Releasing birth trauma that's almost 8 years old?
I'm reposting this from the local KCAP site I post on, because I could use some advice on how to let go of birth trauma from my last. I have seemingly been in labor for close to two weeks now, and I just can't handle it anymore! One of the other members suggested that it could be because of deep-seated fears about labor. I posted this in response.
If anyone has any insight on how to let go of an almost 8 year old birth trauma, I would really appreciate it! Thanks!
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I've kept in contact with my doula pretty intensely. I'm sure she's just as tired of waiting as I am!
My biggest fear, I would say, is having a repeat of my last birth experience. I was dead set on having a natural birth. But my contractions were never regular so the nurses at the doc's office kept saying "wait until they're regular, it's not real labor yet." I had the worst pain of my life and my then-husband and I decided to go to L & D anyway. By the time we got there, I was dilated to a 9! Stupid nurses.
I had as natural of a birth as I could, but I was uneducated. I had no drugs, but I pushed and pushed for two hours with absolutely no progress. Without even letting me know, the nurses gave me pitocin. It hurt! They thought it was funny. Then, without letting me know, they broke my water. It hurt. "What did you guys do?" I asked. "Oh, we just broke your water..." I continued to push, with NO progress, and finally had an emergency c-section because Marc's heart tones were so very low.
I feel confident that the c-section was necessary. However, what I'm still angry about was the pit given to me without my knowledge, breaking my water without my knowledge, and the fact that once Marc's heart tones started to fluctuate the nurse kept leaving us alone in the room to find the doctor without telling us what she was doing.
It was SO SCARY! I hated it. I'm so very afraid it's going to happen again.
That was a really long post, thank you if you made it all the way through! If it's this fear holding Charlotte in, how in the world do I let go of it? My doula keeps telling me to let it go, but it's quite obvious I haven't.
She also convinced me to buy the caulophyllum (the homeopathic blue cohosh) but I'm scared to take it. I wonder if I'm desperate enough? I don't know. The whole thing is really just starting to frustrate me. I wish someone could just predict for me when this baby's gonna come!
"Overcome the angry by non-anger; overcome the wicked by goodness; overcome the miser by generosity; overcome the liar by truth." -Buddha
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You were really violated during your labor eight years ago. Even though you feel the c-birth was necessary, it is technically hard to say this is actually true considering you were not allow to progress naturally. Do you think this may be the case? Or do you know even if you were allowed to labor in a supportive environment where people weren't doing interventions without your permission, if you had the knowledge you have now, that you still would have had a c-birth? I'm asking these questions because maybe this is where the trauma is not because I'm trying to challenge your experience.
This time, you have the support of a doula and an OB who supports your VBAC. All these folks are a part of the new birth story that has been unfolding for a while now. You have information, and are confident you can birth this baby. YOU CAN DO IT. And if medical intervention is necessary for any reason, you still are in control. You are still the boss of your body. Has your doula addressed this stuff with you? You two can have a plan with how to talk about interventions during labor, even when I was in the thick of it with my second, I was coherent and able to talk and reason if needed. Or, when one is suggested by the nurse or OB, give yourself five/ten minutes to discuss it/think about it with your doula. This will help you to feel more in control. Those nurses eight years ago violated you. For no reason. They won't be able to do it again.
You will let go when its time. Your baby will be here soon... Hugs love and support coming at you from florida!
I can attest to the fact that trauma from a previous birth will make your body unable to enter into the new birth process. With my first, it was very similar. I had extreme swelling and high blood pressure so on my due date, the CNM decided it was time for me to be induced. It is not impossible to have a medication free birth experience when you are induced but it is very difficult to do so. I didn't have to have a C-section, though they started talking about it and this made me somehow go into full labor. I felt violated and ignored throughout the entire experience and afterward it wasn't much better.
