Single (or once single) Moms of older children...
I don't know if it is because my kid is a a boy, but my 13 year old really resents that I had him so young, and that his dad is a douche. Understandably, he holds me responsible for any hard times we have had, and that I chose a crappy dude to be his dad. He tells me that I am like a "half-mom" because I had him when I was 19, and that he doesn't see me as a mother, but just "someone who had me."
He feels like I ruined his life because I was a single mom, and didn't have the money to do certain things, and he didn't get a "normal childhood."
Now we are in a situation where I am engaged to DP who has two kids, and we are really happy, and by "we" I mean everyone but my 13 year old. He seems to thrive on negative attention.
On a positive note, DP has an almost 3 yo son, that my 13 yo adores. He takes him out to play in the backyard, helps him with whatever, and plays with him---maybe because the almost 3yo loves him without any expectations or anything??
I'm just really frustrated with the whole situation.
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maybe let him know that his feelings are valid and he has the right to feel the way he does. be supportive of his feelings and express to him that it's great he feels he can share this with you. Try not to take it personally or infect your feelings about him because this is something he is working through. trust mama it's temporary and he will work through it ok with your support and help.
I had my daughter when I was 17 and we had hard times, including her see me get beat down by her bio dad many times. She also witnessed me have a postpartum depression breakdown in which I nearly killed her baby brother and I lost custody of him for a while. and then less than a year after that, we got evicted from our apt so I had to send her and brother to my folks for a whole summer. so it took many years of stability afterward for her to trust in me and feel safe in her childhood. initially she seemed ok, I had got her counseling way early for the stuff with her bio dad, but when she was a young teen she did express negative emotions about early situations in her childhood...and I was ok with it. but it was hard at first not to take it personally and not to get all martyr-ish about it. I had to be supportive of her feelings and let her know she was right to feel the way she did. because in truth, her early childhood was a grim situation, denying that would help neither of us.
Also keep in mind your son is getting into that teen boy phase, which is a lot of general stank attitude on a grand scale. My older son is now 14 and the attitude! can be hard to bear sometimes. it's just temporary, like when they were 2! they will outgrow it. Overall my son's inner light and goodness shows through, but boy can it set your teeth on edge sometimes; the attitude.
It is very hard to go through and while his feelings are valid, if it wasn't this it would be something else. teen boys are something else and many go through this nasty attitude, poor-me kind of phase during the early teen years. they get those first major surges of testosterone and it's on, the angry attitude. It can be scary for us as mothers too to witness, but for real it's usually nothing more than a temper tantrum like when they were toddlers. but a 13yr old boy acting out all angry is/can be much harder or scarier to be part of than with a wee boy...but it is just a phase. keep talking with him and letting him express his feelings, and offering up solutions. Like ask him, in what ways can I be a better mom now? or How can I rely on your help with this? What do you feel would be a solution? this lets him know he's needed and a valued member of the family. and just repeating over and over to him that you respect him as a person and his feelings are ok.
true I don't know your son but it really sounds like he's just acting out and working through his valid feelings about his life and childhood. it will pass! and family counseling can be a big help too. as can involvement in a sport or activity he enjoys to manage the anger and restlessness and high-tension levels he's experiencing as a result of getting into puberty. I think if not for football my 14yr son would be breaking though the walls LOL 
Really, I think that's part of it. They can just be really stinky nasty around this age, and don't like anything--so you gotta keep it in context. You've done the best you can, right? You prob have your own feelings of guilt and not good enough and all that (I had my first at 18 and have struggled with trying to prove myself) and so it's easy for him to pick up on that and play on it--it's an easy scapegoat for whatever's not 'right', which is prob most about anything for him right now. Not that his feelings aren't valid, but it is what it is and I think you've got to frame it up that way--hey, you had him young. his dad's a shit. okay, now what?
Also, I've been watching the Gilmore Girls, recommended by someone on here, with my preteens--about a teenage mom and her now teenager. I recommend it for y'all, as a reframe (hey, it could be cool to have a younger mom...)
good luck sister. keep us updated.
Definitely I struggle with all those not good enough feelings, although now, I am more confident.
Maybe I will check out the Girls. Part of the issue with my son is that he is like a carbon copy of me. So we process things the same, and fail to understand the same kind of things, and this makes it hard to communicate with each other--if that makes sense.
AND---I am having a hard time figuring out what is "normal" 13 yo behavior and what is him having some issues with life.
