miscarriage insanity

anybody that ever had a miscarriage ever feel that they should have a replacer baby even though their current lifestyle is not even a place one should consider bringing a curent child into- that the kids they do have are neglected because of school, or work or plain exhuastion? That the idea of becoming pregnant sounds as lovely as waiting in line at a loud Motorhead concert to used the pisser while getting your feet trampled on & shoulder checked by passerby? That if your SO found out you were pregnant he might jump off a bridge laughing hysterically because another small snot nosed screaming brat with a pair of jelly smeared hands were comming to play 56 pick up with his biology notecards only after disesembeling everything in his school bag?

I am waiting on fetus-dear to dislodge from my womb and flop on down and out my soar cootchie. Baby dear, who was not exactly planned but declared a happy event passed away at ten weeks gestation occording to ultra sound. I thought this happened 2 months ago. I was given morphine and an akward vag ultra sound after I came in to the ER holding in a freezer bag a clot of something that was the size of and resembeling a human heart. Perocet and sympathy, and the conclusion that the sack was gone, but I still needed to pass what they kept refering to as, " My abnormal pregnancy". I could have a quick sergerey, or I could insert misoprostal at my own accord and wait for the......? To happen. Well, I took it yesterday along with plenty of oxcontin ( why oh why anybody would chose to do that recreationally is beyond me- they also gave me ant-saseua drugs that are generally prescribed for chemo patients to counteract the feelings of oxy in my case) and now I wait. I wait on the thing I called Barry or Candice. I was sad when I thought I miscarried, and I was over it and decided to get real serious about school and was looking forward to 17 credits next semester, plenty of running and pointe ballet, and now...now I have the remnants of a person I thought was there but wasn't, but is and has no heartbeat clinging to my insides.

And maybe its all the drugs, maybe its all the hormones, but now I want a baby that I have no time for and can't provide for.

Is any of these feelings normal even though they are all so off base?