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a mighty and perhaps magnificent top 10, humps - galore!
1. this is my kind of marriage: 2. so this is apparently what a gravity storm looks like: 3. 4. more of what i want: 5. so tonight i killed the call center - i raised the most money, almost $600 bucks. we cheered eachother on, and joe and i played our usual scorpio antics! i'm a fundraising slut! and it's a good thing to be! 6. my obsession with gravity continues: 7. okay mercury - the best new order song? "regret". what do you think? isn't this the one that you reccomended? i swear it is, tell me if i'm wrong! 8. so i panicked a bit today, i wondered what i had done wrong. i thought about all my financial struggles this year and wondered what i could have done differently. i left shps, i worked the non-profit sector until there were no more haircuts at 7! i swear i've done my best! what could i have changed? not made this film? i would have still ended up going to film school. i need to learn how to make hollywood films, where else will i learn this? i need more help. i keep going. 9. i am ready for more in my life, this is not enough. i will make a new list of things, i will find a way to grow more, live more, be happier, experience nothing but bliss, release the pain and dissapoint in my heart, for good. i will practice what i preach - i want positivity and radiance to engulf my life/heart/soul and mind. i want nothing less than constant joy, even after experiencing the worst heart break/pain. i can do this. i will find a way. 10. i love you clyde! 11. my mom and i have been in constant contact via myspace and nothing makes me happier right now! 12. tomorrow i will rake in even more money for habitat. i like these guys alot! 13. i am bonnie, and i wait for my turn. love you - always, christyX 14. bonus material - my new business cards have arrived, you wouldn't believe them. i put diamonds on them, i think they sparkle on their own. __________________
christy X/christy nc-17 has currently nailed down her first year of film school - and is shooting her first full length documentary/feature in seattle! enjoy it! summer is made for fun!
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let the party begin!
Regret is the ish!
yes that is the song, isn't it awesome! I love love love that song, it is on my top 10 list of songs. New Order is an incredible band, do you know they formed as a result of the suicide of the lead singer of their former band, Joy Division? you know Joy Division, they had that big hit Love, Love will tear us apart...again.
You know what I think about Bonnie and Clyde? with the right education, family life background, and other circumstances, they could have had a nice life. their love was genuine, but didn't stand a chance.
that's great about your mom! therapy is bringing up a lot of stuff for me (like her deliberately putting me in a living situation where she had to have known I'd be sexually abused) from childhood and I am so angry with mine. I can't even hear her voice without gritting my teeth. I know it will pass and we'll be able to talk again. but right now, I miss my mama, I really do.
biz & etsy & books
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
~Jean Anouilh
regret and risky business time!
i'm a little late to the train, but i absolutely love joy divsion, i just got into them this year.
the movie "control" was excellent in my book - but i know that some diehard fans were dissapointed!
i suspect you've seen the movie, but if not, it's worth checking out. i think you would like it.
ahhh the bonnie and clyde thing! i hear what you're saying - it's not terribly practical - but, i would be content to capture their devotion and love, they protected eachother in many ways, right about now, i could get into that! the banits in love rings true to my heart, minus the gruesome ending part! ha! maybe it's more like rebels in lust? i can't tell anymore!
therapy is a mixed bag of tricks, don't you think? it's the best way to heal, you can really cut to the chase, but it also makes you look down a barrel of a gun in some ways. i know why people avoid it - i think it takes nothing short of laying it all down on the line to really heal your heart. give yourself credit for being williing to do it after all these years. you'll make it to the other side, i promise.
the positive is that you're doing the work - i'm sorry that it's brought up issues around your mom and your safety as a kid. do you feel like it's in the past for the most part? are you speaking to your mom right now?
you know that i haven't seen my mother in almost 12 years, maybe longer - i had to just jump in and forgive her wholeheartedly after so much time - i wish that i could have done it sooner! i've vowed for it to never take 20 years for me to heal over anything!
i mean it!
forever,
christyX
christy X/christy nc-17 has currently nailed down her first year of film school - and is shooting her first full length documentary/feature in seattle! enjoy it! summer is made for fun!
well I used to think it was in the past
But then my mom and dad did something very strange regarding the safety of my daughter when she turned 18. That basically let me know that everything I'd been feeling about my parents, my mom especially, all these years is true, it wasn't just me being paranoid. My parents...want all their kids/grandkids to have some kind of trauma in their lives. They really do.
I am willing to forgive my mother and father and siblings for lots of what they did, the problem is they keep trying to drag me down. I can only have a relationship with them on their terms, terms of jealousy and anger and fear and tearing down. They are very angry and disturbed by the changes I have made in how I communicate and interact with people, they keep trying to force me back into the old me. So I have severely cut down on the amount of time I spend with with them and how I talk to them. family or not, I have to protect my mental and emotional health and I don't have to spend time with people who are emotional vampires, you know?
I have talked to my folks twice this year and next month is my 20th high school reunion so I will probably visit them for a short time (2 hours max) while I am in town. other than that I will call them at Christmas. My siblings, I speak to only via email or facebook. On the phone or in person they jump very quickly into screaming and attacking, stuff like 'You think you're better than us!' and stuff like that. Basically, that is all they want to say to me seems like.
I don't think I've seen that movie, will have to check it out. thanks!
biz & etsy & books
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
~Jean Anouilh
i hear you
this feels uplifting, adventurous! i like that feeling/idea!
i also think it's great to keep in contact with people/especially family via the internet when the phone option doesn't work as well.
i can say that both you and your young/adult daughter are safe, period. you know this - no matter what they try to impose on you, say or do, you're okay.
old patterns/ways can be challenging to cut through. i support you leaving behind what you need to.
permanently, temporarily, whatever fits/works right now.
you already know the drill, people are "invested" in us being a certain way, holding certain energy for them, etc.
in the past year i've let a lot of relationships go that weren't working for me - the unconscious "contracts" needed to be ripped up, whatever. this is growth, this is saying: "i'm not going to do this for you anymore". that's all.
and what i'm learning right now, is that it's not even personal. on either side - this is just the way it is. i'm also discovering that i'm not the same person anymore in terms of my family, my new role and what i think or how i feel about my situation, etc.
in the past i chose to walk away and not deal with my mom, etc. i honestly didn't know how, and didn't want to engage negatively - i think we both needed time to grow and forgive ourselves, etc. funny enough, the only thing i could change was my intention, and this time around, the only thing i wanted to say was that i loved her. i would like to rebuild our relationship from the ground up, and make it a positive one for both of us.
but it's taken 20 years on my part! can you believe it?!
i think you're doing great, you're taking the steps towards healing, and some people will probably need to be left behind in order for you to do it, right now.
i'm currently manifesting new friends, new people in my life. i always want to strenghten the ties to the old friends i have and replenish those relationships that work.
meeting new people are an opportunity to do something different, make new unconscious/spiritual contracts with folks who are experiencing the kind of growth that i am, etc. even more! i want people who have more than i do, folks who have already experienced the kind of career/success/relationships/money that i am aiming to achieve.
they're out there - you'll find them too!
i'm also a firm believer that family can be friends, and vise versa.
forever,
christyX
christy X/christy nc-17 has currently nailed down her first year of film school - and is shooting her first full length documentary/feature in seattle! enjoy it! summer is made for fun!