I've been stalking the law guardian for two days, finally spoke to her today.
And you know, it's one of those conversations where we did speak for 10-15 minutes but I don't really know what we said.
She had never heard of the Aunt until Friday, regardless of the worker C saying that Aunt was brought up last year.
That he is with his brother now is something, but not everything.
Let DYFS see what they can see about this Aunt, she feels like it’s them just doing it to say that they explored all biological family options.
The next hearing is next month (June 17th I think) and at that hearing the Judge may or may not set a trial date for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights). The court schedule is really full, if she doesn’t set the trial date in June than it’ll definitely be into 2010 before it is set. The case is already in FG (forget what this stands for but basically moving closer to TPR/Adoption, which is why the hearings are closer together now).
She’s pretty sure the Judge will set the trial date then but not sure.
She knows C and is fairly confident she would never just come and get the baby without me being prepared. I said it’d behoove her to at least call anyway because I could be out all day and she’d be waiting in my driveway. She said to call her if they ever came unexpectedly and tell the secretary it is an emergency and track her down. She verified that if Aunt is a viable option she’d have to get her SHSP(medically fragile) training stuff in, she really doesn’t think they’d just show up and take a SHSP baby away (I told her previously I have a huge fear of them just showing up)
There was never a DNA test, because Dad said he was Dad so that is that. She said the DAG (Uh...Deputy Attorney General I think) many times requires DNA tests before it’s all said and done and she wouldn’t be surprised if that happened again. Still she put it in her notes/the file to see if maybe something would come of it. She’s seen so many cases where it was paternal acknowledgement like this one and of course five years down the road... I said regardless of the outcome everyone kind of deserves to know the truth and Mom’s life was a bit chaotic before so who knows...? She agreed.

I don’t know, I’ll probably think of more later.

I don't really feel better or worse. I was feeling good about things until Aunt came up and now I'm back to trying to not think about it because when I do I feel like I'm getting an ulcer.

It's kind of been taking a toll on me mentally and I'm sure part of the reason is that I'm not talking about it out loud to anyone irl.
I talk about everything with everybody. I swear to maude three weeks after I was raped I was kicking back drinks at the bar with strangers and telling them that I had just been sexually assaulted. Talk about a conversation stopper!

And I can't fucking talk about this out loud in real life with anyone. I instructed my husband to not tell any of his family as we were going to see them for brunch Sunday and I.can't.talk.about.this.

I will, eventually, clue them all in to what's going on but right now I just have this block against actually TALKING about what's going on. Even my best friend from college...I emailed her and told her briefly and kind of said "but when I see you Saturday I don't want to talk about it.

I had a nightmare the other night, I woke up wracked with sobs.The weird thing is, I wasn't crying or even feeling to sad in my dream. In my dream, I brought him to his Aunt's apartment. I was disappointed that she had no kids there. But it was clean, nice, she was nice, the baby wasn't crying for me (clingy sometimes lately) so I put him down, he started playing, etc. She told me that I didn't have to leave and that she wanted me to feel welcome there. So all in all, that was kind of pleasant.

But as I was leaving her apartment, I realized that I'd have to tell the kids and I started thinking about E.
I guess that's what made me so overcome I just started bawling. No, wracked with sobs is really a more appropriate description. My body was heaving, my husband woke up (astounding).

I'm just going back to being busy with kids and gardening and blogging and Diversity Council and cooking and kids' activities and push this way down and not deal with it or else I'm going to fucking cry every day all day. I guess dealing with it this way opens myself up to the possibility of more nightmares but it's a chance I'm going to take for now.

Thanks for reading.