i fucking wish i was bonnie franklin! a weird top 10! monday
1. i'm serious!
if single motherhood was this easy, i would GLADLY welcome schneider up to apartment A69 *DAILY!* and let him use his drill on my lady bits until the cow's come home!
2. i panic with men, you've seen me do this - i did it again! not a surprise! what will it take for me to let them lead!!! when will i quit being a fucking lady captain! they can lead me down the road of womanhood, satisfaction, joy, self-serving, self-service? familhood, safety, happiness, a bunch of good unknown stuff! what will it take? i'll cut my hair like bonnie franklin, if i have to!
3. i was going to see jeremy again on new year's and i was really looking forward to it. between my lady balls and his constant talking of his ex, and lack of "i'll call you" phone calls, i pulled the plug. i've done this before - i get so scared! and i hate waiting to be pursued, for the call, blah blah blah. ALL women can do this, but i can't - i jump the gun - who does this?!! i do. my razor sharp instincts really hurt me, ALL the time with men. but, this time was a little different, i was partly right, i didn't pull out my ladyman homemade shank per-usual and gut him in the heart, instead, i emailed him and explained my position. who has a "position" after one date?!! i do! i can't stand this anymore, i'm not good at it.
4. filmmaking is easier than men - death is easier than men in my book. i don't like feeling "trapped", the minute they hone in, i'm ready to jump! i'm so uncomfortable, yet, my soul is always nagging my personality self to "try". i put up an other craigslist ad, and i'm doing match.com. wish me luck!
5. where is john hughs when you need him?!!
why is it easier for me to be john hughs, than samatha baker? why am i stuck on this stupid level and not learning my lessons?!!
6. i work so hard! why can't they see that?!! men are so unknown to me - how could i live with one for 14 years, and still not get it?!! what is there to get?
7. on a positive note - mars and i had fun today at sephora! when you don't know what the answers are, go to sephora!
8. so i'm planning on going out to lo-fi this new year's. i want to look sexy, do what i do best - dance, have fun - drink a beer or two - schmooze with strangers - kiss a stranger. do what i always do.....
9. everything seems easier, when you're not doing it.
10. wish me luck, i really need it!
yours - dragon chic! that's it! well, no! christy nc-17!
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I read your blog entry and took a big breath. I can identify with these feelings a lot.
I don't have any answers on this issue just a ton of empathy. Its one of those can't go under it, can't go over it have to go through it scenarios
One thing that has changed things slightly for me in terms of my mindset is treating dates and such as not a finding the one scenario but more like an exercise in changing your style and just disciplining yourself in terms of calls and expectations and living with uncertainty!
I think this is your final frontier, I wouldn't expect it for it to be easy for you to find a perfect mate as you are an exceptional individual.
What I don't doubt is that there are a ton of men out there, your perfect mate included, that could and will bring a lot to your life in terms of freindship, sex, practical support, carreer stuff.
I think at the moment you need a platoon each with their own speciality and all charming in their own way! Maybe once you get into the habit of accepting from men in a more general way your man will come find you!
I think I also need to take my own advice!
Take care of yourself
Meds
DC- because you want a true partner does not mean you are blowing it up when they come on too strong too fast- that is about THEM and their needs and not about us, and it's claustrophobic. I know this one. Strong women are men magnets but then I think we know it's partly because they are cut off from their own needs and there is this tacit deal that we are going to "fix" it, be responsible for them somehow. It really is hard trying to find a really strong, dynamic man. Don't wish away your feelings, your humanity, your soul's desire- that's your essence baby! It's your shining light on the world- a gift for all.
xoxo
hello baby mags!
thank you just isn't enough sometimes is it?!!
i really needed to hear this tonight!
i want so much, i always have - my container is small, my spirit is big!
i want a good man, my soul desires one - and you know me - whatever my soul wants, it unfortunately gets! ha! - but time/the universe has made me wait it out a bit, so i do it. it's almost less about the universe and more about how i live my life, i think.
the universe has actually waited for a space in my life to literally "drop" this man into! it's up to me to handle my business!
i hear what you're saying, my essence is all i have! and i feel like when and if i lay it on the line, it doesn't change the quantity or quality of men that i'm sorting through!
the strong woman thing doesn't help, that's the truth!
but, what else can i be? in this lifetime, i chose this gig! nice!!??
i'll keep going - i love you and thanks for reaching out to me tonight, when i need it the most!
i think you just saved me from a horrible haircut! the bonnie franklin doesn't suite me at all, i know it!
your friend - christy nc-17!
