ripe and ready

i really think that if i was doing a homebirth, that i would be much more mellow about the impending delivery of my daughter. here or in america, i just think that being outside of the conventional circle of due dates would be healthier. i am a pleaser. it isn't intentional but it is part of who i am. my reflex is to be polite and accommodating. i don't like to be a burden. i know it is ridiculous in these circumstances: i am bringing life into the world. so it is not so much the looming ideas of induction or c-sections that make me nervous but the idea that going past my due date somehow inconveniences others.

i didn't feel this as much with my last midwife but i knew that at the back of her head she had to consider the 42 week cut-off that my state imposed on all mothers. i found out just recently that except for one of my sisters, my mother had gone to 43 weeks with each of her four children. some women simply gestate longer than others. i am all for relaxing into these last days; i just wish outsiders would leave me in peace to do so.

there is something absolutely mindful about expecting a baby any day. i compared it (perhaps unfavorably) the other night to being terminally ill. you never know how much longer you have to complete normal projects. you don't want to leave loose ends so you are constantly tying knots and checking them to make sure they hold.
the dishes are always clean these days, the laundry folded and put away. even my homework is completed as it is assigned, a drastic change from my typical procrastinating ways.

it is going to happen, it is eventual. i have overcome my feelings of anxiety about the six days in the hospital, about the possibility of missing points from my gpa, about having to call the doctor in the middle of the night. bob marley's three little birds is now my theme song. i feel good. happy to accomplish what i can while i can. i trust my body and my baby. everything is going be alright.
hope you are all well. take care.
xoxo