I'm not going to feel bad about quitting.
I had no milk with my son. Zero. Nothing. Nada. Trying to breastfeed was a disaster. He'd suck and suck and cry and cry. I thought it'd be different with my daughter.
Well, it's kind of different. I ended up having some milk this time, but it wasn't enough. Suck suck drain. Switch sides. Suck suck drain. Then came the "I'm still hungry" cries. She was losing weight, so we added some formula. I took fenugreek, ate oatmeal, drank mama's milk tea, pumped, pumped, nursed, nursed... still nothing more.
At the pediatrician's office three days ago, her doctor said "look, I would like 100% of all mothers to breastfeed. But in your case, you're depressed, you're a student writing a thesis, and I can get milk out of you. No doubt about that. But it's not worth jeopardizing your mental health. I certainly will support you if you keep trying, and I'll support you if you switch to formula."
So why do I feel like a terrible mother? I'm feeding my daughter. Formula's fine, she's gaining weight now, her color's good, she's very healthy. And my depression is lifting, slowly everyday. So why am I embarrassed in public when I pull out that bottle of formula? Are the breastfeeding police going to come and give me a ticket? WTF is wrong with me that I feel like that? Why do I care if some lactivist sees me with a bottle? Really? Why?
And I also feel a little rejected, you know? I loved nursing, but what I didn't love were the hunger cries after I was drained. But nursing, that was the one thing that I was physically needed for. Baby was hungry, mom fed her! I know she still needs me, but that physical part is gone. Anyone can hold a bottle, but it's mama that can nurse. But wait, no she can't...
It's like there's this amazing experience out there that I'm not allowed to experience. Like my body's not good enough.
I guess I could keep it up if I REALLY wanted to. I guess the choice comes down to breast feeding my daughter but having a mental breakdown, or formula feeding my daughter and keeping my sanity. Not to mention that thesis I'm trying to write. I do have to admit, it sure is nice to not bawl my eyes out after every single feeding. That's me crying 10+ times a day EVERYDAY.
*sigh*
This is today. Tomorrow, there will be sunshine. The next day, there will be roses. The day after that, there will be sunshine AND roses. PPD, it doesn't have to exist for me. And I don't have to feel bad, and no one can make me, and I don't have to make excuses.
And my daughter is so damned cute, I think I'm gonna go hold her!
"Overcome the angry by non-anger; overcome the wicked by goodness; overcome the miser by generosity; overcome the liar by truth." -Buddha
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just wanted to remind you that both ways of feeding your baby are fine and good.
you know, my only experience so far w/ babies is as their nanny. some babies had pumped milk and some had formula and all are well and thriving and love their mama and feel loved and well cared for. as much as you can, enjoy the parts that are going well because you are nothing less than a wonderful mama!
and its sounds like you have a smart MD.
hugs hugs hugs
Lapis!
the obvious answer is that part of you must agree with them, but remember, it takes a specific kind of person to really care that much about other people's parenting decisions.
just because breast milk is healthiest for babies, doesn't mean these "lactivists" aren't losers. they're busybodies like any other, just different branding.
but, if you do feel bad about quitting, that's ok too. you'll get through it. just don't internalize other people's judgments, no one knows how to live your life but you.
gad that sounded queer.
on whether it's a flaw. meaning caring what the AP Mrs Kravitzes think, and quitting breastfeeding. it's totally true that you COULD make it work if you forced it. and if you were in a different place you might. but you're not, so you won't, and you're a kick ass mama anyway and if anyone gives you shit send them to jersey, i'll set 'em straight. their hippy asses will wish they never fucked with vikitty!
Mama, you've done more to try to make breastfeeding successful than most women ever even think about doing. You can honestly say that you've tried your best. And you can say that your baby will be fed no matter what. That's all that matters. I would tell you that you are a friggin great mom, but you totally already know that, I know you do. And it may take a little while to get over the disappointment of it all, that's okay. I still get a little misty eyed about not breastfeeding my babe. But it's fleeting, and then it disappears all together when I crawl in bed beside him, or he gives me a hug and kiss, or just wants mama to read him a book. And I realize that the person that it should have affected the most, my son, does not care!!! He doesn't care that he didn't get to nurse, that he had bottles and formula. And if he can be cool and unharmed by it, then fork anyone else who even thinks their thoughts are going to make me feel bad! Cause I have proof right in front of me that there are more important things in life. You're gonna be just fine, Kitty 
Oh, we totally need a new baby ho!!
I went through much of what you are going through with my first, except I wasn't strong enough to stand up to those feelings of judgment and inadequacy. I limped through maternity leave nursing with herculean efforts, constantly feeling bad about myself for having to pump and supplement, constantly feeling like all of the nursing uber-moms around me were better than I some how. Then I had to go back to work, and she had to get a bottle no matter what (I'm the sole breadwinner) and the embarrassment waned some, but the guilt was still there. It was a really really hard year. I was depressed a lot of it, and my family suffered for it.
Now she's 2 and the most amazing little girl, and it couldn't matter less. It seems so important when they are teeny tiny because, let's face it, they don't do much more than eat. There will be plenty of other things in her life that only you can do, and you'll do as many of them as you can. None of us succeed at doing them all. I think one of the most amazing things about parenting is the major lesson in humility it slaps you with - you do not have control over everything, no matter how hard you try. What you do with what you are dealt is what's important.
Humans thwarted natural selection long ago. If we were lions, women like you and I wouldn't have surviving off-spring, and our genetic lines would have died out long ago. But that's true of a million other physical & mental issues, and no one feels like they are less a mom if they need to take insulin while pregnant to keep their baby alive. People have been supplementing and using wet nurses for thousands of years for a reason - we are not all physically the same.
Focus on all the amazing things you do for your daughter and try not to think about what you "should" be able to do. There will be plenty of times in the next 18 years when those ladies with milk coming out their ears will be envious of your abilities/options/situation too.
Hugs and a huge high five for being fierce enough to make the best decision for you and your family--t
My favorite Dr. Seuss quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Words to live by!
I don't think there's much i can say that other ladies haven't said. You've done the best that you can. I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about. I hope breasfeeding comes natural for me, because i don't think I would last as long as you trying even though it made me miserable. I guess I'm trying to say I think you're great.
Tigerfish Mama
Thanks so much. And also, I really think breastfeeding comes naturally for most women. It really did come naturally for me, baby latched on really well right away, we both seemed to know exactly what to do. The problem was that I didn't have enough milk, and that is VERY rare! I mean it IS hard to get used to, but don't let my horror story scare you!
(okay I know that's really hard, next to impossible for me, anyway!) but charlotte is doing great with you as her mama. i know that just because you don't HAVE to feel guilty, it's not going to magically go away. If only.
All i can say is just keep holding charlotte, cos she IS damn cute!!!! and holding a sweet baby makes a lot of pain go away.
the mama guilt can get us from all sides, doesn't it. eerggh.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
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Maybe it sounded queer, but you're right. For some reason I care what strangers think. And I care what my AP parent's group thinks. Why? What the hell business is it of theirs? I'm feeding my kid and that's all they need to know. Any judgment they place on what I do is their own waste of energy, not mine.
I'm flawed, I know that. One of my flaws is caring what strangers think. I must think I need validation from others that what I'm doing is correct. But I'm smart enough to know that whatever I choose to do is right for me and my family.
It's a flaw. I'm working on it!