vacation time/someone gets sick (me included). It's my job to make this stuff a priority but I feel trapped. Without an end in sight. In fact I feel like everything is unraveling.

I also have some pretty scary health issues I'm dealing with. It sucks. I'm the only one who knows about them because I don't trust my doctor, and even if I did I can't afford to go (even though we pay over $300 a month for health insurance).

Winter is not helping. The lack of sun, or ability to go outside (TOO DAMN COLD) and also the fact that we have only one car and DH works all damn day make me feel trapped. It also doesn't help that Dee is out of school for 2 weeks (DH gets time off work, Dee gets time off school, DH isn't here the two half days a week he's usually here to take Dee to school... MY WORK DOUBLES! - How fucking awesome is that?) And then he says "Well, at least you don't have to go out to go to work"...WTF?!?! Seriously? I'd KILL to GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE, especially to work. At least then I'd feel like I had some power over my situation, and maybe get to poop alone once in awhile. I've been out 4 times in three weeks, only once was to go do something I *wanted* to do (Make body products for Christmas presents that I am now too poor to mail). I'm going crazy.

I took myself out for dinner last night. It was nice but I couldn't afford it. I'm not going to feel guilty about it but it will have it's repercussions.

I effing hate this.

Any "getting through this" vibes would be greatly appreciated. Or advice, or whatever. Anything. I just need to feel like I'm not crazy, 'cause I do right now. I really, really do. And I'm terribly, terribly sad.

I'm sending all my vibes out to all of you. I know you all are dealing with your own shit. Thanks for reading.

Much love,
LM