due date blues
let me preface what i am about to write by stating that i understand that my baby will be here in no time and that it is a beautiful thing that she chooses her birthday. this will (hopefully) be my last pregnancy so i am in no hurry for it to end.
that being said, i am also equally ready for the end. it is natural, i know, that expectant mothers become impatient. i suppose what i forgot about last time (those of you who remember, i went a bit over 42 weeks) was that the waiting is not the horrible thing but the constant preparation. especially this time. i am in grad school and am taking three classes and every week or two weeks i am expected to write these long papers for each class not to mention the participation on discussion boards (which i wasn't fond of before the third trimester so i am definitely not keen on them now). i am trying to keep on top or ideally ahead of the deadlines so that when the baby comes, everything will be peachy since i have to stay at the hospital for six whole days (japanese policy). so every time i finish a paper or assignment, i think okay, you can come now. but she doesn't and then there is another paper and another and i am starting to feel like i will never either have a baby or finish writing these stupid papers. it is frustrating.
i suspect that my anxiety has in the past contributed to delayed birthdays for my children and i really want to go into labor on my own for once. i want to lose my mucous plug, i want my membranes to rupture on their own. i want to have that thought, oh this is it. i have never had it before, i have always been assisted. i worry about my cervix, because that is always the most stubborn aspect of my births. i can have heavy contractions and the urge to push but only be at 7 cm. it is frustrating to feel like your body doesn't work. i want it to work. i have no idea if i am effaced or anything since they don't check that here until labor starts. i've just been told to walk. which is what i do anyway since i am a pedestrian.
anyway, i suppose i am just tired and full and frustrated and these are good signs because it means i am near the end. i need to nap but i need to do chores and homework first. and then, then this baby can come, right? 
anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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Right with you, greentara. I have begun the copious weeping and mental freaking out associated wiht impending labor. The doc just scheduled a Saturday night induction for me (so maybe baby on Sunday) but the hospitals here are barring children visitors, so I won't see my son for 3+ days. Considerable angst there. Try to accept that you won't ever get everything done before baby. I think we get "afraid" to be ready for baby to come, consciously or not, and impede our bodies. That or modern technology sucks and most primitive women may have delivered perfectly fine at 42 weeks, but since we're conditioned to expect a package on the nose of 40 weeks, we grow tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting but I am anxious as a cat on tinfoil about what comes next. BTW, having an OB check isn't always helpful. Been dilated to 2 for a week and the doc stripped my membranes today (ouch) and I still expect that date with the hospital on Saturday night. Big hugs to you and your belly!
You totally deserve it.
I was so stressed out at the end of my pregnancy & tried so hard not to be (my blood pressure went up at the end and although I didn't have any other preeclampsia symptoms they were not ruling out inducing me), and I couldn't walk cos of the blood pressure. I really really really just wanted to meet the baby already!!! Hard place to be, even WITHOUT being in school- phew, mama, that sounds exhausting.
The walking thing-- I remember when my sister was at her due date and we both lived in NYC at the time and we were like oh my god, we're going to have to walk the entire island of Manhattan several times cos she walked so much already. We settled on walking all through several museums and then down Madison Avenue.....baby came the next day and now he's almost 12 (ack!).
I'm sending you lots & lots of "baby come soon!" vibes. Can't wait to meet her, at least virtually!
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
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i went into labor a few hours after the membranes were stripped. i will always remember that first real contraction because i was in line at the local Indian lunch buffet and debated whether or not i should skip the palaak paneer and go home (i didn't. i mean, it is palaak paneer. i needed my strength, right?). so give it time.
why won't they let children visit? because of the flu? or is it a regular policy? i remember i couldn't see my grandmother in icu when she was dying and i was eight and i still feel that was a terrible thing. our sons will be attending the birth but in the waiting room and only because we have no one else to babysit them (babysitters are rare in japan and people rarely look after even their friends' kids).
it is exciting to think that by monday, you should be holding your little one. did you figure out the name? just enjoy these last hours before your family expands. hold your son tight and really the three days will fly by. my husband keeps reminding me of that with this situation that six days is not as big as i am making it out to be. but we mother hens must worry about something. i would rather worry about little details than something bigger. it's a mind thing, for sure.
thanks for the encouragement and i look forward to hearing your birth story! take care of yourself.