Kids can be really f'ing mean *****mini update*******
So a bunch of neighborhood kids are at my neighbor's house for a birthday party ages ranging 9-14, and everyone was invited except my 10 year old who is in bed listening to the party because all the kids are outside by the fire pit yelling and having a party.
I asked my kid if he'd been invited and he said no, then he said he asked if he could come and they said no.
I hate them right now. I keep going outside and when I walk out they are all
"shhh" and ahit.
The thing that really bugs me is that we do a lot for these kids. Like give them spare bike/skateboard parts, take them to the skatepark, invite them to every party we have ever had...
I know my kid can be shitty, but to include almost all the neighborhood kids, but my 10 year old is bullshit.
It really hurts me to think of my kid all sad and shit in his bedroom.
*******************update******************
The other kids were totally weird today. We were all outside riding bikes and skating as usual, and instead of them coming over as usual, they wouldn't even look at us. We went in, and there was a knock, and one of the kids asked Ocean (my 10yo) if he wanted to "come ride" This is not the actual bday boy, but one of the ones that joined in excluding Ocean yesterday.
So Ocean asked me what he should do---
I told him to do whatever he felt like doing,if he wanted to go ride with him then go or not, but if he wants to hang out with this kid he (Ocean) needs to not expect this kid to be anything other than who he has been thus far, and not to be shocked if this other kid rolls him (Ocean) under the bus at any given moment. I told Ocean that if he can live with this risk than it was his choice, but that this kid at this point in time doesn't seem like a true friend who values the friendship. Maybe this will chnage, maybe not.
The next thing I know they are playing Rock Band together.
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that is just ass. people are mean, it ain't just kids. it hurts kids worse though so that is just ass.
they'll have to be cool to the kid with the halfpipe to use the halfipe. i have a feeling that they'll have a change of heart regarding your kid all of a sudden.
fucking do it. tell them they're personas non grata till they're cool to your kid. seriously, i think it gives your kid a good lesson in reciprocity.
Can you take him somewhere else for the time being? Go to a movie or something so he doesn't have to hear it? Or go bowling or something? Sucks to have shitty neighbors like that. We have some of those too. But maybe if you can go show him a good time for a few hours it might make him feel better?
"Overcome the angry by non-anger; overcome the wicked by goodness; overcome the miser by generosity; overcome the liar by truth." -Buddha
It was 10pm here when we figured it all out and he was already laying down in bed, but we are going to have a talk tomorrow.
Is it weird to add that we are kinda "different"people? Like we, Ocean included, have had a different set of life experiences than the kids around here. Like we used to be hard travelin road dog rainbow hippies for a long time, and I am gonna remind him that he's really awesome and all that, AND there are some cool kids who live down the street (although a little far for him to go alone) that he has recently met and they seem like cool kids.
oh man, this just breaks my heart. those kids - and their parents for that matter - are so shitty! what assholes. sometimes people are mean. gotta call a spade a spade. your boy will rise above the bullshit, but damn, its so heartbreaking when kids get ostracized/shunned by their peers. 9-14 is such a tough age. what has he done to them that could of helped create this?
My kid is no angel...but imo (of course) he's really no better or worse than any of them. Some days they get along fine. I think that's really frustrating because the whole week leading up to the party, most of the kids there, including birthday boy, had been in and out of our house playing video games and/or skating with everyone.
This party has been known and talked about for a while as well. I even thought the kids were invited.
