a comeback inspired top 10/suns!
it seems ridiculous and unheard of. it's been exactly 3 weeks since my last top 10 list. never again will it take me this long to show gratitude. here i am, and this is what i have to say today:
1. this is a forgiveness mandala: this is where i'm at:
things have come to a complete halt. yesterday, i realized that while skye was here, i was unable to channel properly. the level of stress that he instantly brought into my house, was thrust into my lap, unexpectedly and WITHOUT my permission! it dawned on me that he literally walked into my house and dumped his crap on me, with no hesitation. scott was done the same way, we talked about the situation for the first time yesterday, and it felt powerful to lay it all out there. we both agreed that neither one of us was willing to house them when and if they came around, with the expectation for "help". everyone has literally begged me not to do it, and i know that sharene agrees. so i won't.
i forgive myself for how i've reacted - that might sound strange - but i wish that i could have found some clarity sooner - everyone has felt the tiny ripple of skye's situation, so all i can say is: thank you for listening and reading my personal thoughts/words.
2. this is susan seidelman's first full length feature film - see it! i rent it from time to time, mars and i dozed off to this fantastic, life changing and gut-inspiring film at 4 am - you can have this new wave/punk inspired fantasy too! 
3. i am a changed person as a result of this recent madness. i asked skye to leave immediately yesterday. in a nutshell - he was upset over not getting the target job permanently, and while that was understandable - this is the second job that he hasn't "gotten", and at least some of the fault lies in his horrible attitude. we all know that people don't repeatedly "loose job opportunities" magically!
even after we negotiated and he agreed to spend money on household food, and take care of mars 3 days a week so i can work, he was adamant about not pitching in even $25 dollars for food this week. even though he currently has more money that i do, and recieved a full pay check on friday - i knew it was going to a be a battle, so i initially told him that i had already sunk in $30 for food, and that was all i could afford. i explained to him that i wanted to write down a few things on list and have him buy them - he immediately started to pout and put up a fight!
i told him this wasn't working and asked him to leave at the end of the month, he kept at it and accused me of attempting "swindle" him - so i told him to leave immediately. funny enough, i still handed him the $100 i promised him for the cable bill loan. a few days ago a few close friends at job corp tried to warn him and told him that they knew harmoney had in fact cheated on him at least once during their time apart. when i asked him about whether or not he felt the child was his, he said yes, and i agreed with him. but when i asked him if he thought the rumor was true, he said he didn't know - it might be/50-50.
the positive? i can think now! and i feel better! both scott and i agreed that he really wanted to be with harmoney and her family right now, and it makes sense. we were both disappionted that he wasn't willing to just man up and say so and go on his own terms instead of making it complete hell for everyone involved.
4. a few days ago - i made the decision to not accept his help anymore with mars because the "cost" was much too high for me. it wasn't fair, and to be honest, he needed to be cut loose, it was obvious. it puts me in a challenging place, because i did need his help. i'm going to channel it out there and get the support i need. i'm going to talk to my neighbor jamanesh and see what we can work out. if i have too, i'm willing to take less child support from scott, so he can pitch in, but that's absolutely last resort. i'm going to tackle this 2nd quarter head on - with childcare secured before i go back to work on the 11th.
5. gold trees are the best!
6. but my absolute favorite are:
7. thank you to everyone who pitched in support on this one:
merc, meds, freakin, deni, guava, before's, green, zoe, rev. mo, velma, shades, yogi, expat, turtle, dyn and mne!
what can be said of true friends? thank you for your compassion. welcome to another top 10 list!
8. i'm dreaming up some new stuff - i can finally do it again!
9. this week is going to be busy! tomorrow - i need to head down to the career center at central and look up scholarship info, drop by grassroots and pick up a form i needed them to sign to get mars childcare renewed from dshs, photocopy stuff, go to my counseling appointment and go to the gym!
10. this ones for you!
love always - christy nc17
p.s. so many positive things happened during my last few days of school. i have copies of my work! this is thrilling! we viewed our work on tuesday of the last week, and it was powerful - i enjoyed watching everyone's shorts. seeing my name as: "director of photography" was nice! when my instructor handed out some material he made a great joke: "christy x, when will you be christy xxx?" - i said: "that was 10 years ago sal, you're too late, someday i'll show you the pictures!". my buddy ticia sat next to me and laughed! he said: "someday you'll be christy nc-17".
my day has come!