I think I am gonna schedule some therapy for us, maybe just the two of us to start with, or him alone if he seems into it.
my daughter is grown now and on her own and she and I have a close, warm bond. She just had to work through her feelings during that age period, I would say by 15, 16 she was over it. My daughter...is a very kind person so I feel it hurt her spirit to have to say those things to me, so I know she must have deeply needed to say it, to express her feelings so she could move forward. She needed to feel safe in telling me that. Now she's proud of me as a mother, she tells me often she thinks I am a good mother and I'm a doing a good job with her brothers.
so frustrating as the situation may be to you, he needs to go through it! He will move forward with your continued love and support. I think his bond with your fiancee's son is wonderful and shows his family love is still there. The anger at you, his bio dad, his birth and early childhood situation, he just needs to work through all that. I am sure you and DP will continue to beam him love and support and he will be fine! (((hugs))) and vibes through this time!
It definitely helps to get a little perspective.
I've certainly heard some of what you describe from my (12yo) daughter over the past couple of years. It seems like "my life is crappy and its all your fault" comes with the age no matter what your level of income is.
I do think its something that she just had to work through, but there are things that have helped. We've spent a lot of time alone, having maybe more philisophical but honest discussions about values, materialism, that kind of thing. You have to talk about these things when your alone and relaxed, not when that teenage bile is spilling out and all you can think is how unreasonable your child is being and how upset he is making you.
I know she probably still wishes she could have lived in a big house with a pool in the backyard and lots of dogs and cats and a mother that only worked part time, but she's also gotten to the point where she knows that things in her past have made her "what she is today" - probably more flexible, resilient, and independent. And for us there are a lot of fun things that we've done that her friends haven't.
But really I refuse to tolerate the negative behavior. If she wants to be mean to me, then I won't drive her to her friends' house, and no thank you I don't feel like picking up a pizza we have brocolli and salad in the fridge.
The other side of this is that even though I never received child support, and for years have spent 60% of my income on rent, I think we've had a pretty good life so far. There are a lot of people in the world less fortunate, and sometimes our kids have to be reminded that their frame of reference is kind of screwy.
Definitely yes to the whole financial frame of reference--although we have had hard times, right now we are doing pretty good really.
I am thinking some family counseling for us would do us good, and maybe just some more time, and maturity.
I hope that everything works out for you and your daughter too. I guess I remember not liking my parents when I was younger, and I guess it's part of the whole parent child relationship thing.
Thanks!
He will get over himself, he really will.
My mom was really young too when she had me; and I remember at that age feeling like I wasn't even part of the culture I was living in because "everybody else" had this stable home life that I didn't. People I knew had both parents, they had a house, nicer cars, blahblahblahblah... It was a big huge deal to buy me a pair of Guess Jeans, I hated that, my friends had like six pairs and it didn't even matter. It wasn't just about the money, it was about the lifestyle. We lived in a series of rental houses and apartments in an upscale suburb. I really thought that every other kid had it better and it was all my hippie weirdo mom's fault and she wasn't even the right kind of hippie! Aughghghghgh! Nothing is fair!
Now that I'm a grown up I can see that I was being a narcissistic little brat and my mom; whom I loved and trusted most; whom I knew would allow me to use her like an emotional punching bag for a little while; was a safe person to do that with. That was the big, obvious thing to harp on. The other kids are bitching at their parents about stupid things too. Like why do you have to drive a Volvo? You only have that car so that people will think you're Sooooooo safety conscious. You aren't fooling anyone, mom. Only losers wear loafers. You're trying to make people think you're all professional but you're not. Etc. I actually heard my friends who had that perfect package of ideal american life (to my 13 year old warped mind) say things like that to their parents. And I was like, it's not a broken down junker car like my parents drove, why complain? Or, they are dressed like a grownup dresses, what's the problem?
I just saw this comment, and it really made me feel better.
"it was all my hippie weirdo mom's fault" -----that was the best part, that is me, that is how my kid feels! Exactly how he feels.
Thanks, again!
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I agree about his feelings being valid, because, hey, he didn't ask to be born into this life and all, and I definitely have (and still do) struggle with guilt about him suffering because of poor decisions on my part.
He tests to see if there is anything he can do to make me not love him---or something like that it seems.
I have told him that it's okay for him to be angry at me, at his dad or whatever, but at some point he will need to let it go as best he can or his anger will just hold him back.
"trust mama it's temporary and he will work through it ok with your support and help."----this, what you wrote, is good, but I fear that he will grow up all angry and taking out his issues on the world, but I also hold on to this hope, hope that he will, as he gets some more maturity and age on him, that he will start being able to work through his feelings without starting WW3 at home.
Ugghhh---I guess I just get frustrated some times---