Angry Mama. FURIOUS Mama.
I've never really been comfortable feeling angry although it's not uncommon for me to feel angry when I'm stressed out, so it's interesting that I'm so uncomfortable with it. I have some theories, but who the hell knows. It could be because my dad and step-dad were angry, violent men; it could be because I've chosen to have relationships with some angry and occasionally violent men in my adult life and I've come to see most anger as a hurtful, cruel emotion. It could be because oftentimes I feel that my anger is resented and supressed by the people in my life; it could be because oftentimes women aren't allowed to express anger in general, and I'm well aware of that. It could be because I've just never learned how to constructively express myself when I'm feeling pissed off and fucking frustrated; I tend to turn it inward and let it boil for awhile until I break down in furious tears or become physically ill, neither outcome being helpful really to the whole point of being angry, which I've come to realize is just a way of letting us know that something is very, very wrong. Discontent and frustration become a fiery hot furnace of irrational outburst when allowed to fester, and that's never really a good thing. If I could somehow learn to use my anger as a set of directions to get to what I need and what I'm lacking, I think it could be a wonderful thing.
But seeing as I'm not quite there yet let's be honest, shall we?
I would like to smash a series of breakables in the road right now. I would like to throw red paint all over the place and then roll around in it. I would like to scream and kick and cry and then curl up and sleep and have dreams about dropping huge stones off a cliff and watching them grow tinier and tinier until they slam into the ocean and send up flying bullets of water. I'd like to have someone show me the right way to weild an axe so I could chop logs for a few days until I have a mountain of firewood I could burn in a campfire while tossing dishes against an old stone wall. I would like to bellow and howl so loudly that the whole world hears and pauses for a moment before carrying on.
There are many reasons I'm feeling this white-hot rush and I don't even wish to discuss them at this point. I'm mostly just fed up, driven repeatedly into the same dead-ends over and over again. Experience tells me that it'll pass soon though, and I'll begin to feel better. The anger will either dissolve into some passionate momentum that will push me toward a new beginning, or it will exhaust me into a hibernating period where I'll figure out exactly what I need, want, crave, and then I'll quietly begin to make plans for my rebirth. I'll push forward somehow, whether it's with a bang or with a whimper. And in the meantime I'll try to learn how to live with this anger, how to accept it and love it and nurture it and help it grow into something new, something good. Somehow, I'll accept it and it'll find it's place in my heart as fuel rather than dead weight.
And I'll look back and be grateful.
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my little theory is, when you get angry and let it out, you allow yourself to be done with it. it's actually a long convoluted theory, but i think that people who refuse to confront others when angry spread their anger around and make a situation into a general condition. as in, if you piss me off like the lady at the laundromat did today when she decided she was going to teach me a lesson about showing up "on time" when my comforter was done washing, by shoving it into a dirty corner, rather than the basket i left for it.... when this happens and i hold back, that isolated pissed off state sort of dissipates into all the other shit i have going on that day, polluting every interaction and just spoiling my own mood for the day. but when i confront, like i did today, i leave the place with a smile, knowing it's really over. that's the obvious part of the convoluted theory. the rest has to do with people who say they like to avoid confrontation, but in reality create conflict for people in their lives by turning little slights into broad expressions of a person's character. i.e. you didn't just do a douchey thing, you ARE a douche. people like this, i have little patience for. they're the ones who say "yeah yeah, it's alright... no, i was going there anyway..." then when the person leaves they're bitching to you for the rest of the day about what an ass they are. agitating everyone who's subjected to it. these are the people who shit talk other people behind their backs. because they can't say it directly to their faces. they hide their anger like a dirty little secret, then can't help but let it permeate everything else in their lives, all while denying its existence and/or going through weird processes to try to "deal with" it. (i'm thinking now of the people i encountered in my whole zen fiasco). but it can't be dealt with, it just is.
there is not one thing wrong with anger, or its expressions. what's wrong is moralizing it.
anyway good luck. i hope you can confront whomever made you angry today before it snowballs.