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I hate to laugh at poor skye, but if he is tripping off of having to spend $25 on food for the household, WTF does he think it's going to be like when this baby is born??? aha ha ha haha ha ha aha ha ha. I mean, really! LOL! I remember a pack of diapers, a pacifier (because we were all the time losing those things), baby wipes and some teething biscuits was darn near $25...and that was 10, 11ish years ago! last time I had to buy those. I don't know, maybe those things are cheaper now. well, like I said in the other thread, things are about to get very real on your son and his girlfriend.
I'm glad you set your boundary with him. He has to get it together on his own, you don't need all the chaos and confusion that he is running his life with now. He needs guidance for sure, but he can't get it from you if he is set on doing battle with you.
I am going to check out that film! your recommendations are always awesome.
Vibing great childcare arrangements for mars' care. Visualizing it. it's going to happen. 
I love how school is going for you! that is great news.
But I thought that this article was pretty interesting- http://www.actforyouth.net/documents/YDM%20pdf2.1C.pdf
Apparently brains develop well into a person's 20's....I thought that the part of the article at the very end was relevant to the conversation:
"This new research may also provide a compelling explanation for why adolescents often fail to heed adults' warnings
about such choices; they may simply not be able to understand and accept arguments that seem logical
and decisive to adults. It is also possible that teens are misperceiving or misunderstanding the
emotions of adults, leading to miscommunication both in terms of what the teen thinks the adult is
feeling and in terms of the teen’s response."
I'm glad that you are feeling better Dragon. It's a lot to take in, I can't really imagine. I hope that you two can work it out somehow, and I wish you the best of luck... I'd love to see some of your directorial stuff sometime!
i'm in the process of figuring out what i want to do in terms of displaying my work - myspace will get first crack at it. after that, who knows? i might figure out a way to post my 3 class projects, and then take them down. i want people to see my work!
i like what you're saying and i agree. sharene has reminded me that if it takes men until the age of 25 to be "self aware", recognized their egos and begin to think of other people, then skye has a ways to go.
the hardest part is that skye operates soley out of his ego, what you see it what you get. until he recognizes his issues and actually gets control of them, he's bound to run in circles and continue to live his life this way.
i don't feel 100% bad about putting him out AGAIN, he needs to confront his current situatoin, he created it.
parenting him ended when he left for job corps, he needs to get over it and heal.
it's frustrating as a mother to watch him continuously run on a hamster wheel, in terms of his development - but i do take a certain amount of comfort and satisfaction in knowing that i've done my best, no matter what.
even though it's realistically not "enough", it is what is.
love,
christy nc-17
it sounds like you are setting necessary boundaries (albeit unfortunate). Hang in there mama...it'll get better, right?!?!
slowly, but surely - i was honestly afraid for a few days there! i was not my usual chipper scorpio self!
it's been challenging, but i'm seeing/allowing and searching for the light i need!
thank you for caring!
love,
christy nc-17
Hey Christy it was truly great to see your list!
I admire your fortitude with the Skye scenario, reading between the lines I think at the moment you are making him feel all kinds of uncomfortable and that is being expressed through petty anger and small mindedness ($25?!!?).
Your very presence is a constant reminder of the right road that he is choosing NOT to go down, it makes sense that he would gravitate to a more negative scenario and more negative people at the moment. It sounds like you and your way of life are a constant challenge to his status quo. That seems like the definition of a good parent to me!
Childcare is a challenge, I am extremely lucky in that I can apply for funding that covers 85% of my childcare costs and also KDs extracurricular stuff creates another window of time. Is there anything going on at Mars' school that she could participate in that would help the situation? KD dances all day Saturday from 9.30 to 6pm so that is a great opportunity for me to do stuff and she loves it too.
I know that you can work this out and that there is a perfect solution just waiting to be discovered. Scholarships are a great idea, also are there any film student prizes with money attached? I have won about £7000 in medical prizes through college as not many people actually take the time to enter this stuff!
11 hours to go before I my trapeze workshop starts! I am beyond excited. There is also courses on Cord de lise and bungee dancing where you basically dance with an elastic cord attached to your waist that allows you to jump about 20 feet in the air! This is a life long dream! As a child I was obsessed with the grit and glamour of circus life, grit and glamour is kind of my code!
