at night i dream of other men
no, there is nothing sexual to my dreams. in my dreams, they do things for me like cook dinner or give me a massage. they take the kids to the park and talk to me. these are things my waking life husband can't seem to manage. you see, we've switched roles again and now he is working (substituting for me while i am on maternity leave) and i am the high priestess of the domestic realm. i do everything now. cook, clean, laundry, lesson plan, tutor the kids, everything, above and beyond what he was doing when he was home. besides for buying groceries and making sure the kids didn't kill each other, his principle occupation when he was home was to surf the internet, looking at stuff he wanted to buy. for himself. so now when he comes home this is immediately what he starts doing. we don't have any money these days as we are saving for a birth and a big move so he is just window-shopping for hours. while i trudge up and down the stairs, doing everything that needs to be done in order for the house to function and for the kids to be comfortable (they are highly sensitive so disorder makes them a little nuts which in turn makes me nuts) he's sitting in front of the computer, looking at computers or clothes or, later on at night, girls.
i don't want to be a martyr and if i ask him for help he accuses me of being such. i am eight months pregnant, working on my grad degree full-time, and living in a foreign country. i wish i was near someone i could talk about this with but i'm not. does anyone have any suggestions on how i can approach my husband without having him retreat into himself even further? i really need some support from him but i can't figure out how to express this in a way that will make him take true action, not just temporary fixes. i am also the type of person that hopes their partner will figure these things out on their own so even having to ask for help from him makes my heart hurt. please, any advice is welcomed.
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if this is the type of marriage he wants, and listen carefully to the answer. because it may be, and if it is, there is no steering him away from it. if it's not, he'll look at the situation and take steps to remedy it. that's what i would do, rather than ask him to change in specific ways. i find the latter approach breeds loopholes and caveats and competition for who does more, but if you approach him like an adult who knows what she wants and respects what he wants, you may get an honest answer out of him. plus it shows you're serious, as opposed to picking on him.
i know that feeling very well. and in fact, when it put it in those terms to Mr Filth, it rang true for him. but again, it's because he didn't want to live like that, not because of anything i said. i really believe that when the dynamic/labor division is wrong, there is nothing you can actually say to change it. it just is. you can't phrase it the right way, you can't approach him at the right time, you can't make him see it's unfair if he doesn't want to, or if he's comfortable with shit being unfair. i think men in these positions (and yes, it's very common, and yes most women hide it) are in fact adults, making their adult choices and we get scared and try to rationalize our way out of accepting that our forward thinking men act just like their fathers in this regard. that's why i say the real question is "is this what you want?" because if it is, there is nothing you can say to change that, people can't help what they want. and if it isn't, he will need room and space to make whatever changes he thinks he should. but it's not something we as their partners have control over, no matter what we need from them.
This post and your previous posts make it sound like he's just not ready to step-up to the reality of his life. For whatever reason. I don't have advice, except that it seems like a BIG deal to me. And I'm not sure there's anything you can do to change it, besides keeping the focus on you and the kids.
But what I want to know is: Why do some people need such a long incubation/maturation period? Why does it feel so much easier to duck and hide? What compels us to shrink away from what is vibrant and real, to turn ourselves off, isolate and separate ourselves from what is truly life enhancing? This is the life question I am most interested in. Why do some people want to, and strive to fulfill their fullest potential, while others feel scared, inhibited, depressed, uninspired . . . to do so? What's this all about?
I hope for your sake that the next month is as grace-filled as possible, and that that man sees the light sooner rather than later!
you're so close to giving birth, i want to keep this positive! i appreciate your openeness and honesty. i think situations like this are still common , but nobody wants to say it.
my 2cents:
i think what you're describing sounds pretty serious, the fact that this this situation has been going on for so many years, pretty much says says it all.
i would encourage you to get into counseling, the sooner the better. even if he's not willing, do it for yourself - your man doesn't sound engaged at all, and you don't sound happy. we all know that life/reality has it's own flux, but when a situation gets to the point of being intolerable you need to take your a for yourself, your life and your dreams.
what can i say? i've been there and done it - when i first read your blog, i felt angry, and then sad. i can relate to what you're describing. and on a personal note, it didn't get better for me until i did something about it. sharene taught me the "you get what you tolerate" line and i stand by it.
people can change, but at what cost? if there's no reason to move forward, why do it? if you're willing to do his share plus yours, there's no reason for him to do anything else.
i say this because i ended up emotionally bankrupt from doing such a thing, and it was challenging to restructure my life, but i did it.