We have had on and off problems with these kids, and we are just going to disengage with them. I know it's not just my kid is awesome, and these kids are horrid, but this is not the first time the kids have grouped up against mine, this is just the first time it's been so big. Our kids are also the back up friends, like if the kid across the street is fighting with out next door neighbor kids, then my kids get played with, but when the other kids make up, my kids turn back into rejects.
how involved to get with the kids' friendships? you just reminded me of a kid who treats my kid badly and who didn't invite her to a birthday party, after discussing it with her at length over a long period of time. among other things, like calling her fat and breaking her glasses. it makes me wonder if i should go beyond the guidance of "this is not how friends treat one another..." but my kid still likes this other kid and wants to associate with her.
these relationships are important lessons for our kids to learn young. as an adult, I would never tolerate someone treating me like that and our kids shouldn't either. I've pointed out how if someone ever did that to me, I just wouldn't be their friend anymore, period, the end. I'm raw with my kids and I say things like "that kid is being a total jerk to you and if I were you I wouldn't tolerate it. there are other kids who are nicer, just stick with them and [the jerky kid] will realize that you won't tolerate being treated that way". I encourage them to speak their minds to the meaner kids, things like "you're being a jerk" and "I don't want to hang out with people who act like this". I'm not beyond telling a kid to their face that they are acting like jerks, but I do watch that fine line of stepping in to my kids' lives and making things worse for them. That's the trick.
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My 10 year old feels like and has stated that he thinks they are mean, and is fine not hanging out with the, I just hope that he believes it, and is not just covering too much for hurt feelings. I'd rather have him feel like they are mean than it is him that is lacking something cool.
these are real life issues that some adults still struggle with... better to learn it young. Cool doesn't always mean nice and fun and interesting. I ask my kids, what are you looking for in a friend?
reading all this makes me wonder how i'll handle these things when my kids are older! my immediate reaction is to stay out of it as long as there was no physical boundary crossing (fighting, property damage) and listen to my kids tell me what they think and work out their own issues. but then, at what age can they really be expected to handle these things on their own? oh my, parenting is too daunting to think about!
Yes, I do wonder how involved is too much?
I'm big believer in trying to get my kids to work things out, and since these kids live next door and across the street, they will have to face each other all the time.
and today i got some bad news about my kid. she got in trouble in school on friday, something this other kid put her up to. and i know my kid, she is not a follower. but for some reason this kid got her to do something stupid. so we had to say something about it. about being yourself and not getting put up to doing shit by other people, and noticing that whenever something bad happens, this kid is always involved. i have no idea if it got through.
oh no! what happened? did you post about it or is it one of those things you don't want to get into here? i hope all is okay, now.
but i get concerned when my kid acts out of character. if she were a gullible kid it would be different. the fact that it's making her behave in ways contrary to her personality and her character, alarms me more than what she actually did.
That's rough. My oldest has a reputation for being a "problem" kid, but he is so marching to his own drummer that he has ended kinda a leader and unwilling to follow even if it costs him cool points.
My youngest who has always been really sweet and easy to get along with is super concerned with what people think and appearances. He has all these ideas from TV and movies about how life is supposed to be. I worry about him, and feel like he needs more guidance in the whole finding a balance between caring about people and caring too much about people.
I hope everything gets worked out with your daughter.
this kind of thing was what I was worried about dealing with most when I had my first thoughts of parenting so long ago. And now, I still find it to be the hardest part - watching our kids go through this SUCKS.
If I were in your situation, I would do something like this: when you are out and see one of these kids again (without your child around), I would call them over in a friendly manner. Sit them down and start talking to them - how ya doing, did you guys have fun last night at your party, etc, etc. Then (still politely) hit them with the next thing - hey, so did you know that [your son] wasn't invited? Don't you think that would suck if everyone had a party and left you out? You know how we have parties and invite you? Do you think that seems fair? It's not, it's actually a really crappy thing to do. If this is the way you guys are going to act, do it somewhere else. If you want us to be good neighbors and be friendly by inviting you to parties and giving you guys bikes and skateboards (or whatever) then you need to seriously think about how you are treating us. Otherwise, just stay away cause we don't want people like that around here.
I have no problem getting real like this with kids but i know this approach might be too much for some. I in no way want to defend these kids for their actions, but remember that kids will act the way they know and however their parents have raised them. If they haven't been taught respect or consideration then someone needs to throw it in their face at some point in life, why not now?