Has anyone done a film that revisits the circus as a theme from a modern vew point? Not documentary but a dramtisation of circus at its height told today? I always thought the novel GEEK love would be a great film and that you could have the same actress playing both siamese twins! That seems like an Oscar shoe in !
Stay strong love meds
why hasn't this been made into a movie yet? that seems odd doesn't it?
you're a super star lady! you're going to rock out that trapeze class and have a blast! this is truly a dream come true for you! how exciting and cool is that?!!!
i've seen what you're describing, several times on t.v., i love it! enjoy your day, go full force, release anything and everything you want too, when you're flying up in the air! i can picture your huge smile as you gracefully fly through your dreams! i want to hear about what it feels like!
there's a kick ass girl named mystic who's attending central's film program - she's a second year student and likes doc work. she shot her own doc on circus life/showmanship, and is still currently working on the editing, as far as i know.
we saw an amazing doc called: "fast, cheap and out of control" - very weird and exciting! errol morris is the director - it might be about 10 years old, but check it out if you can - he covers quiet a bit, and one of the characters that he focus on is a lion tamer, the circus shots he took are amazing - he splices it with some stock footage and shot it on 3-4 different types of film stock - 16, 8 and 35 mm.
it's great to hear that you get an awesome childcare subsidy, rock it out lady - you're putting it to great use by pursuing your med school full time! you're going to be a doctor soon! i'm thinking about how wonderful that is, right now!
i'm currently up for renewal for mars daytime/afterschool care to be covered again - i'm sending in the papers/forms this week. wish me luck!
it helps to cover me while she's in school, but i work evenings 5-9 m/f. i'm committed to finding safe, quality care for her at night - it's only 12 hours a week, monday, tuesday and wednesday - she's with her dad on thursday and friday, every week.
i hear what you're saying about the prize money, i'm so proud of you for winning so much of it!
you continue to work hard, and you've earned it!
i'm not sure what category this falls under in washington - i'll check it out. the scholarships are there, and i know that it can take up to 6 months to get a letter of approval, but i agree with you, there aren't alot of folks who are willing to take the time out to apply, so much of that money goes untouched.
in terms of skye - you're absolutely right. he's essentially running his own game/life right now, he doesn't want to be "under" the influence of my home, life or opinion for that matter. he's running head first into the ground at full speed. my life path is completely contrary to his, and oddly enough, he's never realized how hard i continue to work to live out my life dream. sharene finds that odd about him, because skye has been the closest person to me in my life overall, but, he's chosen to stay blind to what i do, how i behave, heal and how i've grown, etc. when i've tried to help him in any capacity, he's always gotten upset.
this is nothing new - i was just hoping, that it would change, especially by now.
he's made so many mistakes that were avoidable.
you realize that only difference is that i'm not a mother who's willing to shield him from himself anymore.
i can't and won't do it.
your friend - forever - christyX
I love you d/c.
Sorry I've been less than around, my health is shot and its hard to get where I need to go, sometimes that means the internet (outside of FB anyway). I know this is a really challenging time for you and I think you are making awesome decisions. This was a righteous grats list!
Plus, I FREAKING LOVE THE PINK TREE! I saw one at Borders Books and swooned for hours. *heart* you!
Happy Solstice and World Orgasm for peace day!
lm
hello beautiful!
thanks for being such a great friend, especially when i need it the most!
i know you had posted something earlier in response to the misconstrued "flare up". i meant to thank you then!
i'm sending you hot love and light for healing today!
things are switching up as they should be, i'm letting go/releasing energy, in terms of skye and his situation, as needed - you know what trouble he's been on and off for years now - none of it has been fun or necessary in my busy book!
i'm gearing up for a wonderful christmas and enjoying my time with mars this week - we both head back into school on jan 4th. second quarter is going to be intense, a lot of masterful and wonderful amazing work is headed my way - i have to prepare and research and buy books! get geared up! i need to channel heavy in the next two weeks to get my head wrapped around it.
i love you so much - hearts to you and the girls this holiday!
happy solstice!!
your friend in seattle - christyX/nc-17
love you DC!
