School Influenced Violence: How to Overcome "Play" Fighting?
I know that we are in a different cultural/societal setting (Japan) but since we've had our son at school, he's been witness to more roughhousing than we think is appropriate. We never allowed him to play fight or war as I cannot understand the merit in such actions, even if it is pretend. He's gotten the message rather well and will step away when the others play like that. It is his 2 year-old brother that we are worried about. Nico plays at the park with Sebastian's classmates and their little siblings and has picked up on the "play" fighting with vigor. He is also rather mighty and determined so it is hard to correct him. We never hit at home, choosing to use non-violent communication methods and time-outs instead. This works with Sebastian and most of the time with Nico but still he's been hitting recently and this worries us. None of the other parents seem too worried about it, taking the boys will be boys approach. I despise this notion. Boys can be violent because they are in some sort of combat training? To paraphrase Maria Montessori, world peace begins with each child. So it is really important we find some effective way of handling this before it spirals away from us. The problem is that the playing is influenced by television programs like Pokemon and a hit series that is the latest incarnation of Power Rangers. This means that all my youngest sees on the playground is the mirroring of the violence out of context.
We want our boys to learn how to play with others despite their differences to develop a sense of tolerance and compassionate understanding, but I also don't want my son to ever think that striking another person is appropriate. Do I have to keep them away from other kids (a lot of my mama friends do this)? I don't want to over-shelter them. I want them to have fun, just without the violence. Is it possible?
If you know of any good resources (i.e., books, websites) that address this issue, please let me know. Thanks in advance.
- greentara's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Trying to force boys into being non-violent in their play is akin to trying to force a cat into being vegetarian. It can be done but it is not natural. Cats are carnivores. Boys tend to be very physically active with each other their play. Which is not the same thing as being overly aggressive or dangerous, there is a line of 'normality' in their interactions that most boys don't cross. Overall, violent play is normal for boys.
Allowing them to play this way will not interfere with them developing a sense of compassion and understanding for others. How boys play at young ages really has little to do with the development of their emotional sensitivity to other people as they mature.
You mentioned Pokemon and other media, and while I agree with you that such societal influence can affect how boys socialize, it does not cause this particular way of how boys interact and play with one another. Roughhousing ie. pushing each other, knocking each other down, imitating warriors/soldiers etc. is play behavior that has been noted in humans primarily among boys across racial, ethnic, religious, etc. groups since we have been keeping track of our histories as a species, in both oral and written accounts.
I think...that often we may find the chosen play of boys more difficult to understand and appreciate than that of girls because we think it encourages them to become overly aggressive, to become predators or other such men and boys who act out on other people. This is not the case. It is play that is of value to them and possibly crucial to their development.
to have a sense of appropriate touch. To me, there is a big difference in expressing physical energy and acting out violence. Because in expressing themselves physically, there are a lot of shades of gray, and I think it's important that kids grasp what's appropriate and what is not.
For example, my older son is 4-1/2, and when he got to around 2, I started sitting with him and showing him the difference between "gentle" and "rough". I would pat him softly and say "gentle" and then wriggle around with him and say "rough". As he got older, he'd pick up on gun play games from daycare and whatnot, and I'd explain that pretending to shoot people is the same as pretending to hurt them or pretending to kill them = not acceptable.
Other things we work on with the kids:
-It's fun to play, tickle or wrestle, but as soon as someone says "No", or "Stop it" the wrestling/tickling stops right then.
-Never hit, kick, slap or bite, even in play.
-Learn how to back off when someone tells you to settle down or be gentle.
-Learn the difference between being rough and being gentle.
My younger son is 2 now, and he's beginning to wrap his head around "rough" and "gentle" and being told "stop it" or "no". And after working on this for a few years with the older one, he's really good about respecting boundaries when he plays with other kids. He's super gentle with younger kids and babies, and while he does enjoy running around and tickle fights, etc., he also knows not to jump all over other kids.
I think that all kids are going to be exposed to violence in games and in the media at some point, but I think that if you give them some ground rules, they can start to process what is appropriate and what isn't. At least, this is how we handle it!
That's a great tip about teaching the difference between rough and gentle.
It is common sense parenting, I realize. I guess it is just difficult being at work when the stuff happens and only hearing about it afterward and seeing the displays by Nico in the house.
My eldest son survived this stage and is quite compassionate and kind. We didn't do anything special besides for what you described. I just worry about my youngest since he is mightier physically and mentally than Sebastian. It's like becoming a parent all over again with him. I also think he is going through some early sibling rivalry with the baby growing in my womb. Weening is not going so well with him (despite the fact that when he latches on it is like a bear trap snapping on my breast) and often he is being a little rough about my bump of a belly. With my oldest, he didn't go to school and have a set of friends until last year so all this is new to us.
I respect their right to physical play (as I would be insane not to, it is obvious that they must engage in regular though seemingly non-ending active play). I am glad that you understood what I was referring regarding the difference between physical play and violent play. I'm glad that you have been able to find a way that works for your family. I had to pose this question because absolutely all of my irl parenting friends are homeschoolers/unschoolers so I don't get a lot of support in regards to letting my son go to school. They simply dismiss my concerns as a result of what happens when you go the mainstream way. I have one friend who never let her kids read Peter Rabbit because of the violence depicted. She's not the one I can call about these things, obviously. 
Thanks again for your insight. Take care and good luck with your boys as well.
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
Hi Mercury:
Thanks for your insight. I see your point but I must disagree with the idea that just because there is cross-cultural evidence of youths and violent play doesn't mean that it is acceptable. We are responsible for the future. If we could conceptionalize a world where there are no warrior/soldiers to imitate, then the idea of kids playing this way would not be natural. I do value my boys' play and all boys' play and would never wish to box it into my female framework. What I don't like is when the children (boys and girls) craft guns out of connecting blocks or even their fingers. Weapons have no other purpose but harm and pretending to harm is just the same in the mind. There is a big difference between active play and harmful play. Children must know that trying to control another person's actions through force is not acceptable, even if all they are trying to do is push another person into playing tag with them. I just wanted to know how to handle the situation when my kids witness and digest behavior that is not appropriate, especially with a headstrong 2 year old.
Thanks again for your perspective. I may not agree but I do appreciate the essence.
Take care