I'm sorry about this situation again. Being left out is the worst, I remember that feeling well from when I was a kid. On the plus side, it made me stronger and wiser about judging peoples' characters later in life...
I agree that you should do something special and fun with your boy to cheer him up.
Good luck mama.
I have gotten real with them on other occasions, and maybe that's why they don't like my kid (all the kids at my house).
We have been really disappointed by some of them because they seemed like good people, and then we would catch them in blatant lies, and when the neighbor kid's skateboard got stolen we got him an entire new board, and I'm not trying to be like-look how awesome we are--but we have tried to create an environment of good neighbor-ness, kwim?
When any of them have problems with bikes and/or boards or ramps or learning a trick, they come to our house..I do think that they owe my kids some basic kindness.
AND, (I've gona all ranty) when I do talk to them, I always make a point to talk to them, and not run to their parents, like when my 10 yr old got shot with an air soft gun in the back, I didn't flip out, I talked to the kids. It doesn't seem to have an effect. I'm ready for action now, as in I have already made it clear that my kids are not to play with them, and the kids are not allowed over here. It will only be an issue when those other kids can't find anyone else to play with, or my kids happen to have something cool...
I am blatantly honest with the kids in my neighborhood. They still come around. Sometimes.
Sunflower the unflower
Can you talk to the parents? Or is it not worth it? Oh, I see the reply you gave above. To tell you the truth, in our neighborhood, the parents usually talk directly to the kids and rarely take it to the parents.
I remember dealing with this stuff growing up in my neighborhood. It makes sick people feel powerful to act like that. It's sad.
The parents of the b-day boy probably didn't even realize what was happening, or I guess I'd like to think so anyway.
I know that even if my kid didn't like the neighbor kid(
I would pretty much make my kid extend some kind of invite. However, if the party was elsewhere or a family matter or not involving a bunch of other neighborhood kids, I wouldn't have cared.
Like if the kid had over 1 or 2 kids, I would have told my kid, it's his b-day and he can choose a couple of kids to come over, and that would be that, but as it was such a big party right next door...
Just being me, I would have told my kid to either invite 1 or 2 or everyone, but not all but one.
this is why i don't like to talk to my neighbors. sad, i know. and counter-productive. but geeze, is it really the right thing to do to invite all the neighbors? i'm so going to be that asshole. i'm also hoping to just do the one or two friend's over thing for your birthday. maybe a party every now and year, but not as the norm.
I wouldn't want to force my kid into a party, but they are "friends" a lot of the time, so the exclusion is kinda noticeable, these kids have slept over, and my kid has slept over there. They are more than just passing neighbor kids, so the exclusion kinda stung.
When we have grown up parties, we don't invite any of the neighbors, but if we did invite a bunch of neighbors except our next door ones (especially if we had been on some kind of good terms with them) I think that would be weird.
I am not pro neighborhood parties, and if it weren't for the kids playing together we would not talk to our neighbors. For the kids we usually put out the word that it's whoever's and who ever can stop by and get a cup cake.
Neighborhoods can be difficult to navigate from a social aspect, and it's obviously not my strong point 
of the rule that they have at my kids' school - the kids have the same teacher for 1 - 8 grade so the kids in the class become like a secondary family almost. That means that there is a lot of work and thought that goes into how the kids interact through the years and the phases, etc. and how they get along. The birthday party rule is this: invite all the kids from the class, just the girls (or just the boys), or just invite one person. The rule used to irritate me, but I find it helpful now. I've been digging the small parties for a few years now, it's a huge stress relief for everyone i think.
