2 + 6 + 1 = BIG HOUSE. Possible major life alterations, mamas. Give me your ears and your words.
Hey, folks. I've been talking with this couple online for about nine months. They're polyfi, and while I generally prefer open poly structures, they really seem to make a triad work. I say that because they have a third in their relationship right now, whom they met about the same time they met me. Things with Q (their third) went quickly, and Q lives there, but things with Q have been falling apart for the last 3-4 months, and it's not for lack of trying on their part. They are AMAZING at commitment, communication, accomodation, listening...they know how to make it work, but it's looking like Q just doesn't want to right now. So they're trying to talk her into letting them bring in a fourth. Me. Turning us into a quad.
We've been talking pretty seriously for the last month or two at this point, and I'm going to go with DD to visit them in about 3 weeks. If the chemistry is there, we're looking at being one big happy family. Overall, I have a good feeling about it, for lots of reasons. But the idea of moving really makes me sad. A couple of weeks ago, A (the husband) said it was just as likely that they'd move, but R (the wife) doesn't want to. Last night they were kinda trying to convince me, and their arguments are compelling.
It's still scary to think about, though. I hate moving. What I would probably do is rent out the main floor of my duplex to someone who could serve as property manager, and I'd be charging just enough to cover mortgage, utilities, minor improvements, etc. It would probably be a furnished apartment, because there won't be ROOM for my furniture at the house in Walla Walla. So I'm hashing out some of those business details in my mind. And I'm grieving, a bit.
Okay, I'm going to do this pros and cons style:
Pros of moving to Walla Walla
-As bikeable or more than where I live now.
-Lots more options for local food, plus a food co-op.
-Better environment for gardening (sun!)
-About as progressive as where I am.
-Back in WA, which is slightly more awesome than MN.
-Waaaaay better weather.
-Because I'm not selling the house, if we all decide to move here, we have that option.
-Bigger house (compared to if they were to move here.)
Cons of moving
-I'd miss my house, my sovereignty.
-I'd really miss H's daycare/provider/family.
-I'd feel a bit overwhelmed just jumping into their situation. They're a big family as it is (four kids), so if we were at least on my turf I'd feel a bit more balanced about it.
-It's significantly smaller than my current metro. I like the size here, for the most part. Nervous WW might be too small.
Somewhat neutral, but worth mentioning
-Farther from my family. We'd be able to see them about as often and only for slightly more money, we'd just have to fly to do it. Could fly cheaply, due to A's mom's employee discount.
-They do have a UCC church, which is also seeking a pastor right now, like mine. So I could rebuild that network. The church even looks like mine, and it's open & affirming. A & R's family already go there.
-4.5 hour drive from BD. We could actually coparent...don't know how I feel about that.
- They also have a bilingual immersion school, similar to the Spanish immersion school here I've wanted to get H into when she's old enough.
Of course, that's based on if this visit goes well. What are everyone's thoughts?
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
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So, you've never met them in person, right? Is the move basically contingent on this meeting going well? My gut reaction is I would not move my child into a home with people I've only met once. I get you guys have had a relationship online for several months, so you feel you know them quite well. But that's sooooo different than actually living with someone. And if it were just you I'd still be very cautious, but so much more with your kid involved. I'd personally have to know them (in person) and "date" for quite a while before even entertaining the idea of moving in with them. I know this would be a ton easier if you guys lived close by.
Basically, I would not personally pick up and move, give up my house (I know you aren't selling, but still), and move my kid in with strangers. Cause honestly, they are basically strangers. Well, let me put it this way, and this is sexist of me. It's the guy that I'm having problems with. I will fully admit that. Same way I would not move a guy into my house with my kid if we had only been dating a month, etc. That's just me, though. If you feel you know them well enough and hit it off with them in person, then that's up to you. I'd probably see them a few more times in person, date them for a while longer before making such a huge decision. Good luck, I hope your visit goes well!
Oh yeah, I can definitely see the upside of the whole situation, if it were to work out. I guess my hesitation is the not really knowing them in person thing. I'm not against the communal living thing, in theory it sounds lovely. And I'm sure there are definitely families out there making it work. Like, if you guys all lived in the same city and had been dating for a long time, then I'd say go for it! Guess I'm just saying I wouldn't do anything so drastic so fast. But the good thing is you do have your own house so if things didn't work out you guys would have a place to come back to. But what the hell do I know, maybe they are "the ones"! I do hope you guys have a great visit regardless. And that it leads to something wonderful 
Well, your parents are not going to understand because they are not developing their adult selves in the internet age. I can definitely understand why this seems like a total win for all sides.
BUT.
