I wish I had somewhere to run TO.

Somewhere chill, and forgiving, that sees my heart, and can wrap me up and cocoon me while I shake. I feel like such an ass, on so many different levels. I feel so incredibly incredibly foolish and I'm completely humbled by my own decisions.
S/O and I are splitting up, finally. I'm not really talking about it, because it's not really *done*, but we're close. We're functioning through life events right now, but I'm hoping he'll move out by the end of the month. I'm hoping he won't turn around and fight it. It'll be harder for him, but omg I am so done. It seems so clear now that i've been fighting this uphill battle, trying to prove something, to be something, to make him and our partnership into this thing that it's NOT. And it will never change, we will always revolve in our dysfunctional dynamic, and for what? I am having this glimpse at what my life could be without him and I like it! I like me, and my family, and our possibilities. It feels like such a fucking relief. I'm scared and all that, too--but another time. I haven't told my friends. At one point I was a single mom with lots of single mom friends, and now it's five years later and I'm partnered and my friends have partnered up and all our new friends are coupled, and you know how that game goes. You cheer each other on: 'stick through it/grow together/do it for the kids/this will pass/blah blah blah'. and I don't want to hear it. I've been hearing it, I've been doing it and I think it was a mistake. I want to be congratulated, and supported, not made to feel like a failure. I feel like a failure, okay, I get it. My partnership with him is not what I want for my life and it's not too late to change that. I am 30. I have 2 kids (by 2 men!). The one will be devastated and it will rock her world and I will feel so shitty for it. The other will probably be relieved, that I can parent him more since I won't have to be parenting my partner. i see this now.

I'm quitting smoking. This is day 7 or 8 with just half a rolled cig a day. I'm crying all the time, like really any second that I'm alone--between clients, in the bathroom, in the car. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I'm detoxing. I've tried everything otc 2 or 3 times, and I'm going thru a hard time anyways so I decide to give wellbutrin a shot, but hey it turns out nobody will give me any. I don't have insurance or a regular doctor, the walk-in clinics don't deal with smoking cessation, and every clinic I've tried to get a cash appointment with can see me in 3-4 weeks. All the state sponsored quit lines that I've always been too cool to call are worthless--if all I needed was a phone in counselor to quit I wouldn't really have a problem. All I want is a script--why is that so hard?

And, my kid got kicked out of church camp. We've been going to the UU church, which is very inclusive and in line with my values. They have a notoriously wonderful middle school youth group, which is primarily why we started going. Because while my son is wonderful and smart in many ways, I have struggled with him the last year or two. This has been a hard, transitional age for him--I see him trying on different personas, figuring out how to behave socially, testing boundaries. He's a good kid wearing black nail polish and trying to see what he can get away with. So I signed him up for this interfaith camp that is labeled as a regular camp with all the fun activities and the kids are from different spiritual/religious backgrounds, so it's pretty much about tolerance. Buddhists, Muslims, Christians...I think ds identified as pagan on his sheet. He didn't really want to go and I kind of coerced him into it (it was a week long camp on a sliding scale!). So a few days ago they (the interfaith camp coordinators, not my church) sent out an email with a list of what to bring. Ds apparently sent them a return email questioning some of the policies: "why can't kids bring money? " his tone was rude and disrespectful (he ended it with 'you're sending out a lot of emails, camp hasn't even started yet for christ's sake.") and I got a call yesterday dis-inviting him. oy. His email was out of line, no doubt. I'm embarrassed and disappointed. He's lost his computer priviliges, wrote an apology, and will be doing a lot of chores while he's home instead of off having a good time at camp. But I'm also horrified that he would be excluded like this--what is wrong with people? This is supposed to be an organization to support and teach kids and they're saying he's not welcome cause he was a snot? Um, he's 12! He's learning how to engage in respectful dialogue, which I thought was some of the point of this camp. am I wrong here? It's okay to tell me if I am, I'd really like to hear other perspectives. I spoke with the camp lady on the phone and agreed that his behavior was inappropriate, and also let her know I didn't find her decision very Christ-like or that kind of exclusivity something I wanted to align my family with anyways. I am composing my thoughts to present to the youth folks at my church--I don't want to pin it on them, they don't even know anything about it, but I still feel some doubt on if we should be there.

I went on a big spending spree. I don't even want to think about it.
A doctor who refers a lot--like half my business--to me is irritated with me. I think she sees herself as something of a mentor to me and I really appreciate it. She has a hugely successful practice and always feeds me little tidbits of advice when I treat her...but because I owe her so much our dynamic feels a little wierd now. I want to be confident, skilled, inspiring, grateful, humble. But not a bitch, I don't want to be anyone's bitch. She hasn't tried to make me that, but I am feeling like I'm supposed to be sucking up (without sucking up) more or something.

On the bonus: I'm gonna trade in my minivan for a prius once the man is gone, I can't wait. I'm gonna take the time to exercise more. I'm going to LA for a conference next week--I think that'll be really restorative. I'm gonna get a full mani/pedi before going cause I've already blown my budget so bad I might as well look good.

Thanks for listening, all, I needed to say it. your thoughts and vibes are welcome.