They took my son away to the nursery to be examined but there was a long wait so we didn't get him back for eight hours. Eight. 8. 480 minutes. He's hardly away from me from that long now, and he's six. Then there was the issue of the IV thingy (it is near my nap-time so please excuse me) that they kept in my arm for DAYS afterward, the injection part so they could connect an IV anytime. Despite the fact that all the problems I had before the birth had vanished as soon as he was born. Despite the fact that my arm started to turn yellow. There are many more unpleasant memories from what should be such a wonderful experience. And of course, when it came time to have my second son, they rose up. Despite my midwife and her grandmother's quilt across the birthing bed. Despite the concerned doula, the loving husband. I went two weeks overdue with Nico and according to the law in my home state, I either needed to give birth or they would perform a c-section. Upon hearing that news, I immediately went into active labor. That is promising, right? But despite the contractions, my cervix was stubborn and would not open. Hours and hours and hours passed, the sun rose and set and rose again. I was a little afraid of the contractions, afraid because if I didn't do well, I would end up in a hospital again. Look at that: I was afraid of failing and being punished again. I think you are feeling the same way. You keep blaming yourself, saying that you needed to speak up, but let me say, what happened last time, wasn't your fault. So let that guilt go. Let go of your attachment to having a natural birth. Every birth is different. You will do your best and your baby will soon be in your arms. For me, my last birth, I didn't get to have the water birth I had dreamed of. My son came into the world far away from that patchwork quilt. But my midwife did catch the baby, as I was admitted and began to push within minutes of arriving so the doctor (my home state doesn't allow traditional midwives in the hospital) didn't have time to get there. The nurses on duty when I arrived were amazing and since everything went well, I didn't have to meet who was on the next shift. I got lucky. No medication, no surgery, no stitches, no IVs, no lost baby. Every situation is different and you need to release yourself into that, let what happens happen. You know you are doing the best you can. You need to be confident like the Sun. You need to feel that you and your baby are at the center of that universe and all those other factors are just satellites orbiting you. If you need to say no, you will say no. You know your body, you know what you need. If they insist, that is because they are not so intimate with you and your baby. Trust yourself. Trust your baby. Charlotte will come, she will, I promise. There is no need for predictions because there is no doubt about it. No one has ever been pregnant forever. You are strong. You can let go of the past because it is gone. Don't let it hurt your present and future. In Buddhism, bad experiences (though we try not to judge them) are seen as a form of debt repayment. You paid off some heavy karmic debt with your last baby. Don't fear that you still owe. Just enter into the space that you need to have your baby.
I will say one thing, I notice that you are busy in the swing of things outside of having a baby. Babies don't work on the mundane schedules of work or school. They are still aligned with a cosmic schedule. The people around you are most likely asking you when that baby will get here. You may not notice it but it is pooling in your mind and making you feel that you are failing because you have not delivered the baby yet. Remember that you know your baby, you know your body, you do not have to be restrained by such a ridiculous thing as a calendar when you are dealing with the enormity of human life.
Relax, drink your raspberry leaf tea, and remember, you are the Sun.
dude. I don't *really* know. I attended a workshop to heal the trauma from T's birth - we did some writing/journaling and some talking and then we did a qigong (spelling???) exercise. A lot crying was also done.
I think your writing it out has probably helped. Letting out your anger (which is entirely warranted -- pinche nurses!!! there, I'll take on some of your anger for you! I'm good at that). Naming your fear, acknowledging it is good, I think (so often we just try to ignore it, which just doesn't work, you know?).
I know you are, you know, so very very pregnant. But I wonder if you can get to some yoga or tai chi or something like qigong class and take the class having the intention of letting go of this birth trauma. I do think this can help. If I were there I'd have you come to my Nia class and make it the focus of class. In the workshop we did this qigong bit (I think one of the facilitators was a student of qigong as well as a therapist) where we offered our trauma up by raising our arms in the air and then bringing arms down palms down to ground ourselves. Something like that. Maybe even contacting a qigong teacher and asking them what simple thing you could do to help. Sorry if this is all too woo-waahy for you (sometimes I get too woo-waahy for my own self!!!).
The babe will come ... this waiting at the end, it's so so so hard, I know. I'm not so sure about the blue cohash, I think it can be a bit harsh (or is that black cohash I'm thinking of?). But I honestly don't know that much about it. It sounds to me like your gut feeling is not to take it, which I think means you shouldn't.
