pHOto update
Motorboy has got me gi-normousized.
I had my monthly visit with the midwife today. Everything is great. My weight gain and tummy measurements are ideal. My blood pressure is low (as usual) but nothing to be concerned about. His heartbeat is perfect.
We are working on trying to get me some counseling because I am totally freaked out with this pregnancy. I am always kind of bummed out and sensitive in the fall, but this year it seems worse- and the work that still needs done on the house is helping me to feel ultra- anxious and sensitive. I'm still having massive irrational crying fits 2 or 3 times a week. So i think it would be a good idea if I got started with a little therapy to try to prevent a total postnatal blowout.
The house is coming along. We were able to get the woodstove started on Saturday- after 3 days of bone scraping cold nights and one night of rediculous sobbing to the point of vomiting on my part (that was friday- amazing how the unsolvable got solved so quickly after the meltdown). This is the stove with its amazingly complicated (expensive) curvy tubes, and my man peeling the bark off the hardwood stick that is now the clothesrod in our coat closet.
And in order that the heat doesn't immediately leak out into the street the window that was once a hole in the wall is actually a window! Mr Motor had to learn brick masonry pretty much from scratch to get this and the wall behind the woodstove accomplished. Now it just needs to be plastered and we can get onto fixing up that room as a study/guest bedroom.
I know it doesn't look like much but remember it was a freaking hole that was boarded up and gave out to the street.
So all in all I should be happy with the amazing progress that has been made, instead of fretting and crying fits about what's left to do. But i've never been really great at being calm. So there you are. The midwife says not to get all worried and guilty feeling, even if I'm a basket-case there's no reason why that should have to affect motorboy and his adult personality too much.
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looks like you guys put in a lot of work. looks amazing.
and having a really crazy cry is good if you can remember that you are just crying in order to get out the junk that makes you THINK the world is falling apart instead of crying because the world IS falling apart. I heart therapy!
anyhow, you look like a fab pregnant lady and your house looks really cool (even if it is causing you to feel a little crazy). I think your midwife is right, your babe will be fine despite feeling your feelings. he might even be better for it : )
hugs girl,
Lapis
I am so glad for you! I haven't been around much, but I remember you issues.
BTW, irrational cries are part of pregnancy! I never cry & I did all the time while pregnant (all 3 times).
Take care & relax!
The house is looking amazing!!! It really is coming a long way, it's easy for me to see that, especially since I'm not living through it (always hard to live through that kind of work).
You know, I had a kind of freak-out pregnancy. I spent a lot of time being anxious. I wish I had gotten myself to therapy. Totally good move on your part. Took me a long time postnatally to get to therapy too...really hard to set up a new routine like that when you have a new baby. So if you get into the routine of getting therapy BEFORE motorboy gets here-- so much the better!
During pregnancy I had a good deal of guilt about my anxiety too (all those stories about how mom's stress hormones affect the fetus, baby in the long term)- this is very typical for me -- feel big emotions, feel bad about feeling bad, cue shame & guilt, = total meltdown! But I have to say, that I don't think there have been any adverse effects on T. She is totally easy-going and relaxed child! Always has been. So-- for what it is worth.
And now when I have my freak-out/crying jags (just had one this morning!!!), I tell her, "Sometimes mamis cry too" - I work a lot on accepting my emotions (this never happened to me as a child- I was always made to feel bad about them) and letting her know that her emotions are okay too.
Such a journey! I should really write my own blog post...
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
gorgeous, motor! that motorboy makes for one cute belleh, doesnt he?! i'm majorly impressed, by the way, with your hub's masonry work-- i love that he taught himself how to do it from scratch! it looks great.
and my midwife reassured me of the same thing when i was pregnant; when i was about 7 months along DD's dad left me and i LOST MY SHIT. i cried non-stop for like a week, big huge hiccuping sobs that made me feel guiltier and guiltier every minute, like my baby was going to be born sad or something. i broke down during an appointment with my midwife and admitted what was going on and how scared and guilty i felt, and it felt so good to hear someone say "IT'S OKAY. YOUR FEELINGS WILL NOT HARM YOUR CHILD." they kept a close eye on me after DD's birth to make sure i wasn't having any major depression; like i had a one week post-partum appointment that i thought was standard for everyone but realized later that they had scheduled because they wanted to see me in person and see how i was doing, see how i was adjusting. it's wonderful that you're aware of your tendency to get down in the dumps and are preparing in case your post-partum period is tough(like it isn't always, right?!). the best advice i can give you (although i know you didn't ask for any, heh) is to keep being honest with yourself and your friends and family about your feelings now and after motorboy comes. it's not easy to say "i'm NOT okay right now and i think i need help", but feeling ashamed and afraid feeds depression and makes the it worse, which makes the shame and fear stronger, which makes the depression sprial even more, etc etc. i bet your emo phases now are just your run of the mill pregnant-mama-sitting-on-couch-shoveling-ice-cream-into-her-mouth-while-crying-and-watching-a-kodak-commercial stereotype (because i know i'm not the only one who did that, right?) and you'll feel better than you expect to after motorboy shows up, but i'm proud of you for preparing for a possible storm. if there is one i know you'll weather it, mama. you're stronger than you know, and i'm sending you love and hugs long distance. i hope they're still warm when they get there. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
<3
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It's not really just a pregnancy thing. My emotional cup has always spilled over... although it is happening much more frequently now- which is typical when my stress level is high.
When i was a kid i was made to feel that my emotions were REDICULOUS and possibly crazy because I was never any good at hiding them or holding them in. They always come out as crying too. Oh what are you crying about now- that's nothing to cry about- you better stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about.
I hope my doc can set me up with some free therapy to work on all that childhood stuff, because i'm really worried about either unconsciously perpetuating and/or overreacting against and going to far in the other direction of my childhood issues.