but this is a true issue for me! I also am very frustrated by the stigmas surrounding angry women. and I very much hope that miss phoenix is able to just be angry, angry, angry and put her anger to some good use. (or not, whichever is better for you, m. p.)
but how does one learn to confront issues as they come? I am not the quickest on the uptake when it comes to social situtions, and I am passive enough that I often don't realize I'm angry about something until the situation is over. But I WANT to deal with things quickly and effectively, you know, but it's hard for me. So how does one learn to be more confrontational-in a good way, that is, how does one learn to harness and use anger, thus taming it and using it as a tool rather than a weapon?
i guess this is actually on-topic...how to learn how to be angry/be comfortable w/ your own anger and to constructively use anger. good luck to you, miss phoenix, if you figure it out, let me know!!
but i'm starting to feel like maybe i suck at it less than other people, which is sad. because i usually do have that delayed reaction thing too. like with that laundromat situation, i didn't have time to overthink it so i didn't worry about being wrong or disproportionate. and as teh conversation unfolded and i saw the smug person's face enjoying my dirty comforter, i realized that the other person was being a dick and it's ok to treat such a person like a dick. whereas if i held it back, i would have been pissed about it the whole time i rewashed my stuff and when i went back, i possibly would have said something that was over the line. usually when i'm relaxed and just going about my day i can trust that i won't overreact, and let things happen. it's when im unsure of myself that i start to actually underreact, in hopes of not overreacting.
so that's how it works for me, but most of the time i'm like everyone else. i try to remember that confrontation is a good thing, it clears the air.
of course it's worse for women, but i think it affects men too. our culture is so afraid of anger, it's almost funny. and of course i have my theories as to where that fear comes from, but that's another topic.
it's a series of "somethings" that are making me feel ridiculously helpless and frustrated. and each little thing that's contributing to this anger is also shadowed by fury at the "big picture" i've been thinking about lately. i've come to the realization that this "falling through the cracks" thing that i'm experiencing isn't a failure of the system; the system was DESIGNED this way and it's working exactly the way it's fucking supposed to. i was born to a poor, working class mother and will most likely remain in that "class" because the system is designed to pretty much keep me that way. i know that i can fight and work my ass off to get to where i'd like to be, but when i succeed i won't be the rule....i'll be the exception. and THAT is what has been twisting my panties lately and making me act like an uber bitch from hell for the last few days.
and i'll shut up now because this will easily turn into a long-winded rant before i know it. maybe this'll be a thread for another time when i have more energy and clarity.
i didn't know you were talking about that. yes, fury is the only appropriate response to that. there would be something seriously wrong with you if you weren't angry about that 24-7, because you're dealing with it 24-7 and you got the shit end of the stick. that's why i get incensed when people talk about "making health care available to everyone" when what they really mean is "selling insurance policies to everyone, and making it a crime not to purchase the policies."
the fact that our very health is now quite directly become a class based system of withholding basic human needs from a large segment of the population is, and ought to be, infuriating. as they say, if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. sadly, most people are paying attention to michael jackson's autospy reports and counting the mistresses of that SC governor.
but, you know, there's always a life of crime.
do you read truthdig? you might find some validation there. pay particular attention to the columns of chris hedges.
I've gotten better at standing up to people, but it took me a while to not hold it in until I got really fed up, and then instead of simply standing up for myself, I would end up making a bigger deal than necessary.
There are some people I don't really stand up to though still, like a really close friend of mine, I feel like standing up would open this huge can of worms that I don't want to deal with, because you are absolutely right when you say people don't like it when you suddenly start standing up for yourself. I have that thing where I just want to keep peace, even sometimes trading my sanity, but I am getting better.
As for the system, yes it sucks beyond words, but how do we fix it? I thought about trying to get a job within the system once I graduate, but will that help anyone?
