Breathing

So Cycle One would be an official no go. Suck-ola. (A bit here about the crazy interactions between the fertility drugs with my psych meds: was told my shrink, fertility guru, and pharmacist that there would be none. Bullsh*t. As every mama knows, brains and bodies connect through chemistry and when hormone meets neurotransmitter sparks fly.)

Now Cycle Two is a little wonky. No Clomid for me this time around because it turns out for some reason (perhaps because God hates me and my cycles are only 24 days long). Short story is I have three follicles "leftover" from last cycle that are producing Estrogen which means I've got plenty of action in that department without a kick-start from Clomid. However, instead of the leftover follicles kicking it in some Tupperware or a Ziplock or something, they have become cysts - a common side effect. So waiting to hear today whether we do an HcG trigger to prompt the release of the follicles today or tomorrow, which was the plan as a result of this morning's ultra-sound. Which would mean I would force ovulation prematurely. Whatever. I try to keep up, keep track but DH and I have already decided things will be different next month.

We committed to three cycles of fertility treatment and then to assessing where we're at in terms of the whole process. So Cycle Three we're doing Clomid and then instead of timed intercourse, we're going with artificial insemination. We got the deluxe insurance package for a limited time only folks, so we're gonna use it to the max.

At this point, I am feeling the following:
- Anxious about the conception process, but less desperate than before and content to be patient
- Shocked at my physical responses to artificial Estrogen & Progesterone (Not totally necessary, just a booster to the process, so NOT doing it EVER again, or until Menopause)
- Tricked by the false signals of pregnancy my body sends during my two week wait due to the fertility treatments and also the false confidence exuded by the fertility guru
- Sad that I am experiencing this alone (in real life at least); my mother and I no longer have contact and all my girlfriends have already done their breeding or are facing fertility issues themselves
- Angry when each health care professional defers recommendations or answers to my questions to a provider in a different discipline. In this day and age when so many women are treated for mental health AND fertility issues, seems like SOMEONE should step up to the plate and figure out how this thing's gonna go down without harming mama or baby.

But at the end of the day I am mostly proud of how DH and I are enduring (and thriving) given all the lifestyle changes we have undergone this past year. I am more myself than I have ever been. (F*ck, it's about time - I'm 36 next month.)

DH and I believe our baby already exists in some space, just chilling until the right time to join us. Maybe s/he's got wisdom about a prudent arrival date that we're not aware of, and if so, then that's definitely MY baby and I don't mean maybe.