Snapshot of an Update

I'm moody and it's after 4 a.m., so what else will I do but write. I just finished reading _Middlesex_ by Jeffrey Eugenides. Awesome book, but a hard read in a lot of ways. Takes you back to the insecurities of life, the pains, rejections. It's a very enlightening book, too, though. Mainly about Greek culture and, on a basically unrelated note, a particular intersex condition. Fascinating. I checked it out, sparked by my neighbor girl's curious whisperings that L@dy G@g@ is intersexed. I realized while we were having that conversation (in which I probably opened her mind a little farther than she wanted it to be) that I know very little about intersexuality, and decided to start doing some research. I'm fascinated.

On other fronts, I'm depressed. I think 60% of it is due strictly to having been unemployed (well, okay, SEVERELY UNDERemployed) for over four months, now. I'm job hunting now in Washington, and I have some hope in some ways, but not for anything deeply fulfilling. I just need to get back on the horse and have a reason to actually get out of bed in the morning and, oh, put deodorant on. The lack of structure and schedule is making it so that I never get ANYTHING done. It's a huge deal if I actually do a load of laundry or a sinkful of dishes. Pathetic.

I'm hopeful but realistic about the relationship. I'm soooo excited to be out there and hold my loves again. They've had some rough times the last couple of weeks, and while I don't maintain some goofy fantasy of resolving everything, some issues will be made better by my being there. But I'm dreading the actual moving. The leaving. Not the arriving somewhere new, I'm kinda excited about that, but it's the leaving I'm sad for.

I'm calling the university's graduate school counseling program to see if they can get me in a couple of times before the move. I need to talk. I need to talk about the relationship in an emotionally safe environment where I don't feel like I'm automatically going to be on the defensive. I need to voice my fears about the move without people questioning my choice. This is something I need to at least try, and if I'm back in six months or a few years, then at least I know.

My mom still can't talk about that with me, but we are at least talking again. We were supposed to have a family reunion here in town before I left (pretty coincidental timing). While usually these projects fall apart by day 2 or 3 of the actual reunion, this one was aborted before full gestation due to the drama that is my extended family. I'm somewhat thankful to be spared said drama, but I am very hurt that I'm not going to see Dad before I move. Mom said he isn't coming now because it would just be to see me, and seeing me makes him really emotional because of my moving. With his MS, getting worked up really drains him, and he doesn't bounce back to 100%. I wouldn't want to feel guilty for basically making his MS worse, but damn, I wish he and Mom could just spare me their grief, right now. I'm moving to a different time zone, not a different country, and planes fly fast. They'll probably see us as much living there as they do here, because lord knows no one can make that drive more than 2-3 times per year.

Oh, and last night, I ended up having sex with a good friend of mine. He's in the single parents group as an assistant organizer. He's like 47, if I remember right. (Yeah, I'm 25. Yeah, his eldest child is the same age as my little brother.) Usually the transition from friends to friends with benefits is fairly smooth for me, but I really care about him and he's not in the greatest emotional state these days (horrible divorce). I'll talk to him tomorrow to get the phone number for that counseling department, and hopefully things won't be weird. We talked about it a fair amount, and he basically said only time will tell. He's been on my mind a lot today; I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope he doesn't regret me.