What helped me was getting a house voucher. I know your area has a long waiting list, maybe they all do now, but having free housing allowed me to go to school full time, while taking out student loans to pay bills. I went into debt, but I think it's worth it in the long run.
i've discovered some really promising info about some education programs in western MA that focus on what i want to do, and then once you've finished school they're so desperate for people in that field to stay in that area of the state that they'll repay huuuuge portions of your student loans if you'll commit to working a certain number of years for a specific practice. very cool and exciting, so now i need to find out how MA housing/childcare/health insurance programs work so i can figure out whether a move would be feasible. like, i don't know if you need to be a resident for a certain amount of time before you qualify or whatever. i've got some mad research to do, toasty. but i'll keep you updated and letcha know what i find out!
and the system...fucking bah. all i want to do is go to school so i can do something i *like* and have some opportunities for financial independence, and it seems like the system here is set up to make sure that does NOT happen. why the fuck the state would rather have me take a low-paying job in a field with no potential for growth or advancement is beyond me. it makes no sense and it makes me want to spit my teeth in someone's face. (that doesn't even make sense, oh well.)
i love the way you have written about anger! there is absolutely nothing wrong about anger. i try to express it in a way that shows that i own it, instead of with the intention of hurting or angering someone else. and if it isn't a "someone" who is angering me, than i usually write about it on top of trying to do something to change or better the situation i'm not happy with. in my opinion, it is only productive insofar as it is a link to something deeper going on inside. it is not a feeling that i spend too much time with, or ignore for that matter. i don't find it acceptable for men to act out in anger, or women. i do not feel comfortable with that out-of-control/unsafe feeling anger can bring to an environment. i do find it acceptable to express what a person is angry about, without dumping it all over me like i'm responsible for their anger and i'm the only one who can make them happy/change the situation. that is how i prefer to be approached if i have done something that made someone else feel angry, and is how i prefer to approach another person - though - i tend to not feel expressing anger is as affective as expressing the underlying feeling to that anger. toddlers express anger when their needs and desires are not met. adults express their needs and desires when they are feeling angry because their needs and desires are not being met. that's how i look at it. however, i am perpetually in "working on it" mode with this. as i tend to either explode or avoid. being calm and direct is not my forte' at this point in my life.
for me it comes down to, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be an angry person, or do you want to be a person who expresses anger in a productive and positive way? I think there is a big difference...angry people, male or female, go through life with a why-me nasty attitude. They are pessimists and tend to be whiners. They have a knee-jerk defensiveness and look for attack and danger where none exists. Every affront or perceived affront is just one more thing to stick onto their ball of misery. They carry all their angers and hurts with them. Thus, when an angry person gets mad at whatever, it can be any old little thing or an actual big event, they are also expressing anger at ish that happened eons ago in their life.
A person who expresses anger productively will speak on the issue at hand and keep it moving. They actively seek solutions to change the situation, and if they can't, they move on. They choose to refrain from personal attack in most cases, and they don't dwell on or stoke their anger or hold it close to them. They know how to let it go.
Angry people tend to attract and be attracted to other angry people and attract angry-making situations in their life. They rarely feel a sense of peace or completion...you don't strike me as someone who wants to live this way, so I'm rooting for you to learn how to express your anger productively and to have a happy, fulfilling life.
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even though what's been on my mind lately and boiling my blood hasnt been caused by anyone in particular i have alot of issues with confrontation, too, and it's something i try to work on but could probably use some help (ie therapy) with. i have definitely become alot more assertive with my feelings in adulthood, but i can tell you that alot of people do NOT like it when you suddenly begin standing up for yourself, even if it's in a non-confrontational and matter-of-fact way. not only do we ourselves get used to the way we handle and internalize anger, but the people around us do, too, and it can be quite an uncomfortable shock for them to see us learning to express ourselves.
our patterns of anger and how we express it and react to it have usually been with us our whole lives, and it's not easy to get to them bottom of them and try to change the pattern if it isn't working. i think peculiar old bird has had some threads on this lately because she's been working on expressing her anger assertively and trying to eliminate the passive agression thing. if i can find them i'll post the link here so we can re-read them, narcissus!