There's just so much unknown here. Any one of these people could be a psycho. I would not bring my kid into their house; no matter how long I'd "known" them online. There's a lot you cannot pick up on via the typed word. Talking to them on the phone is a good step... Even those things like "we rarely spank"; to you that might mean a few times in a year. To them that might mean only a few times a week or day. I've been to the homes of some of the mamas I've met online, but I wouldn't bring my kid to their house first time out because I really don't fucking know you all well enough to pull something like that. As much as we might love and support one another; I'm meeting you in a public place a few times and spending a few hours watching how you interact with your kid, how you communicate with me and you bet your sweet ass I've got an exit strategy.
Remember hearing those PSA's a few years back regarding meeting people from the internet irl? If you're traveling, make your own arrangements, meet in a public place. Do not stay with them, stay in a hotel or motel or a hostel even. Definitely do not allow them to have any control over you (where you stay, how you get around); at least on the first visit.
I'm leery of situations like this because anybody can sound perfect in text, and anyone can seem wonderful even irl for months, a year or more. It's in the long term, day-to-day interactions that you get to know the real person and build a relationship with them. I know people meet on dating sites and chatrooms all the time. You hear these shiny love stories... I think they are the exception, not the rule. I have yet to ever hear a story involving a kid that ended happily; or even one that did not involve a task force. I know yours is a unique scenario; but definitely be on your guard and think like a mama bear, keep your and your daughter's safety in mind at all times.
Also, remember that you are your daughter's only parent. Really. I know she has a father, but he's not involved and would not be equipped to step in if anything happened to you.
i wouldn't do it. i wouldn't put my kid in that vulnerable of a position, which is what moving in with a family of basically strangers is. yes, i might move closer to them if the relationship part of the pie was something i really wanted to explore. but to make my child live with that many new people, people that i don't honestly know... i just wouldn't do that, ever. way too many risk factors involved, and my kid's safety and security trumps everything else, every time.
polyfi means being faithful within the poly arrangement/relationship, right? So...why are they looking for someone to solve the problems of their current relationship? that makes no sense. It's like a person in an unhappy marriage trying to date while they are still married. In either case, they need to end the current relationship or improve/solve the issues before getting involved with another person. It is practically impossible to solve the problems in a relationship by bringing in another person.
Also, what's the hurry? I get the impression they are pressuring you. You have never met these people and have only known them online for less than a year. Why not meet and then, if the chemistry is good, date them for a full year on top of that before moving in with them? You truly don't know if this man is a good father; you haven't seen how he really is with his kids. At this point you really can't say if he will love your daughter and be a father figure to her. You truly don't know if either of the women (the 3rd is a woman, right?) are good mothers and will be good mother figures to her. Not to mention the bonding with the other children. This is a huge step that will affect your child for the rest of her life, so please don't rush into it. You have plenty of time. If these people really respect you and her and want ya'll to be a part of their lives and family they will agree to any time and space you need to make an informed, conscious decision. and you do need lots of time before going into this life-altering situation.
The fact that they got involved with Q so quickly and then things went sour within 5 months of knowing Q is a bad, bad, bad bad sign. Find out from all three of them what the problems are...it sounds like you just talk to the main couple, but not to Q. Talk to her (over the phone not just online, if only online at least skype or some other way to hear/see them) and find out what her deal is and how she sees the situation. Talk to the husband and wife separately also, you need to do due diligence on this couple. Don't be afraid to ask hard and revealing questions, this is your life and your daughter's life you are talking about drastically changing.
How long were they poly before Q? Why did they decide to bring Q in, to fix something wrong in their relationship? Why aren't they ending things with Q since it's not working rather than trying to bring you into their mess? Optimally talk this through before you even make the trip to meet them. You don't want to walk into a situation where you don't have all the viewpoints...relationship chemistry can't truly develop on lies and omissions. In addition to that, there are so many things you need to talk about with them, learn about them, know about them. How are they with money? What are their life plans? What are their career plans? How do they run their house; who has what responsibilities and how will you fit in with that? How long do they plan to be in this relationship with you? How are their kids dealing with this poly relationship? Will they be open with their family, friends, coworkers about you, or will you be publicly considered just a room mate? and so forth.
Then there is your house. Really consider what your rental plan will be should this not work out. If you decide to do this, I strongly suggest that you rent your house out on a month-to-month basis. That way, if this arrangement does not work out, you won't be stuck forced to live there with them or with scrambling to find and pay for a place while waiting for your tenant's lease to be up. I also strongly suggest that you do not move them into your home, as should things not work out you would have a very, very difficult time getting them out of your house.
and of course it goes without saying that you need to be safe when you meet them; in a public place and so forth. I know right! ultra duh. I'm sure you wouldn't just take your daughter to the home of strangers you have never met. but I felt compelled to say that.