Let's breath it together. We are hot mamas. So be it. It's hard to open the heart- there is always pain in growth, joy but also pain in true connection. When you have been such a survivor it is hard to let go, too. You are on your path...I feel it. Glad to be your friend. Happy New Year! Going to post a photo from Christmas Eve night, eating oysters- feeling very 40s and classy sexy. You inspire high heels. xo
hot is right!
i can't wait to see your pic! oysters and heels are meant for each other!
i must keep my heart open, or else!
i agree - joy and true connection go hand in hand - there's no other way to go, but UP, right?
we'll shoot for the stars together!
thank you for understanding me and my position on menfolk!
hearts and have an amazing new year!
love - CX
maybe it's easy for me to say since i have a decent amount of testosterone in my home, but don't sweat letting them go, particularly this one. who says they'd lead you down those roads? more likely they lead you down the road of extra work and you've got so much shit going on, you need low maintenance. they're a lot of fun, but even the best of them are work.
fuck waiting to be pursued. let him and his ex be happy with each other, you have bigger shit to take care of.
hello lovely mrs.!
thanks for your support - it feels odd/funny today - this guy easily spent $200 on one date! i love the roses, it's been a joy to wake up to them everyday!
i go nutty for flowers - if there's one thing that sharene has taught me this year, it's that some folks literally don't have the "words" to say anything - and in this case, i was "happy" to let him *and me?!* off the hook. but, i'll admit, some communication would have been nice!
he must be embarrassed, he was talking up a storm about taking us "camping" and other shit like that!?
i think you're right - gotta pass this one up - it did hurt my feeling's, but i'm getting over it.
i always opted to visualize and channel what i want - it helps me to re-think and focus on the type of man i want! i've been dreaming him up for years! the only man i want in my home and heart, is the kind that shows up saying: "christy, what do you need?". this is it! and YES, you're right - i've got alot of shit going on!
part of the reason i've waited, is because in the past, the men i chose where all "part time jobs". i want the man who will provide for us, protect us, etc.
nothing short of the real deal/ full monty will do!
hot damn lady! i hear you about them being "work" - i need one that's been trained and ready to go!
*with some modifications!*.
love, dc
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and thank you for the nice compliment - sometimes i wonder what this really means for me.
i find hope, in other women like us - or me - i have no idea what you consider yourself to be. odd question, but do you consider yourself to be a masculine woman, too?
i've worked long and hard to keep myself balanced, i constantly have to remind myself that the strong fem is good enough!! it's challenging enough for me to pull off! why? i have no idea.
at least i'm honest about it, i think that says a lot!
the CALLS, expectation?, UNCERTAINTY?! shit! i have almost no idea what this even means - and i know you're secretly right!
it's not a secret, we know this - but what most women find to be second nature, i find completely alien.
i'll choose the hideous late 1970's bonnie franklin haircut, ALMOST every time! this horrible pattern is just out of habit! (i guess that's what makes it a pattern?!! psychology 101 at it's finest! where are the guppies?!! can i have ONE?) how sad is that? or how funny is that, at least?!
today i can at least laugh at myself!
i am about to post a sensational pic of my current hero: peneople spheeris, director/producer - the finest masculine woman around! this lady is hardcore and totally gets shit done, on her own terms!
do you know what she said about men?: "oh forget it, i can't get along with guys, they always say: "you're choosing your career over me".
i find that heartbreakingly true, at this very moment.
films never let me down, i can count on them, always.
my career is top priority for so many reasons, i find film to be satisfying in so many ways, uplifting, it's my everything.
i truly wish that i had no physical or "soul" needs, no desire to love men, i wish that i had a barbie crotch and heart!
my damn soul can feel like such a pain in the ass! i mean it!
i wish i was indifferent and felt absolutely nothing.
you're absolutely right about accepting from men in general - sharene busted me on this last year. she asked me: "christy why can't you just accept what he has to offer"? i have no answer to that.
instead, i'll make movies, keep searching, keep my heart open, carry a 45., wear high heels and nice make-up and clothes and do what i want to do.
the only man for me is the one that i can be afraid of, and be vulnerable with. i think!
love,
christyX-christy nc-17!