I just don't know....
how to do this
HOW oh HOW do I balance the finances, make my kids eat leftovers for lunch at school of the iffy conglomerate meal I made out of any contents of my cupboard that didn't sound gross put together, spend about 6 days a week away from them (and none of it is personal time), spend all this time away to work work work and I can't even take them out for ice cream or pizza without sacrificing something else (like toilet paper)...
I always feel like such an ass when I spend some money on myself - classic out of control symptom- spending money you can't spend because shopping makes me feel like I have some choice - like I work so hard for a reason.
I know this girl - sort of a friend...??? (up for debate)
she lives in subsidized housing (I'm on the wait list) - both kids' dads spend some time with them (so she gets time alone) - she works from home about 3 hours a week...she gets aid (I am all for that, I get aid too but not enough really to help - food stamps keep me from starving) and her family helps financially under the radar of the 'system' - she can afford to have a car, has a bunch of friends and dates. I guess, maybe a lot of that is my bad. I'm just too tired on my one day off and I miss my kids toooo damn much to run around.
The terrible, catty reason that I don't hang out with her anymore? Here's an example: I work on the downtown square and we have Friday picnics there with music. She was there - right in my line of site today - While I worked through my 'lunch break' she danced on the square while her friend hung out with her kids. She had a lunch out and I had a weird corn tortilla wrap thing (because that was what was in my fridge after the kids got the good leftovers)
Yeah, I'm bitter. Yeah, I'm disgruntled. I am also just so damn lonely. I know that none of this is attractive but still, damn.
Someone I know who works with my kids has offered time and again to set me up with her ex. Regardless of the fact that I am not necessarily attracted to him, he's a good dad and seems like a nice guy - maybe I'll go for it...I think she may have mentioned it to him though, the kids and I ran in to him today at the store and he seemed all but absolutely disinterested in talking...oh well.
Again, better luck next time, right?
All in all, regardless of the good I am feeling particularly "blech"
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
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say this will pass. Peace.
parmalorac
I know this feeling of missing my child. I work full time since the beginning of June. That means I take her to her day care at a quarter to seven in the morning and come home at half past four in the afternoon. As DD is going to bed at about seven o'clock in he evening there is almost no time left for her. I miss her so much. And it will not get better. Sigh. At least we've got it easier with finances as DH and I have both quite a good income. But that doesn't outweigh the time I no longer can spend with my little girl. And I have nothing to give to you but hugs.
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
you are projectin people can tell you are in a funk. whenever i was feelin bad like this i would think damn there are people who have No job there are kids who stay home alone while mom works there are people who have no roof over their head. you have to try and lift urself out of it. can u find a second job to help with the financials? sometimes u just gotta do it. u cant hate on that other woman because of how things are goin for her, you have no idea what she may have been through before and lets face it some people just have different/better situations and support in life.thats just how it is but u cant hate because of that. figure out a plan to get urself to a better place and then move on it. feelin sorry for yourself will get u absolutely nowhere but in the same place 10 years from now. i know this sounds harsh but i think its what u need to hear.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
yea!! see i knew yuo would be feeling better and believe me i get to that same place and i just mentally kick myself in the ass to try and get out of the funk, you know i love you mama
hello beautiful!
hi baby - sorry i'm late!
i read this blog yesterday, and i wanted to reply!
i love you dearly and i'm your friend! don't forget!
my 2 cents:
the past few years have been challenging for both of us. the ups and downs of single parenthood can be filled with immense: pressure, lonliness, frustration, sadness and multiple challenges!
THAT said, let's get onto the meat and potato's:
i made the choice to be a single parent and the bottom line is that nobody is a victim of their life or circumstance, nobody.
with all the manifestation and channeling i do, i know what works in my life - visualizing what i want, dreaming it up from scratch, and recieving it when it shows up! tricky and challenging business, for me personally, but it can be done.
it must be done! there isn't a better way to live, the universe gives you what you ask for/what you think about.
how about loving yourself!? you have to do this, everyday! critizing yourself is deadly business. it's not only self-defeating, but you never move forward always feeling like shit about yourself.
if you feel bad about spending money on yourself, it tells me that your weighing yourself down, you can counteract that with mantra's and other good stuff!
your friend has made her decisions, she chooses an easier/freer way to be/live. her energy attracts what she recieves. you can switch up anything you want to in your life.
nothing is out of your reach, but it takes time to repattern and change your ways of thinking.
i'm a work in progress, and it's taken me years to heal myself - i'm ready for more therapy. i'll head back in when i go to film school in less than a month.
help yourself brains, heal yourself, it's the only way that you'll ever feel better about your life and how you choose to live it.
hearts,
christyX
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I am feeling a bit better - trying hard to just see through to what's next: Kindergarten starting, the little big man potty training and other day-to-day happy moments that make life great.
I hate wallowing in a pity party and generally try not to do it. I am complimented pretty regularly as a great and strong mama and I try to see in myself what these other people see in me...it's a long haul.
The funny thing is, financially, I'm technically A-OK. I should have more than enough money each month to have fun after all the bills and rent are paid - it's just a matter of sitting down, making a budget, and sticking to it (which I am working on, step by step)
The biggest issue is child care right now (though there are theoretically only 4 more days that I will have to pay out of pocket for care and then *poof* done) Since there are limited times when I can get subsidized care (and I work on one day outside of that time frame...) getting a second job wouldn't help me out at all unfortunately, unless it was a REALLY well paid position!
So I'm looking forward to the week after next - my friend moving in (who will be taking a huge chunk of stress off financially), another upcoming raise (YAY), DD going to Kindergarten, etc. It's all a learning process and a growing experience - I'm just working hard on learning and growing and appreciating...