I'm pro that party rule also. I used to think it was weird to make people invite certain kids, but if the invites are going out publicly in class or school, I think it's fair. I also think it's fair if the kids are invited through another activity, like if your kid invites her brownie troop outside of class altogether, and some girls are in her class and some are not, but the classroom was not the forum for giving out the invites. Does that make sense?
i see people doing that at max's preschool. i think its strange cuz preschoolers don't feel left out, nor would they know unless the parents made a big stink about it! i think it also depends on your finances. like, for example, i can't invite every kid in my kid's class 'cuz i don't have the money to feed em' and entertain em' all. even parties that i try to keep on a low budget are expensive for us. why would you tell your child to invite people they don't know, don't like, or are not that close with? i'm sincerely curious about this. i don't understand. IMO, i would let my kids pick who they want, closest friends kind of thing. i'm sure there will be a birthday when max or bella wants to invite their whole class - oh wait, it happened once with max - this past year in fact! i took the party to the classroom! the teacher was fine with it, since its a pre-school - but that prolly won't be an option when my kids are in grade school, right? gawd, please don't let my kids want to invite the whole class to every b-day party! lol! mama won't be having that! 
I totally get where you are coming from, esp at a pre-school age, but for me, I have seen kids get left out of classroom invites, and it kinda sucks for them. I guess it's kinda super emotional based, but it hurts kid feelings to have to watch other kids being handed invitations, and not get one. So to me I think--why do it? It's kinda like the whole--do you keep score in T-ball thing.
However, I do know that not handing out the invites in class does not mean the kids aren't going to talk about the party in class, but I still fall on the side of the rule of all kids, all the boys, all the girls or just one.
In my kids elementary classes, I have always had a parent phone list, and if we wanted to invite a handful of specific kids, I would just call the parents and invite them.
Also, we are super informal party people--we give the bday kid choice of cupcake flavor, pizza, a couple gifts and call it a day.
its just weird to me, i think, cuz i went to public school my whole life and don't remember ever getting invited to a party **or** feeling left out of one. so i wonder how much is my own parenting projection/worry and how much is really because my kids will care? i'm also not of the mindset that i need to protect my kids or anyone elses kids from that feeling of being rejected. its one of the things in life that i feel if my kids experience it, the feeling will only make them stronger in the long run - like, not needing to be included in everything. but what do i know?! i haven't really had to make these kinds of decisions or consider this stuff until right now! i'm sure i'll be thinking about this more today! and i'm even going to ask hal what he thinks. 
okay, i've thought a lot about this today! i'm trying to put myself in your shoes with this situation plus remember what it was like at that age and i think, at a certain point, like age 7-8, i would have to let my own kid deal with this how-ever he/she wants to. i'd be a sounding board/guider not a controller in these kinds of social things. if their feelings were hurt, i would suggest that they talk about it with their friend. if they want to blow it off, well then, that is fine too. its only if i saw them being shitty to the other kid then some red flags would go up and i'd have to get involved *with my own child* in trying to work something out/figure out what is really going on. my instinct may be to pummel that other kid or his/her parents, but really, i want my kids to deal with these kids on their own, while i helped them understand the feelings/thoughts involved. KWIM?
there is real no harm done, only bruised egos. your child's self-worth can't be tied up in social rejection. i'm sure there are affirmations all over/though out his life of his self-worth from family and really good friends.
to be honest, if some kid's parent came up to me yelling about how their kid wasn't invited to my kid's b-day party, i'd be like, "what the hell is her damage? get over it lady. let you kid come over and talk with my kid and maybe they will work it out and be closer for it. and if they don't well they aren't that compatible as friends. why force it?"
i think kids whose parents are *too* protective (not that you are being that way, just making a general statement) of every aspect of their lives will raise adults who are easily controlled by other people.
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It sucks also because he has been really super acting out all week, and now I am finding out that the kids have been ostracizing him, and that's prolly why he has been being a shit as of late. I share him with his dad half time, and now Ocean (the 10 yr old) doesn't want to come over here, because as soon as he goes outside all the kids gather and exclude him.
So now I am feeling all gauntlet thrown down. We have been planning to build a half pipe in the back yard for everyone, but now I can't wait to tell the neighbor kids to suck it when its done.
Hopefully the desire to be petty and childlike will pass soon, but I can't make any promises.