I am so sorry that you have this grief inside of you and this cancerous situation. I am sorry for you that you saw the shred of humanity in this man, or that he was able to manipulate you into thinking that he was no a psychic vampire. I bet he as no friends! Wife number 4? Studied the legal system for fun- because he loves drama and stirring the pot and being a slimy asshole who can blame it on the other guy! Sorry, I just don't like men who try and acost their ex by making claims that she is a bad mother once he is disposed of her. And so many, many men ( and women ) do it, but sheesh- I just wish sometimes that our society payed more attention to something like this rather than appearances and money. Like why is this okay? And who is the woman that is letting him do this and how does she sleep next to him everynight? isn't she afraid that hes going to do the same thing to her? All I know is you cannot be afraid. Don't start thinking that every judge in CA is the same, or that what happened with his older boy will happen with you, because it won't. I don't know if you pray or meditate or do anything like that, astrology- I am a believer in confidence and positivity and strength. This guy is full of shit, and there are people out there who may be different from you and i, but they DO work for the system and they can smell a rat. They know this world, they know these men and women and what they are capable of. Come on, wife number 4? Have faith, you love your child- thats evident. This person is provoking you and probably resorts to the three things men do : Your whoring, your not a good housekeeper and you don't make enough money to stay afloat for very long. Thats all he can possibly say or try to. Your not on dope, your stable, your kid isn't attacking other kids with scissors and failing classes and eating his own poo- relax, and know that although you may have to be away from your son if worst comes to worst more than you like, then you will just be improving yourself so the mama you are when you are with him is even more genuine, happy, rested, educated and excperienced. You got this mama, promise!

I'm sorry to hear that......that's awful. I fear the same sort of scenario myself one day. I love your way of celebrating the holiday! A gal has got to do what a gal has got to do. Sounds like a lovely day.

So much gratitude to all who responsed. DC you are PSYCHIC woman- I mean we all know that but you pick up on even the nuances in the situation. Your advice was SPOT ON, and that from a woman who has spent 17 years being a therapist and reading people. If the directing thing doesn't work out, WOW you would be a good therapist/counselor. But mostly thank you for the huge support that came shining through your letter and in fact I think I WAS feeling you around noon today! Thank you sweet lady dragon.

To Med poster (sorry don't remember exact handle) from England? I am also grateful for the wisdom of your post. It really helps A LOT to talk to people who've "been through it" and gotten out of the thick of it. Your story sounds amazing.

I think their are two things that pain me most- 1. that my child has divorced parents period and the unnatural time and space that creates between my son and me, when I adore him every moment and we are so close- it is just WEIRD to have your child from the age of 2-3 spending 1/3 of their childhood away form their mama, and for that matter 2/3 away from their daddy. It just basically sucks. And I lived it as a child too, from age 3. and to add a big insult to that his father has moved far out of our area, which just makes the dissolution so much more extreme and SO much more challenging to give him a coherent school/community experiene 2. that his father is so vindictive toward me and is in this pathological contempt spell toward me, in therapy it's called an "enactment," where someone is acting out something from their past or an inner conflict and the other person has almost NOTHING to do w/ it, it's like they are in a crazy cut off state. Yesterday in a meeting he basicaly said my sister was unimportant, uninvolved, fter she has been the most devoted and involved relative our son and kind to him just to help my boy. It was truly OFF THE WALL but the evaluator has not point of reference. SO he makes stuff up, and she's just left wondering I think. At any rate, all of that is crazy making.

But everyone's advice is good. I think it's a good idea not to go into major debt unless i feel he is really damaging my son. On the other hand someone needs to blow the whistle on him. The evaluator- I think she's on to him but she speaks like Marilyn Monroe when she reprimands him...it is not exactly scary. I am so much more of a compassionate but BOLD couple's therapist. I send bullies OUT of the room... I don't diss them, I just say, "You need to go take a time out, your agenda is off the table right now until you can speak assertively and not attack."
But most therapists are...well insert vulgar term...and don't CALL IT. I will lose a client before I will enable BAD behavior, which is no good for the perpetrator either!

Sorry I am SO rambling.

Thanks Ladies, big time.

that's tough, i'm sorry.