you can make whatever changes you need to in this situation, for you and your kids.
in my situation i left nothing up to chance, it took me a few years, but i left on my own terms. prior to leaving, i waited for someone to "wake up" and "go back to who they were before the crash" and it never happened. it didn't mean that i didn't love that person, but in the end i figured out that my happiness was the most important thing. i love myself more as a result.
you have options, and you can create the kind of life that you want to live.
believe in yourself and love yourself - hearts, christyXDC
hey homegirl,
i appreciate your bravery, just putting it out there in the world helps to change things.
i hear you about the asian community vs. counseling - how long will you stay in japan?
i would strongly suggest checking out a kick ass book by david deida - "dear lover" - this guy is a healer & master of the feminine & masculine dynamics between men and women, realtionships etc.
he talks about how couples can literally depolarize eachother, and how things/communication can get out of balance.
i've used this book personally to gauge the right kind of man for myself, how to communicate with men and what types of men are able to give me what i need.
this book taught me more about my feeling's as a woman, etc.
don't put yourself last on the totem pole - this makes me so sad to hear this! sharene taught me that the true success of a family depends on how well the mother is doing - you deserve only the best in this world, period.
supporting what he used to be or "could be" doesn't help either of you today. does that make sense? if he can't even own up to his own "potential" what good does it do him in the long run? it helps to keep a "high vision" of someone when it's real. sharene has taught me when a person shows you who they really are, you need to believe it. they aren't lying through their actions.
can i add one more thing, please? you've mentioned his family and history - how they've dealt with issues, etc. people get stuck in patterns, etc. and if he's not aware of it, that's one thing - but, he's an adult and needs to own up to his decisions/actions, no amount of family history is to blame here.
surfing the internet for girls/window shopping is not a result of his history. i realize that you didn't say that outright, but i'm a firm believer in taking action today, no excuses, people need to recognize their patterns and put something better/positive in it's place before they can even move on.
he's avoiding a lot here, a new baby, a different life, etc.
none of it has to do with his family, it's all up to him to change it and deal with it.
i never intend to sound harsh or rude, i think you know where i'm coming from when i say this.
hearts,
christyXDC
short term: ask him directly. for example, when you are getting things done about the house, ask him directly for help without any context or commentary. just a direct response that requires a yes/no answer. Will you cook dinner? don't say anything else, just wait for an answer. unless he's a total jerk he's going to say, well ok or yes or something in the affirmative. if he asks why you can't do it, don't get into being 8 months pregnant and tired and all that, just calmly say because you don't feel like it. then repeat the request again. Here is one of the keys, the next night ask him directly for something else. Will you pick up the floor? every night ask him clearly for a short, specific chore to do. This gets him in the habit of doing real work around the house. Another key is, don't ask the moment he gets home from work, let him relax for about an hour or so then ask.
when my husband and I were in the thick of this, often I wouldn't even ask (because at the time my husband really was acting like a jerk and he would just as directly tell me no LOL), I'd just tell him straight up what to do. Like I need you to go to the store, and hand him the list. He'd huff and puff but he'd go. You will have to stand firm and not let the huffing and puffing and/or retreating into his shell dissuade you. This is a grown man, he can and will help about the house, he can and will help with parenting. But you are also a grown woman who has to require this of your partner.
long term: ya'll need counseling in a serious way. one thing you will learn is that your husband is not a mind-reader. He truly doesn't know that you are hoping he will figure this out on his own. which doesn't excuse his behavior at all, but you do need to require more out of him as a husband and father. A marriage counselor can help you communicate this to your husband and help him to see that he needs to step up. The counselor will also help you to stop being/acting like a martyr, to communicate your needs in your marriage in a positive way that helps you get your needs met. You both need help in seeing and then breaking negative patterns of communication and interaction with each other.
is the counseling an option where you are?
It's a hard thing to go through! I sincerely hope ya'll make it.
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thanks. that is exactly what i am trying to convey. i have become mute on the subject namely because of those loopholes and competitive talk. it is more of a chore because then i know he is contributing not because he wants to but out of obligation, which is not very sustainable. it is funny that he knows i back down if he uses the martyr word because it was how i always described my mother but in truth, he acts just like her in many ways. he'll suddenly be a fury of busyness if he feels criticized, scrubbing and organizing but it is done in a rage, just like how she did it. then later, he'll collapse from all his work, forgetting that life requires regular maintenance. i don't want to pick on him. i also don't want to be the only adult in the house. i want a marriage, not a servitude. thanks again.