stupid partner stuff
Seems a little slow on here, and I don't know how to talk about this with anyone, so here goes. We had a little bounce money so this last month I let dp be and wasn't overseeing his every move with money. There were a few expectations, like that he would buy his plane ticket for next month that many people have planned and arranged schedules for. Well, surprise, he completely overdrew his account, and didn't get the ticket, and had nothing to contribute towards an event I assumed he would participate financially for--nevermind the major household bills due in a couple days.
It's not that he blew it frivolously, just irresponsibly. And then he didn't come clean to me. And then he made me the bitch. And then he lied to me. And it's on me to clean up. And I will, but I'm just so hurt.
This morning--after several days of this being a topic of loud discussion--I asked if he wanted me to put money in his account. He had told me he had deposited $300 and needed $75 put in to cover the o/d. So I rush my breakfast and go in to the bank with him and ask how much he's overdrawn. $386. He stammers out that what! He put $300 in the other day. Maybe it just hasn't shown up yet? No, it would've, right away. We're standing there, in the bank, him holding our daughter and studying hard the printout of his account, like that's gonna save him, and the teller and me just looking at him. It was humiliating. I went to work and in our evening conversation he has fessed up and apologized, blah blah blah...I think I'm a little in shock. What am I even supposed to do with that? How can I deal with this in a relationship? Thoughts?
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this was a dynamic I had in my marriage except I was like your husband and my husband was like you...the money manager, the rescuer, and so forth. This was one of the many things that almost caused us to divorce in '02. Counseling is what helped us and may help you. This is something that is hard to deal with alone, because both parties are stuck in victim-mode and harmful patterns of behavior. You can't control him, but you can control what you do. You can choose not to clean up his mess, and you can choose to ask for and expect financial accountability from him.
In order for him to change his behavior, he must accept responsibility for his actions, and he must be willing to understand he has severe issues with money. If he didn't, he would not need another person to control his money and oversee his spending in order for him not to wreck his account and budget. After all, he is not a minor, or mentally deficient, or senile, or in other ways unable to cope with money, so this must be a deep-seated emotional issue. He also must agree to be a real partner financially in your relationship.
So first I would suggest that you two go into counseling together and he also into therapy alone. The counseling will be a big help because like your husband I turned my feelings of shame about my money actions into anger I directed at my husband, making him the bad guy when he was not. Our counselor helped me to see that it was not unreasonable or bad of my husband to expect me to be responsible with my money; with matters that would affect our household finances. If counseling is not an option right now, there are many, many, many books at the library on the subject of managing money and money issues.
Then, you have to make and stick to a financial plan for your relationship. Perhaps a joint account for your household is something you might do, with each of you contributing a percentage of your income to cover household bills. Then keep your separate accounts to pay your individual bills, or however you want to do it. Maybe until you both get the hang of your system, you two should meet at least twice a week to go over your budget and finances. Then once a week, then twice a month, or what have you. Money is something I still struggle with, so my husband and I have to go over it at least once a week. I still mess up sometimes, but my husband no longer cleans up my messes or 'rescues me', if need be I will take on an extra job or whatever to pay my bills. There are a lot of financial goals we haven't met yet but there are others we have, which is really nice and satisfying.
I also wanted to say, if you look at it as a problem you two can solve together, that will go a long way towards lessening your anger. For us, although my husband no longer cleaned up my financial messes, he remained supportive and loyal to me and helped me a great deal emotionally. He gave/gives me a lot of positive reinforcement that really helps me to make better choices.
I've been working on shoveling some of the financial responsibility of running our household back onto my DH recently, and discovered a little thing that has made a huge difference in how we relate.
We have a joint checking account that we use to pay all of our household and shared expenses, and up until a few weeks ago I was always the one who balanced the checkbook, knew how much we had, etc. He was like a little kid, always asking me, "How much do we have in our account? Can I buy such-and-such?" Then I figured out that through our online banking service we can get daily account balances emailed to both of our accounts. We can also get insufficient funds alerts and we get a notification if our balance goes under a certain amount.
I don't know if your bank offers this service, but it might be worth looking into, just so the burden isn't always on you to keep him apprised of his financial situation. It sounds like your partner has other, pretty major, money-management issues and I can TOTALLY understand your frustration there. Just wanted to pass this along because it has helped me/us out a lot.
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I'm not going to bail him out this time. I like the idea of picking up an extra job (for him, not me!) and I agree counseling is in order.