I am not sure if this will be any help, but Legal Momentum may have some useful links and / or information.

don't forget who YOU are. no matter what. you're a professional, you know where i'm going with this. but i want to add a little something and let you know that i'm thinking of you - right now. the channeling part, straight to you heart, will come in about an hour, when i'm at the gym!

and i want to put a twist on this one, because i think it's needed:

here i go:

your ex is a mess - this is a fact, we all know it. not only is this guy still living out all his life time patterns, but he's a downright idiot.

my question is this:

what are you willing to compromise on?

nobody can question where you're coming from, what you've sacrificed, or even whether or not you're a good mom. he's out of line, we all know it. BUT: he's also is totally desperate, right? it sounds like he's trying to rebuild his self image and life right? this is him trying to put the pieces of HIS life back together. in reality, it has nothing to do with you, or your son.

the break up makes me sad baby, i'm sorry. i know you're hurting - dressing up and taking the time to go to a spa was genius. right on for doing this. your heart will heal. it can. it is, right now.

i can hear & feel the isolation and fear in your post, *but there is hope too!* . this is my advice:

i know that you're son wasn't feeling good about visiting them, i know that you have your own concerns *rightly so* about what's best for him and where he should be.

i stand with you 100% in this fight.

do what you need to in order to keep him with you - obviously this is the top priority. for some reason i'm getting this odd feeling to tell you not to go bankrupt doing it. normally, i might not say that kind of thing out loud, but it seems important in this case.

is it safe enough for him to be there 12 nights a month? how do you really feel about this? can you let him go for this long? i ask these questions because temporarily, you're faced with a certain amount of uncertainty. but rest assured, things will work out. you can find clarity in this situation, if you pick and choose your battles with your ex carefully, does this make sense?

your son means the world to you - you've kept your practice thriving, you're working minimal hours in order to spend time with him, he's the center of your heart universe.

nobody can question this.

what would it look like to do this 12 days a month plan?

i only want whats best for you and your son - period. if you need to break this man, just do it, no holds barred.

i personally think it's less about breaking your ex and more about your precious your time, effort and energy, here.

you have an amazing life to live, period. look at what you've created for you and your son!

keep living it, don't stop.

even if a sudden change in custody happens, for whatever reason, nothing will change the bond you have with your son.

your not letting go of him, no matter what. i can't stress that enough.

what does your attorney suggest?

love always,

CxDC

I don't think enjoyed is the right word for your blog post but I certainly identified. I am in a different situation (I have had legal custody of my niece sonce she was 4) but I have definitely had dealings with the legal system and also been blindsided by people having their own agendas over what I see as being a simple and self evident concept, everyone putting a childs best interest first. Well people don't.

I remember the day I realised that not only would many key people in my life never recognise or give me any credit for the serious soul shaking work I put into raising my niece BUT that many would actually actively criticise me for it and attempt to sabotage the process! Amazing but true.

Well here, in my opinion and experience, is the good news;

-I don't know much about the American legal system BUT your kid is 5, if your ex has not filed for these measures on an emergent basis prior to this point his arguments of you being a bad mother are pretty hollow. Either you weren't a bad mother OR you were and he was derelict in his duty; these are the only two conclusions and all the evidence you have for your kid thriving pretty much shows which is true.

- Every day your kid gets older and older and soon the only thing thats gonna count is what he says.

- Lets say your Ex wins a certain amount of custody I don't know what kind of relationship your ex has with your son but what I experienced was, when a child has a parent that is in some way self centred as painful as it is it is better that that child makes that discovery early and directly from its own experience. I feared contact between my (drunk,sick sister) and my niece so much. I thought it would bring everything i worked for in my niece crashing down and sometimes it seemed as though it did BUT now she is 11 and as hard as it sounds she knows the score with her mother she loves her but doesn't romanticise her, doesn't look to her for things that are simply not on offer. She is embedded in her own life and is happy.

I do hope I haven't overstepped the blogging boundaries this is just my experience and some stuff I wish someone had told me when I was in the thick of this stuff. I KNOW how painful this stuff is and I am thinking of you through this tough time. I think it is totally evident what a fantastic mother you have been/are being and I know you will get through this!!