Funky Mood
I've been spending a fair amount of time lately with a friend who's a single dad. (DON'T get any ideas! He's probably twenty years my senior and he's going through the messiest divorce I've ever heard of. Way too much drama and baggage.) But anyway. You can see how my mind is handling all of this. Any guy who's single, regardless of age, etc. just gets transformed into a potential husband. It's fucking me up. I don't feel desperate, per se, in the same way that I don't refer to my single parents group as a support group...it probably is, but that just sounds so bad.
I'm feeling lonely, and single. As I've said before, it's not the physical intimacy, it's the somebody giving a shit about me and feeling like I'm special, that's what I miss. *crying* Probably just something in the air, as I know brainymom is dealing with similar feelings right now, too.
I just watched The Terminal, and I realized that I'm Amelia, basically. I don't know how to relate to straight men outside of sex. Conversations between this single dad and I are always tense. When I'm talking to him, I feel the way I felt talking to my father when I was like sixteen...like there's a power dynamic and sexual vibe that probably shouldn't be there, but I just sense it. My relationship with my dad at that point wasn't great at all, and while it's gotten a lot better, I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling, and I've wondered lately if that's part of why I automatically let everything with straight guys go directly to sex. As a result, when we was helping me do my dishes today and I was putting things away around him, I felt so...aware of his masculinity. (Ha, funny thing to say, considering the situation, doing dishes!)
Ugh. I just wish I had some healthy positive male attention. *I* know I'm sexy. I was checked out in the parking lot the other day (granted, it was by a guy in the trashiest car ever, and it was the parking lot of the social service building, but I'm trying not to minimize this.) I'm smart, I'm strong, I'm awesome. I'm aware of this. But what the hell good does it do if no one wants in on it for more than just a roll in the hay?
Sorry. *sigh*
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
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thanks for this post creatress! i do the same darn thing and it drives me insane. every single straight man i am around, even married friends of mine, i am hyper aware of, and mind games and crazy in the head in every interaction. no wonder i feel more comfortable not doing anything but hanging with my girlfriends on playdates. i however have no idea how this came to be. i always have had weirdness with men. i am jealous of women who appear to be so easy around them. i think in my head that the men all want me or that they think that i want them. it can't just be a normal converstation. and i wasn't abused, not that i know of. i think i had a few guy friends in my youth who posed as just friends then later professed their love to me and that burned me? or was it because i was always the "it" girl in my youth. homecoming queen. it was normal that people thought i was pretty. i never saw myself like that of course. dancer= body image problems. i don't know. i just know i am not *normal*. but isn't it true that men and women can't be friends just like the "when harry met sally" theory? one person will always want the other one.
aside from all that, or maybe totally related to that, i am so not healthy enough after my divorce to attempt a relationship. i think i would not be clear in my mind if it was right or not because i just want someone to give a crap about me other than my family and sister friends. i totally get the male attention wanting thing! it just means more self reflection for me. more counseling would be nice. and definitely more yoga.
hang in there. the best part is you are aware of what is going on in your head. it sounds so clinical but it's so true. the first step is admitting the problem or issue. from there you can identify the why and the how to change those feelings and patterns and send your intentions down a different path.
one thing i've told myself is no matter what next time with a man i won't initiate. have the habit of making it way too easy for them to become part of my world, ie opening myself up way up, give give give when they haven't even shown me they are capable of reciprocating.
um, did i totally hijack your thread? i guess i was spinning off of it because it is so relatable to my feelings. i do like to read your "voice". keep talking! XO
this was the most honest post i've seen in a long time.
i relate in some ways. in some ways, i wish i could just hang up my sex hat and forget about that part of my life altogether. then sometimes i'm amazed at how little i know about men's inner lives (if they have them) because i relate to them with fucking. take that away, and what's left? actually i can really go on about this. i think it's got to do with my getting older and my sex drive not being as... we'll call it distracting as it used to be. i'm finding myself with little to no interest in talking to straight men, let alone finding things to talk about.
I can be like this as an attached mama, and was certainly like this as a single mama. There was this one guy I worked with - he was a good 15 years old than me at least, lived with his mother, and was a swinger and a massage therapist. I worked with him at a health food store (did you guess?)
I would never in my right mind want to hook up with him, but after being celibate for about a month, I was thinking...well, he's great to talk to, a bright guy, wouldn't get hung up on the interaction....and then I would beat myself up over even considering it.
When I am ovulating now I stare down random guys in parking lots. It's OK. Whore moans. Gotta love 'em.
Sunflower the unflower
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