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Adult children of alcoholics anyone? Anyone?Both my dad and my stepmom (who's really my mom in every sense and I shall refer to her as such for the remainder of this entry) are recovering alcoholics. My dad quit when I was 8, so that's 23 years sober I believe? My mom has 15 years of sobriety. I'm very proud of both of them. Now, I live about 400 miles away from my folks, mostly because I have joint custody of my kid and can't leave this city without a huge court battle, but also because there is no city big enough for me near where they live even if I wanted to move. They are always telling me that they wish I lived closer so they could see me more. They want to see their grandson more. They are unhappy with my proximity. But they've been here to visit me twice in 13 years. Once when I married my first husband, and again when I married my current husband. When we go up there to visit, despite how they tell me on the phone that they want to see us more, they tell us that they can't make any plans to spend time with us for the weekend we're coming because they don't know what will be going on in their lives at the time. Sometimes they make comments, trying to sound sarcastic and joking, that we expect them to drop everything for us when we visit. But we only get a chance to visit two or three times a year. They did not come to visit when my son was born. Yesterday I had a conversation with my mom. I asked her what the chances were of them coming to visit when Charlotte's born (Charlotte's my little pumpkin in the oven). She said she didn't know, that she and my dad both work and they don't know if they can take off and drive down at that short of notice. She said it was too far into the future and they couldn't make plans because they don't know what they will have going on. Did I mention they also did not come to visit when my son was born? They will probably not see my daughter until Thanksgiving, or possibly Christmas. She'll be about three months old at Christmas. You can bet they will make us feel guilty for living so far away. Is this strange? I love my family very, very much. I've always felt like we were close and family is incredibly important to me. But it seems strange to me that they don't value the births of their grandchildren enough to come visit, or even the lives of their daughter enough to visit more than twice in 13 years. I'm in Kansas City to stay, it looks like, no matter how anyone feels about it. Is this alcoholic behavior? Is there something about projecting guilt off of them and on to others? I feel like since I'm the one that moved away that I'm on the fringes compared to the attention my siblings get from them. I just wish I could rationalize what they are thinking. Anyone else in this boat? __________________
"Feminists are just women who don't want to be treated like shit." -Su. http://vkitty.posterous.com
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Oh how sad.
I'm sorry, sweetie. I do think this behavior is very strange. Are they on a very fixed income or have a health issue that might make travel difficult, have needy pets or some responsibility that prevents them leaving town?
I can't see just not visiting my own kid; let alone grandkids, especially when they are first born. I also can't see making things stressful or chaotic for the new parents - you're supposed to come to them, make things easier on them.
Nope, no fixed income, no
Nope, no fixed income, no health issues, no need pets. Just drunks. I always say they are *recovering* alcoholics, mostly because I'm so proud of them not having touched a drink in so long. But in reality, you don't have to drink to be a drunk.
"Feminists are just women who don't want to be treated like shit." -Su.
http://vkitty.posterous.com
Updating my life, and it's awesome.
this made me laugh out loud
it's both too far in the future and too short notice. gotta love them drunks.
i have drunk parents too. it gets weird. i don't know if i would characterize your parents' behavior as alcoholic per se, but it certainly is shitty.
i've talked to a lot of people, including therapists, about patterns in alcoholic behavior, and alcoholic family dynamic, and frankly i'm not sure i buy it. alcoholism, while fucked up, is not like bipolar or some other disease that can be mapped and tracked with firm diagnostic criteria. (because it's not a disease. only that ridiculous cult AA refers to it that way)
i think if you ask around you will find lots of people with the same issues, and some will include alcohol abuse, and some not. it seems like your parents want to assert power and control over you by making you come to them, and passive aggressively hold their affection for your children hostage to force you to move to where they want you to live. i don't know if i would chalk that up to alcoholism, or just being dicks, though the two more often than not come as a pair. they know it hurts you, but when you didn't acquiesce from having their visits withheld, they turn the screw by making themselves unavailable (or just making noise about it, so you know the deal before you show up)when you do make the trip with the kids.
sounds like shit my MIL would pull, and she never drinks.
so i don't know. have you tried just telling them outright that you're an adult who's chosen where she's going to raise her family? some times, parents, drunk or not, need a push into treating their adult children like adults. you can also just tell them outright that since they made it clear that they're not coming around, you'll stop inviting them, and they can let you know when that situation changes.
i'm sure you've already thought about when your children grow up, and whether you can picture yourself doing this to them. it's not the hugest betrayal in the world, but it's unmistakably shitty. bottom line, you can't change them, so you may as well just go see them whenever you feel up to it, and let the rest go. which is trite but true.
"Wouldn't you rather your child be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" -- John Waters
come out
That last sentence is exactly
That last sentence is exactly how I feel and exactly what I've been doing. I understand that you can't change people and you can't make people act the way you want them to act. So I just put up with it rather than fight a fight I can't possibly win.
I was thinking today about the best ways to stand up to them and tell them how I feel. Our family is very sarcastic, and we express our true feelings through sarcasm. Since I've lived away from them, I've started expressing my feelings in a more mature way, but when I'm around them for some reason I can't do that. So I've used sarcasm to tell them how I feel. This does NOT work, in case you are wondering! Also, my family likes to tease. I hate it. I tease too, but I draw the line somewhere. They do not. So I'm also afraid to stand up to them and tell them everything I just told all of you because I don't want them to tease and belittle me.
Really, family therapy would be nice. But good luck getting them to do that. Honestly, I love my parents, and the truth is that I wouldn't trade them in for the world. They've overcome a lot in their lives and have really been there for me in the past. But on this particular issue, the coming to visit issue, I am SO fed up.
"Feminists are just women who don't want to be treated like shit." -Su.
http://vkitty.posterous.com
Updating my life, and it's awesome.
yeah.
i relate to the idea of changing how i relate to my family, and it does not work, any more than sarcasm. the bottom line is, for me anyway, i'm not bothered so much by their behavior as much as i am by my own when i sink to that level. so several years ago when i decided that i just won't play that way anymore, the reaction was very strong. but that's them. but i haven't since felt the pressure to play along, like you with the sarcasm, because it wasn't about the response i was eliciting, it was that i didn't want to be like that anymore. and i had to face the fact that i was a huge part of the problem, to put it shortly. they can do what they want, but if i play along that's no one's fault but my own. so, i forgot about visits, i stopped counting how many holidays went by without a call or visit, i found i no longer had to mentally prepare for a phone call.... a huge weight was lifted.
but again, we're talking about dysfunction and personality disorders here, i can't isolate what role alcohol plays. and certainly anyone with decades sober isn't influenced by it anymore, unless they really want to be.
but it's sad, so i'm sorry you're going through it. i do look back on it as a huge leap toward growing the hell up on my own part, though, and i'm much happier for it. sounds like it's going to be positive for you too, you seem to have a good outlook on it.
"Wouldn't you rather your child be a drug dealer than a drug addict?" -- John Waters
come out