Yes, I was going to mention Q, also. If they are so awesome at communicating, then why aren't they communicating with her that the relationship is over, rather than bringing in a fourth to share the misery? If you are truly all going to be a quad, then she is part of this big happy family, too, like it or not. And I am about certain she wouldn't appreciate them dissing her to someone else. Which doesn't make for much of a welcome for the two of you.
"Step off my big ass."
- Anthromom
i'm not sure i understand. they have a triad now, a couple and a woman who seems to want out. now, they want you in their deal, how does this make it a quad? where is the other person? or are they assuming that she will stay in the relationship when you arrive?
i can't think of a reason to do this, to be honest with you. why should you take all the risk? why should your child endure the trauma of leaving H's home? i'm assuming that you've built a relationship here and you know these people, despite how obviously wacky it looks. there's a lot i could say but i will stop at, if they're so into you, why don't they relocate to MN? they can rent your duplex.
**ETA
i figured out why i found this so nutty, despite not feeling that poly relationships are nutty.
it's that you never once mentioned being in love with them, or even being into them, or in any way made happy by them. you never mentioned them before, just out of the blue you've been chatting with this couple online and now you're considering moving yourself and your child into their home. if you'd been mentioning these people as important people in your life before now, it would seem less crazy.
moving in with someone is a big step, even when you've been dating in flesh and blood, and definitely moving a child in with someone is a HUGE deal. and one, frankly, i don't think i would ever do even in a very long term relationship. this couple (i'm subtracting Q because she seems to be left out of these discussions) is asking you to assume a huge amount of personal risk for yourself and your child, because after getting to know Q they've decided they'd like to give you a try. i see lots of risk for you, and benefit for them, but you mention nothing here about what you would get out of the arrangement. i see your pros, but they're not what i'm referring to. i'm referring to what we get out of our intimate relationships, not what you'll be geographically proximate to.
so that's why it's so nutty to me.
that and the fact that they "met" you and Q at about the same time. ergo, they were shopping around and found you both, and went with Q. five months later, when they're just getting to know the person that Q is, they have complaints and frame them in the light of her wanting out. but it's really them who want out. seems to me like maintaining this relationship online was hedging. what happens to you and your child five months down the road, when they get to know you, and don't measure up? can you evict that new tenant to move back in your house? would you be willing to subject H to another move? what if the amount of housework and helping with kids that you do isn't enough in their eyes? (which by the way is a whole other flag, if the nature of the relationship is supposed to be romantic)
i really hope i didn't shit on your life/love choices, i'm trying to make clear that it's got ref flags all over it aside from the poly arrangement.
Don't do it. You can move anywhere you want on your own. You don't need some sketchy internet people to get you to do it. I know Walla Walla - and it isn't a place I can imagine being in a non-traditional marriage easily. Its small (30K) and pretty isolated. Finding work may be difficult. Its okay to have fantasies, but you're a mama - you have to be practical and skeptical for the sake of your daughter.
i know people who do this well, and of course it can be. what we're trying to tell you is that this arrangement, or at least how we've seen it presented here, does not look like an arrangement that would be beneficial for H. i'm sorry you feel that we "stand" in a particular way on your love life. i know i don't, and if i failed to articulate that, it's my failure. i hope you DO pursue a relationship with these people, if they make you happy. you just don't have to reside in the same home to do that.
when i think of moving my child into a home with a step parent, i bristle with fear. it's HUGE deal. i honestly think i would, should Mr Filth and i split, insist on living apart from any partner i have in the future, because it's just so trying on the child, and also on the parent. but anyway, that's me. a lot of people do that well, too.
nothing but love from this corner, and i hope you do whatever makes you happy, mama.
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Hey, Bleu.
I appreciate your insight. It has been somewhat difficult to discuss it with many folks because everyone pretty much says "are you crazy?" Sometimes I wonder. Of course, anyone moving will be contingent on this visit going well and I would hope at least one of them visiting me here to compare spots. And maybe life will be easy and there just won't be any chemistry so we'll decide not to do it. I'm just trying to prepare myself and make sure I'm not missing anything if the conversation doesn't go that way.
But even just in the practical, platonic senses, there would be a lot to gain for both families. Do you think you'd feel different if there weren't a relationship involved? I mean, if we were just cohabitating in a small communal living situation? There are lots of advantages to the living arrangement in a practical sense: having other kids around for H to play with, another mom to share the workload with, a male role model in the house, etc. A's an awesome dad and a very good partner in terms of communicating, validating, showing affection, all kinds of things, by the way. Not an ounce of creepy in him.
He's very much an only-slightly more masculine version of me.
Of course, I explain it to strangers in that way, but the reality is that I am falling for these two. I'm trying to keep my wits about me in the process, but I'd be lying if I denied the enjoyment I get out of talking with them. I can definitely see us enjoying a shared life together.