Meanwhile I am sending you LOTS and LOTS of healing vibes. AND GOOD BIRTH VIBES.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
You could sing an angsty birt song in your most melodromatic fake flamenco style. Or paint your old birth picture on one side of a piece of paper, turn over the leaf and paint your new birth picture with you as the reigning queen. Or get naked and draw symbols of power all over your body with purifying clay. I really believe in the power of self devised ritual and symbol as a way of communicating with and therefore healing the subconcious.
I agree with the other posters, too. Charlotte is coming- that's a given. Your birth will be your birth and this time you will have much more power over the situation than the last time. If you decide to have some interventions it will be ok, because this time you will decide- you won't be forced or tricked.
Big hugs and happy birth vibes.
Tigerfish Mama
I don't have any birth trauma, but rape trauma. which is totally different I know but dealing with any kind of trauma works in the same way I am told. Ok the thing is, when you get stuck on something bad that happened in the past, often it's because you may feel that there is something that could have been done differently to prevent the traumatic event from happening. While this is often true, that something could have been done, what is always, always 100% true is that there is nothing you or anybody else can do now, in the present, to change what happened. Really coming to an understanding of this helps you to move forward because you release any control feelings you have over the past.
I know it takes a but of time to set up therapy and you could have the baby any day, but maybe afterwards, sometime in the future you might consider therapy to help work through your feelings on this. short term, a hypnosis session in the next day or so might work really well to get you through the birth. hope this helps! and not trying to tell you what to do or anything, just some thoughts. feel free to chuck!
You, and POB. Both of you. POB, you're right, I was totally violated. And I think that this birth trauma would be substantially less traumatic if the act of violation itself didn't bring up feelings of rape trauma from my past. Again, I was completely violated. You can stop reading if this gets too explicit, but I feel like I need to get this out into a public space. I was abused by a friend of my dad's when I was about six or seven. I thought that I was in trouble, and that was some kind of "punishment", and therefore, all my fault. Similarly, I've felt and awful lot of guilt about my last birth, like everything that went wrong was all my fault. I remember even asking one of the nurses if I was pushing wrong, or was doing something wrong, and that's why little baby Marc wasn't budging.
So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I don't necessarily have birth trauma. Maybe, even after all of these years of therapy, I still have abuse trauma.
But Merc, you're right, there's nothing anyone can do to change the past. And it's like I told my friend yesterday when we were talking about this, I can let the past exist, but I don't have to let it infiltrate my present. All events certainly can exist separately.
I still have contractions that last for about 2-3 hours every day that peter out eventually. But what I've been practicing is that anytime I have contractions and my mind wanders to the past birth, or to the past marriage, or the past anykindoftrauma, I just try to bring myself back to the present and work through that one contraction. No wondering if this set of contractions are going to peter out or turn into true labor. No wondering if this is going to be the same frustrating labor as it was before. No stressing over the past or the future, because it's the now that matters, and the now is wonderful! Contractions are a good thing.
And, I'm bringing my Buddha statue to the delivery room with me. Thanks all you wonderful mamas for all the support! It's truly, truly appreciated!
This is the single biggest thing that helped me during my really long active labor- being in the moment- meeting each contraction on its own. Anytime I started thinking about the future, all kinds of anxiety and fear would creep in.
It's a great perspective you've got going now!!! Love to you both.
And yeah, therapy- it's a journey, maybe some day you can go back and address your rape trauma AND birth trauma.
What happened to you sucked. I have ugly memories from DS's birth three years ago, and it centers around a-hole hospital staff. Things got pretty gnarly, and I know the violated feeling.
I can't "let it go" and I don't necessarily want to because it keeps me on my toes.
I know that the way I was treated was WRONG and that things should have been different, but there is still anxiety there.
The best thing you can do for yourself, is to protect yourself in the future which sounds like exactly what you are already doing. You have the support and understanding of medical professionals who actually listen to what YOUR needs are.
It is sometimes hard to find a physician that looks at you as a person, not as a pile of human meat devoid of any feeling. When you find that caregiver who treats your body as well as your soul, you need to hang on to them, and it sounds like you have.
It is hard to heal, but it sounds like you're on the right track 
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