And I agree- I'm so glad you are holding boundaries with skye. It must be so hard. But it will be good for him, someday. And good for you NOW (as well as someday).
xoxoxo
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
thanks again for your ongoing support, you never let me down!
i'm about to be asked out on my first date in almost 16 months! wish me luck! i feel like such a major dork!! i'll post more about it later!
you're right - these boundaries are challenging and sometimes painful for me to enforce.
i can only describe it like this: the scorpio part of me, can only tell him that he's fucked up right now, because if i don't who will?
the mother part of me would rather hold onto him and go down with the ship!
and the filmmaker part of me is saying screw you to above two, and says: "shut up, everyone, too bad, we're on this journey, we have shit to do, forget about all of this".
filmmaker wins! (for good or bad!).
i spoke with sharene about this today, and she not only supported my decision, and she helped me gain more clarity on the situation, but she's helping me to move through it/forward, and leave it behind - as long as skye resists my guidance and help, it's a done deal. i secretly know where i need to be right now, inspite of his choices.
she commented on how amazing it was that he continues to act this way towards me.
this is the dirty work of motherhood that nobody speaks of. and i know why.
love you and the mini turtles!
your friend - christy nc-17!
keep channeling, i've said this before but it's like you do it for all of us.
did you know that as we heal as women we are also healing for our ancestors? just food for thought, yum.
i love the pink tree. next year totally i am getting a pink tree with silver and gold decorations. Be your Shining DC!
**Breathe**
i enjoy channeling for myself, i need it. i can send out love and light for people to use, at their disposal - i'm not sure how many other channelers are on board here - am i the only one? i hope not.
pink trees really rock my world - i've seen so many this season, i want several trees next year - a douglas fir, or any kind of fir, something kind of big - a small pink one for my room and a gold or purple one for the kitchen/living room.
have fun this holiday zoe!
take care - dc/christy nc-17!
you made the right call mama.
Gold trees are my favorite. I am lusting after the 'champagne' tree at T@rget.
LOVE the ps. director of photography!
hello nessa! miss you girl!
how is bugsman? how is dave? most importantly: how are you darlin'?
thank you for your ongoing skye support - the situation was loaded for me, it' nice to have him out of my house. $25 was ridiculous, i know!
have a wonderful holiday!
your friend in seattle and all over space&time!
dc/christy nc-17
we're deep in the holiday madness. I have a handle on things though, everything is wrapped, I am anxious for the festivities on the 25th. I made Buggies a gingerbread train and managed to get a picture before it collapsed. It was delicious and that's what really counts Been the year of the fruitcake. My first time having it, got one from the good English bakery in town but the H@rry & D@vid traditional fruitcake wins hands down.
do you have a pic of it on myspace? i'm going to have to check it out!
i know it was lovely, delish & unique! bugs had fun!
you always do up the holidays in high fashion! you make it extra special for the bugsy!
i haven't had fruit cake in years - you're english/harry & david description is making me rethink it!
enjoy your day sunshine!
christy x/dc!
I just put up pictures on myspace, pre and post collapse. You need a facebook so we can play scrabble!
why do i resist facebook so much? i have no idea, i'll come around, i swear! it might take another 6 months, but i'll get there!
hearts and letters!
christy nc-17!
I was a holdout forever but then one of my friends got one & talked me into getting one yadda schmadda.
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you're absolutely right! $25?!! when i reminded him of what he had agreed to, and that i shouldn't have to be responsible to feed a grown adult plus mars, in the house, you should have seen his eyes bug out! he literally said: "WHAT?!!".
i agree - this quickly became boundary 101, 100% my lesson, and it didn't come easy.
he not only didn't appreciate any of my help, but he battled me all the way - especically after sharene mentioned to me that he was trying to "self medicate" with beer, etc. due to his anxiety issues.
after speaking to her about it, i was able to put two and two together, and i realized that he's always had a certain level of anxiety scince childhood, just something slightly "off" kilter - that he's never been able to handle correctly on his own.
when i suggested her comment about possibly taking xanax to just take the edge off his current overly stressful situation, he blew up.
i'm happy to not be involved for the next few months. he's made so many lousy decisions, and he's not any closer to coming to a positive conclusion about anything substantial in his life.
i personally think that this is something that mother's need to face, at a certain point, it's not only out of our hands, but it CAN be in the hands of a child/our children who are completely self destructive. and there's very little or in some cases, nothing, that we can do about it.
i'm laughing right now, because i did mention to him yesterday that $25 wasn't even worth keeping a roof over his head, and it was true!
love and thanks - CX - christy nc-17