tales from a woman who's husband left 27 days ago
so, the roller coaster ride has continued. at times i feel comfortable in my skin, in my home, in my life... and at other times i long for the comfort that was our relationship, i long to know him and be close to him.
likewise, our daughters can be happy as can be all day long, but then that one point in the evening hits, and they just want their papa.
he is finding himself. we are in couples counseling, which is working, though there is no proof that our relationship will ever come back together.
he still wants to be involved in the project we started (of turning a small warehouse into an arts venue.) but i dont really want him to. that project was a result of our partnership, and if he doesnt want our partnership, i dont think he should participate in the fruits of it. its tricky because this place is perfect for him, and frankly, this place needs him.... but the same could be said for our marriage, but he disagrees.
he said last week in therapy that over the years i ground away at his soul by having passive negativity when he came home from work. me being stressed out ground away at his soul till he had nothing left to give.---oh really, that time (5 years) when i was pregnant or caring for a newborn, while working two jobs to pay for everything AND doing all the housework? he cant handle that all that work stressed me out.
i told him that i dont feel that i ground away at his soul, but life did. it was his responsibility to build himself back up, and my responsibility to be supportive of him.
i miss him.
- huck's blog
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As I read this, I know that what you are going through can happen to any family. It is so hard to know what will send someone flying in the other direction, especially if they don't let you know until they are already out the door. Is it at all comforting that you are in counseling together? Does that indicate some hope? From an outside perspective, it does. I'm sorry he wasn't able to handle his life and is blaming you. You are right, it was his responsibility to care for his needs, share what his needs are with you, so you can support him, and visa/verse'. I hope that counseling saves your marriage. You are such an amazing woman/mama/friend and he has got to know that. hugs.
I second POB.
hugs and love to you.
so hard.
more hugs.
It's really uncool that your hubby is putting the blame on you for his own unhappiness. You are so right that it was his responsibility to build himself back up if he felt his soul was being ground down. Keep telling that yourself and to him. I hope your marriage counselor is conveying to him that he will never get out of whatever rut he's in if he can't own responsibility for getting to this place. He can't depend on you to be responsible for making him happy when he's not doing anything to help himself.
I know you really want things to work out so I hope that they do. I just want to urge you not to settle for anything less than you need or deserve in an attempt to hold on to your marriage. It sounds like your standing firm in asserting your needs though - don't lose that resolve! As much as you love your husband and miss him, being with him will never be worth compromising your happiness for his.
Hugs and love.
"I just want to urge you not to settle for anything less than you need or deserve in an attempt to hold on to your marriage."
yes. i wholeheartedly agree. And would like to add, that in a marriage/long term commitment, there are always going to be things about your partner that you feel you don't need or want in your life. There are always going to be things about them that are annoying or challenging to deal with. The trick is figuring out which things you can accept. Everyone has a different idea of what this acceptance level is, with not abusive being a universal must (whether a person feels that way or not, it is my universal standard). i know therapy has saved marriages and i so hope it works for the two of you. i think it can. it will!!!!!! hear that universe!!! please universe. keep us updated, huck, i'll be thinking of you.
I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Please let me know if you need anything.
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It's really not fair. I think it's hard for some men to realize that real life is responsibilities, not all fun. It's not your fault.
I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to not want to work with him. yes, his involvement with the space would have been ideal, but he chose to go another path an put it in peril. I bent over backwards not to be the spoilsport when I broke up with my ex, and tried to keep all sorts of relationships going that were toxic to me. It is OK to look out for yourself when other people are already being selfish.
Sunflower the unflower
he wasn't providing for you and his children, which has got to gnaw away at him and make him feel inadequate as a man. maybe require of him that if he comes back to your biz he has to be financially responsible for it. and at least paying 50% toward the house and kids if you get back together. the courts will decide the amount if you don't. It's time for him to man up..
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